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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset about being uninvited for being pregnant!

577 replies

WeddingNightmare123 · 03/04/2014 11:49

Ok I've name changed and it's a wedding one folks.

Late last year a very good, lifelong friend of my DH's announces that he has booked his wedding this summer in a Mediterranean holiday destination. We booked straight away, flights, hotel and MIL booked a week off work to look after our DC's. All good and looking forward to it.

I recently found out that I'm unexpectedly pregnant, not planned, bit of a shock but happy about it. At the weekend DH went out for a few drinks with his friend and happened to tell him that I'm 9 weeks pregnant. All appeared well and his friend congratulated him and seemed pleased, he was joking about DH having to put up with all the sleepless nights again.

On Monday night DH got a phone call from his friend basically saying that he didn't want to fall out with him but they (friend and his wife-to-be) think that it's best that I don't attend the wedding. He went on to explain that her sister had a failed 2nd attempt at IVF in February and they think my being there will be far too upsetting for her sister and bil and will spoil the day. DH said he understood but had paid out money we could ill afford and probably wouldn't get it back. His friend said that we should still come and I could spend the day sightseeing whilst DH goes to the wedding! We are all staying in the same hotel so she'll see me anyway!

We have booked this at the expense of a family holiday this year. I don't want to be hanging around on my own sodding sightseeing at bloody 29 weeks pregnant, I would far rather be on holiday with kids or getting the the pram and car seat that we need for this baby. I'm really bloody angry about it, DH thinks I'm being a bitch and should be more understanding. I really can't see his point at all and we aren't speaking.

So please, if you have got this far give me some perspective. AIBU and should I just suck it up?

OP posts:
ILoveWooly · 03/04/2014 13:26

Glad you have a solution. It is rotten that you haven't budgeted for extra flight etc but really the best of a bad situation. I would be putting what I save by not sending a wedding gift towards a pram/car seat.

A lady at DD's playgroup got THIS bargain travel system and recommends it to everyone so perhaps worth a look. She choose it over a Quinny or Phil and Teds.

Cobain · 03/04/2014 13:29

I could not go now, even if they changed their minds. The idea of not being welcome would niggle. What was you DH meant to say at the wedding about his DW hiding away in the hotel, would they of expected him to lie? Even now you are having to compromise on a holiday because of them, quite disgusting.

Original poster
WeddingNightmare123 · 03/04/2014 13:30

ILoveWooly That looks great for the price, however I have set my heart on a Baby Jogger Versa with the carrycot!

OP posts:
HobbetInTheHeadlights · 03/04/2014 13:30

only we have had to get flights for the DC's now, that's how it's costing more!

If you really can't afford it then you need to talk to your DH and point it out now - see if there are any other options where you get some money back or agree it's better to pay yet more out so you get something rather than write whole lot of.

Your completely right to be furious about the whole situation and all the costs you could have done without. Obviously you can ask B & G to reimburse but actually getting money is very different.

Unfortunately it's looking at least worst options now.

We have nothing to do with couple who pulled stunt of asking DH to everything and me to only some things. No big falling out - just I don't want to spend time with them so DH seen less and less of them as family life took over- whole thing was extremely embarrassing for me though I did nothing wrong.

diddl · 03/04/2014 13:33

A week in the Med in August at 29wks pregnant-sounds bloody awful!

minibmw2010 · 03/04/2014 13:34

I wonder if your DH would have been so understanding to the other couple and telling you not to be a bitch if he'd also been uninvited ??

Original poster
WeddingNightmare123 · 03/04/2014 13:35

diddl 26 weeks now Grin!

OP posts:
diddl · 03/04/2014 13:36

When it was suggested that OP didn't attend & her husband said that that wasn't possible, that really should have been the end of the discussion.

I am gobsmacked though that you both put attending a wedding above a family holiday.

lottiegarbanzo · 03/04/2014 13:37

If they want to make this grand gesture of sensitivity, they pay for it, it is that simple.

They reimburse you and DH your entire non-refundable costs and send you the most enormous bunch of flowers to thank you for your being so generously flexible.

You book an alternative holiday, buy baby gear, whatever you want.

Your DH does not go without you. Anyone who suggests he should is an insensitive idiot.

Freezepop · 03/04/2014 13:38

I love unreasonable bride threads and read them all aghast at how awful they are being.

This one must be up there with the most UR. I would certainly do everything I could to not go and have a great holiday with my DH and DC's. I also could not be friends with them again. They have treated you outrageously bad and I could not forgive them.

Whats the betting that it is like those "child free" weddings, where you have spent money and trouble getting your DC's looked after while you attend, as well as spending time away from them when they are so small and then find yourself sat next to a child all the way through dinner and speeches. This happened to me and no, the child was not a family member. My DH was closer to the couple than the other couple was.

Bet there ends up being at least one pg person (probably the bride).

Original poster
WeddingNightmare123 · 03/04/2014 13:39

diidl I wasn't happy but it meant a lot to DH and his friend made a big effort to be at our wedding. Also my parents take our DC's abroad every year as they are the only GC's.

OP posts:
surromummy · 03/04/2014 13:40

What a bunch of arses!! how stupid. what are they going to do shut dsis away till (if) her ivf works?! she will see pregnant women everywhere so there is no getting away from it! plus its obviously raw now, but the wedding is a while away yet!
Me being stubborn, I would tell them ive paid for flights therefor I will be going. As others have said, the probability that a few other guests might be pregnant is fairly high, what will they do then, uninvited them too?! They are going to lose a lot of friends over this I think!

ohfourfoxache · 03/04/2014 13:40

Are the b&g on glue? Confused

They sound self obsessed and fucking nasty

Whatsyourpoint · 03/04/2014 13:42

YANBU. Your DH is and so are your friends. I had fertility issues and I think that's ridiculous.

Can you swap hotels and none of you go tot eh wedding but make it a family holiday instead?

Original poster
WeddingNightmare123 · 03/04/2014 13:43

They sound self obsessed and fucking nasty

Not at all, I never would have suspected this from them. Whenever the chat comes round to their wedding they always seemed very laid back about!

OP posts:
ohfourfoxache · 03/04/2014 13:49
Shock

God I think that makes it even worse - if they were a bit "zilla" about it then at least you're partly mentally prepared

halfwildlingwoman · 03/04/2014 13:50

This is one of the most unreasonable B&G in the history of the world. The reason for the un-invitation is bonkers in the first place, but to uninvite people who have paid a fortune for your totally self-absorbed ceremony in a different country is beyond rude. I feel like you do, never wanting to see them again.

minibmw2010 · 03/04/2014 13:52

I think they genuinely (but incorrectly) think they will be 'shielding' the sister from something potentially upsetting to her, but they've gone too far. Are they going to insist the hotel don't allow anyone into the hotel who is pregnant, even if unconnected with their wedding? It's bonkers. I've had IVF, it is tough when it fails, but I've always been pleased for friends, etc. Who can be horrible/upset about a baby? They've gone too far.

C4ro · 03/04/2014 13:53

You can take loads of nice photos of the area for some PA facebooking if you're there a few weeks before. It should become apparent to the remaining joint mates that are going to the wedding bash what has happened! Hilarious. The poor unaware IVF potentially pregnant for the wedding anyway sister may well find out what a dimwit her sister is regardless.

I'd let my DH be friends with Groom after this if he really wanted but neither of those fuckers would be allowed in my house after pulling that shite.

Original poster
WeddingNightmare123 · 03/04/2014 13:54

Who can be horrible/upset about a baby? They've gone too far.

I think that's why I so upset!

OP posts:
minipie · 03/04/2014 13:55

not read whole thread but this is utterly bonkers.

I'm sure someone else has said this, but there are bound to be other guests who will be pregnant - you are just the only one they know about so far. Are they going to un invite anyone else who mentions a pregnancy?

dreamingbohemian · 03/04/2014 13:55

YANBU but I would give them one last shot to be reasonable.

Yes, they are being awful, but it's awfulness out of a sense of misguided compassion. It's not like they're just being totally selfish or narcissistic, they're just going overboard trying to be sensitive and not really thinking about how rude it is.

If they came back to you and said I don't know what we were thinking, of course we want you there, we're so so sorry would you really not consider going?

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 03/04/2014 13:55

OP - Doesn't that make your due date just around the time your DH is booking a family holiday? That doesn't sound good.

Original poster
WeddingNightmare123 · 03/04/2014 13:56

I'd let my DH be friends with Groom after this if he really wanted but neither of those fuckers would be allowed in my house after pulling that shite.

That's the plan Grin.

OP posts:
GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 03/04/2014 13:57

Sorry OP - I thought you meant you were 26 weeks now. I realise you meant 26 weeks when you go - sorry!