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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect dp to be surgically sterilized rather than me?

208 replies

ikeaismylocal · 23/03/2014 20:19

Dp and I both have fertility issues, it took years and nearly IVF to conceive ds, we never thought we'd have to worry about contraception as it seemed impossible to get pregnant. As it turns out it was much easier to get pregnant with dc2, I'm currently pregnant despite not tracking ovulation and breastfeeding ds1.

We are starting to think about the future and the need for contraception, I'd love 4 children but dp only wants 2. I have a family history of blood clotting disorders and I have been advised not to take hormonal contraceptives.

We could use condoms although they make me a bit sore, we could use the rhythm method but that may not work.

The logical solution would be for one of us to be surgically sterilized. I feel that as I have had the physical strain of pregnancy, birth, post birth recovery and breastfeeding that dp should be the one to have an operation. I also feel that as I have a small dream of having more children I don't want to burn those fertility bridges so to speak.

Dp feels it would be wrong for him to have a vasectomy despite not wanting anymore children, he feels it would make him feel less of a man.

Aibu to think that if one of us is going to get sterilized it should be him?

OP posts:
NigellasDealer · 23/03/2014 20:21

I also feel that as I have a small dream of having more children I don't want to burn those fertility bridges so to speak
gosh what does your husband think of that if you want him to get the snip?

formerbabe · 23/03/2014 20:23

YABU.

There are other contraceptives if you can't have hormones. The coil for one.

formerbabe · 23/03/2014 20:24

Maybe your dh doesn't want to 'burn his fertility bridges.'

ReallyTired · 23/03/2014 20:24

I don't think that either of you should be sterilised if you dream of having more chidlren and your dp doesn't want the op.

itsbetterthanabox · 23/03/2014 20:24

Your dp is pathetic.
Don't have piv sex. Easy.
Or
Use latex free condoms if that's what causes the soreness.
A copper coil is non hormonal.

CrohnicallyChanging · 23/03/2014 20:25

Well normally I would advocate the man being sterilised as I'm pretty sure it's a smaller/easier operation with a lower risk of complications.

However you said I have a small dream of having more children but obviously not with DP if you want him to get sterilised! Therefore I think YABVU. If either of you have any doubts about wanting more children, you shouldn't get sterilised. Either of you. Sterilisation is a permanent choice (yes, I'm aware that it can sometimes be reversed, but not every time and at the time of sterilisation you have no idea which group you fall into).

Artandco · 23/03/2014 20:25

Why would any of you have if you still want more children..

formerbabe · 23/03/2014 20:26

Really?! A man is pathetic for not wanting a vasectomy!?

WooWooOwl · 23/03/2014 20:26

YABU to expect anyone to do something they don't want to do to their own body.

If he doesn't want a vasectomy, it would be very very wrong for you to pressure him.

LittleMsContrary · 23/03/2014 20:26

Why is he able to keep his options open despite only wanting 2 DC?

When/if the male contraception pill becomes available, would he be willing to take responsibility for contraception or would that be too much of an inconvenience?

mrsjay · 23/03/2014 20:28

YABU what if your husband wants more children in the future and if your husband is not with youis that fair on him just because you dont want your fertility taken away. I have been sterilised for health reasons and I wouldnt have asked my husband to do it I cant have anymore children doesnt mean he should have got it done because i pushed a baby out

Melonbreath · 23/03/2014 20:29

Tell him if he fancies a shag with no babies as a possibility then to get himself booked in.

Original poster
ikeaismylocal · 23/03/2014 20:30

Maybe your dh doesn't want to 'burn his fertility bridges.' No he doesn't want more children.

I'm only in my 20s and I hope that me and dp will be together forever but if we did split up I would want the option to have more children, he has said that even if we split up he only wants 2 children.

I wouldn't go behind my dps back or split up with him to have more children but I just feel that sterilization is so final.

I'll look into the coil, I didn't realise it was not hormonal, thanks for the tip!

OP posts:
Cotherstone · 23/03/2014 20:30

IMO it's fine for the man to say no. OH has said no, even though I'm fairly certain that I'd want to do something definite after DC2, if we have one. He's fine with me doing that as he knows that 2DC would be the family we want for us, but who knows, maybe one day we will split up and he might want DC with another wife. Whereas as a woman, as the one who has horrendous pregnancies, I can much more comfortably and definitely say that I wouldn't want any more children.

YWBU to pressure him. There are other contraceptives you can try, such as the coil or the diaphragm (we can't use hormonal contraception but the diaphragm is working fine for us), have a good talk with your GP.

Slapperati · 23/03/2014 20:30

YANBU.

Dp feels it would be wrong for him to have a vasectomy despite not wanting anymore children.

if he is absolutely sure he doesn't want any more children than he should take on the responsibility of contraception. Simple.

formerbabe · 23/03/2014 20:31

There are 2 types of coil.

One is hormonal, the other isn't.

I have the non-hormonal one...it changed my life!

BobPatSamandIgglePiggle · 23/03/2014 20:32

I'm with you. Although you'll be shot down by the 'it's empowering to take charge of your own fertility' brigade.

Theknacktoflying · 23/03/2014 20:33

Seriously, I will always plump to have DH get the snip - it is not as invasive, fewer side effects and if he can barely afford to keep my children there is bugger all chance he could afford any more with another woman.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 23/03/2014 20:33

Doesn't anyone use diaphragms any more?

formerbabe · 23/03/2014 20:34

I shudder at these sort of discussions. Imagine if a man was trying to tell his wife to get sterilized?!

Dahlen · 23/03/2014 20:37

I think you have two separate issues going on here.

The main question about who should be the one to be sterilised is an easy one IMO. All things being equal (which they rarely are, but let's not go there for now), sterilisation is a much simpler procedure for men than it is for women. And given that women have to bear by far the greater burden when it comes to reproduction and contraception, I see male sterilisation undertaken voluntarily as an ideal way of evening out the balance when both parties are sure that they want no more babies. No one should ever get to force or coerce a partner into sterilisation and his wishes should be respected if he doesn't want to do it, but IMO the reason "it would make him feel less of a man" is rather poor.

Does he not think female sterilisation - which carries a much higher surgical risk anyway (especially given your history of blood-clotting disorders) - would make you feel like less of a woman? How does he propose managing contraception if sterilisation is not an option? Unless he is happy to continue with condoms (knowing that they cause you physical discomfort) why does he feel contraception is your responsibility?

The second issue and the problem we have here, is the fact that you clearly aren't ready to give up the idea of having more children, in which case I'd really recommend that neither one of you goes for anything as drastic as surgical sterilisation.

BobPatSamandIgglePiggle · 23/03/2014 20:37

He is the one that doesnt want more dc though former -why should the op have an operation / have a coil / be sore from condoms to fulfil his wish?

Theknacktoflying · 23/03/2014 20:37

But then we are not talking about a fair or a equal ground - women are the pigs to the men's chickens and all to often are the one's who bear the biggest load

Original poster
ikeaismylocal · 23/03/2014 20:39

I think I just feel frustrated about the situation, dp is certain that he doesn't want more children but he expects me to sort out the contraception for the next 20+ years just so he can still feel like a man because he has some sperm (which he has no intention of useing) in his ejaculation.

I feel like if he feels that strongly that he only wants 2 then he should deal with sorting out a contraception solution.

If I only wanted 2 children I would get sterilized rather than expect dp to use condoms for the next 20+ years (imagine the landfill!) or get steralized himself.

OP posts:
Orangeisthenewbanana · 23/03/2014 20:40

I have a blood clotting disorder too & similar issues with condoms so the copper (non-hormonal) coil was really our only option as we haven't yet finished our family. Bit uncomfy going in - though compared to labour a doddle! - but after that it's been great.

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