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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset about being uninvited for being pregnant!

577 replies

WeddingNightmare123 · 03/04/2014 11:49

Ok I've name changed and it's a wedding one folks.

Late last year a very good, lifelong friend of my DH's announces that he has booked his wedding this summer in a Mediterranean holiday destination. We booked straight away, flights, hotel and MIL booked a week off work to look after our DC's. All good and looking forward to it.

I recently found out that I'm unexpectedly pregnant, not planned, bit of a shock but happy about it. At the weekend DH went out for a few drinks with his friend and happened to tell him that I'm 9 weeks pregnant. All appeared well and his friend congratulated him and seemed pleased, he was joking about DH having to put up with all the sleepless nights again.

On Monday night DH got a phone call from his friend basically saying that he didn't want to fall out with him but they (friend and his wife-to-be) think that it's best that I don't attend the wedding. He went on to explain that her sister had a failed 2nd attempt at IVF in February and they think my being there will be far too upsetting for her sister and bil and will spoil the day. DH said he understood but had paid out money we could ill afford and probably wouldn't get it back. His friend said that we should still come and I could spend the day sightseeing whilst DH goes to the wedding! We are all staying in the same hotel so she'll see me anyway!

We have booked this at the expense of a family holiday this year. I don't want to be hanging around on my own sodding sightseeing at bloody 29 weeks pregnant, I would far rather be on holiday with kids or getting the the pram and car seat that we need for this baby. I'm really bloody angry about it, DH thinks I'm being a bitch and should be more understanding. I really can't see his point at all and we aren't speaking.

So please, if you have got this far give me some perspective. AIBU and should I just suck it up?

OP posts:
JohnFarleysRuskin · 03/04/2014 12:20

I do think your DH - or you - are going to have to get back to them and say, "as you have changed your mind about us coming to the wedding, we going to have to ask you to reimburse us...."

Ask them for £2000 or so.

Then see what happens...

badbaldingballerina123 · 03/04/2014 12:20

It's ridiculous , there's pregnant women and babies everywhere .

I wouldn't go and I wouldn't have anything else to do with them . If I was your Dh I'd tell them to shove it.

petalunicorn · 03/04/2014 12:21

I agree with the suggestion to price up adding flights for kids and transferring to a different hotel.

petalunicorn · 03/04/2014 12:21

DH could then just pop across to the other hotel for the wedding.

Original poster
WeddingNightmare123 · 03/04/2014 12:23

I said to DH that he either asks them to reimburse us or buy us a pram and a bloody car seat. He told me that I was being a bitch and could be a bit more understanding, not that I'd know being pregnant with my third.

That statement really bloody hurt!

OP posts:
JohnFarleysRuskin · 03/04/2014 12:24

Hmm, you need to get him on board somehow.

How can he think its acceptable?

Curlyweasel · 03/04/2014 12:25

Forward this thread to the bride to be!

Actually, fuck 'em. Ask for full reimbursement of costs - it's the very least they can do bearing in mind the humiliation they're causing.

I'm getting so mad on your behalf (36 weeks preggo rage).

NancyJones · 03/04/2014 12:26

This is unbelievable! Your husband is being a complete arse! This would cause a serious issue in my marriage if my DH was to act like this.
The bride to be is being ridiculous but your husband even more so.
You need to show him this thread to get some perspective. You either go together to the wedding or neither of you go.

Curlyweasel · 03/04/2014 12:29

Op - this is NOT about you being insensitive (and certainly not about you being bitch - what a horrid thing to say!). It's about a completely inappropriate overreaction to an issue - which is of the bride's making.

Maybe she just doesn't like you and is looking for a reason to uninvite you? Wink x

isisisis · 03/04/2014 12:30

I wonder if it's actually the bride that's having IVF but they don't want to make it public so are saying it's the sister? I can almost understand her feeling like you'd be upstaging her or whatever. Perhaps she'd planned on announcing her good news at the reception or something & now that isn't going to happen you've become a focus for her upset?
Not saying that makes it ok but could explain the bizzare behaviour.

CerealMom · 03/04/2014 12:30

2 issues.

  1. To univite you to the wedding, and the ridiculous request that you go on the wedding trip but not attend the wedding.
  1. Your DH attitude.
I think your DH is angry about the situation and instead of telling his friend and wife he is using you as his whipping boy to vent his frustration.

It's hurt your feelings and hit you in the pocket.

Can you take the kids and DH not go to the wedding - have a family holiday instead?

givemeaclue · 03/04/2014 12:30

Yanbu and I have had 5 years of Ivf, but would not expect pg people to be unvitedf rom a wedding. The issue here is can you get your money back or amend your holiday to a different one, perhaps including the kids. If you can then think neither of you should go to wedding, amend holiday instead. If you can't, then rather than lose all the money I would still go although I would be very hacked off. I expect when it comes to it they will change their minds. They are trying to be sensitive but through that have been very insensitive to you.

Call travel agent and holiday insurance, get the facts then make a decision

SuburbanRhonda · 03/04/2014 12:30

He told me that I was being a bitch and could be a bit more understanding, not that I'd know being pregnant with my third.

Not that there is any excuse for saying something so twattish to your newly pregnant wife, but did he say this because he knows he should have kept his mouth shut about your pregnancy so early on?

There seems to be an awful lot of sharing of private information within this group of people.

ikeaismylocal · 03/04/2014 12:31

YANBU what a silly suggestion. Will they especially request that non of the staff at the hotel or involved in the wedding are pregnant?

I wonder if the wedding couple are experiencing fertility issues (these things can often be genetic) and they are using the sister as an excuse when possibly it is the bride and groom who would find a heavily pregnant woman at their wedding difficult. It would still be unreasonable of them.

HobbetInTheHeadlights · 03/04/2014 12:31

He clearly doesn't want to confront his friends behaviour and think it easier to have a go at you.

I'd be letting him know how furious you are - how it's impacting on his DC and indicating perhaps pissing off the wife he presumably lives with and shares a bed rather than less then stella friend wasn't a great idea.

Then see if you can find an acceptable solution such as change hotels, add DC or get some money back.

I think the friends have been unbelievably rude and thoughtless - but it's your DH attitude that really is beyond absurd.

ILoveWooly · 03/04/2014 12:33

So the bride to be is planning to start a family soon but you can't go as you are pregnant?!? Hmm

Your DH's attitude would annoy me too, if one of us became 'uninvited' neither of us would be going! Would it be possible to change the dates and have a relaxing babymoon with your DH? (obviously this would involve him getting a grip too) or could you add the DC's to the booking?

Ploppy16 · 03/04/2014 12:33

Well if your feelings aren't being considered by any of them them, fuck it, make your feelings known directly to the B&G and ask them to reimburse your money ASAP so you can take your DC's on holiday. Ask the Bride if her sister even knows that her confidential medical history is being discussed with people she doesn't even know maybe...
Then ask your DH why his own feelings about being surrounded by couples trump the fact that you are expected to spend a large amount of time on your own in a foreign country while heavily pregnant while everybody else goes to the wedding.
There is no way in hell I would be going at all tbh, because it will probably escalate to you spending most of the week on your own.

anklebitersmum · 03/04/2014 12:33

How RUDE of the couple getting married Shock

As for your DH, well, words fail me. What is he thinking??

You are absolutely NOT being unreasonable.

FairPhyllis · 03/04/2014 12:34

Your husband is being a complete dick. If he is not usually like this, I can only put it down to the cognitive dissonance of having his friend behaving so rudely. But he should be backing you up on this, not taking it out on you and calling you horrid misogynistic things.

You need to ask the friends either to reinstate the invitation (would you want to go after this?) or reimburse you. It's completely unreasonable to expect you to travel and pay to be somewhere that you are not welcome.

(Why the fuck is it an entire week anyway? Is everyone going to be there all week? Will you have to hide away all week by yourself?)

I doubt the friendship is going to survive this unless they realise pretty quickly how outrageous they are being.

Original poster
WeddingNightmare123 · 03/04/2014 12:35

cerealmom I think you have hit the nail on the head with both points. I think they only suggested me still going as a way of avoiding us asking them to be reimbursed.

Have just had text from DH, al it said was "sorry". I do think he's taking his stress and anger out on me. Have ignored!

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 03/04/2014 12:35

I agree that both sides have a point. But on the other hand people must see reason. I don't think it's right that you are now not welcome at the wedding. It all sounds dreadful. Not sure I'd want to stay friends with people like this. The solution they have come up with is totally unacceptable and downright cheeky.

badbaldingballerina123 · 03/04/2014 12:35

I think your husband has badly let you down here. They've treated you terribly and he's allowed it. This would be a major issue in my marriage. Turn it around. Tell your husband his so called friend is taking the piss out of him , how would his friend have reacted if it was his wife who was disinvited?

It husband won't support you , let him go on his own if he's happy to waste his money . My husband would be furious if I was treated like this.

deakymom · 03/04/2014 12:35

see if you can change hotels most people are reasonable about this that way you can have nothing to do with those rude people and she can get her bump free wedding Hmm honestly my friend had been trying for a baby for years she had one horrendous miscarriage then nothing since i became pregnant unexpectedly i told her apologised for getting pregnant (no idea why!) she was fine and that was after years of trying my other friend had fertility issues up the wazoo they were both happy for me (even though i was terrified!)

perhaps the brides sister doesnt know?

LokiDokey · 03/04/2014 12:37

Can you not add your kids to the booking Wedding? Get a family holiday out of it instead?

Personally I'd buy myself a T Shirt and have 'No, it's a beach ball up my shirt" printed on it but I'm quite antagonistic Grin

ZenGardener · 03/04/2014 12:37

I agree with Hobbet. He's probably too embarrassed to confront his friend.