to expect dp to be surgically sterilized rather than me?

[ikeaismylocal]

Dp and I both have fertility issues, it took years and nearly IVF to conceive ds, we never thought we'd have to worry about contraception as it seemed impossible to get pregnant. As it turns out it was much easier to get pregnant with dc2, I'm currently pregnant despite not tracking ovulation and breastfeeding ds1.

We are starting to think about the future and the need for contraception, I'd love 4 children but dp only wants 2. I have a family history of blood clotting disorders and I have been advised not to take hormonal contraceptives.

We could use condoms although they make me a bit sore, we could use the rhythm method but that may not work.

The logical solution would be for one of us to be surgically sterilized. I feel that as I have had the physical strain of pregnancy, birth, post birth recovery and breastfeeding that dp should be the one to have an operation. I also feel that as I have a small dream of having more children I don't want to burn those fertility bridges so to speak.

Dp feels it would be wrong for him to have a vasectomy despite not wanting anymore children, he feels it would make him feel less of a man.

Aibu to think that if one of us is going to get sterilized it should be him?

I'm not sure why I should have to deal with contraception for the next 20 odd years when its him that doesn't want any more

I would refuse sex, or tell him outright that you are not covered & he needs to use something if he doesn't want more kids.

I wouldn't force him to have surgery.

different - Refusing to have penetrative sex is not refusing sex. You can still have sex but without penetration.

I've seen too many people have the snip and then regret it to ever recommend it as an elective. It's difficult, if not impossible to reverse. Who knows what the future will bring? No means no. This is just absolutely non negotiable. YABU.

If myself and my DH had decided we both definitely didn't want children i wouldn't have sex with him if he didn't get a vasectomy for pretty much all the same reasons as OP. I really don't see how it follows that it can be so wrong to pressure a man into getting a vasectomy because that inviolates his authority over what happens with his own body by suggesting the woman inviolate her own twice with sex she would probably be too uncomfortable or too petrified to enjoy with the possibly of a pregnancy she doesn't want. I wouldn't consider it 'withholding sex' I would consider it choosing my own contraceptive option.

I would suggest, OP, that if he is happy to use the rhythmn method as a long term contraceptive he is much less strongly averted to the possibility of having more children than he would suggest. Or an idiot.

Each person should control their own fertility.

DH is pretty adamant he doesn't want any more, I am 50/50.

I have gotten the mirena for now as I too didn't want to burn my bridges.

DH can get the snip if he is sure.

If I wanted more children and he didn't then I would say the onus was on him to ensure that he didn't have any more children.

Just because he thinks this is your responsibility doesn't make it so.

I would obviously be upfront and say that I was not using any birth control and therefore he can make clear choices.

But it is MY body and I will do what I like with it, DH's body is his body and it is totally his call - same with your DH.

I would be advising your dp to have a serious think about the relationship... She wants more kids but not with him because she wants him sterilised? (Hmm) doesn't sound as if op is planning to stick around.

No. OP is in her 20s and her partner wants her to be sterilized because he doesn't want any more kids, because his sisters are, because he doesn't want to use condoms or have the snip, and because due to medical issues she cannot use hormonal contraception or have a coil fitted. OP has said that she has no plans to leave, but does not want to be forced into being permanently sterilized in her 20s as she would like to keep options open in case at some point the relationship ended, or her DH died.

Who gets sterilized in their 20s???

Whether the reasons or not wanting surgery are good or flaky, if someone does not want to be rendered permanently sterile then that is not an option.

Looking at contraception, rather than surgery for permanent infertility, the options are different for each sex and with far more restricted choice for men because of the biological differences in gamete production, storage and movement.

OP does not want to use condoms. This leaves no options for her DH to select from other than withdrawal or abstinence.

As she is also needs to rule out all hormonal contraception and all coils, that then leaves only diaphragm, female condom, NFP or abstinence.

YANBU

Yes he has a right of autonomy over his own body but in that case contraception is his responsibility. Just like you can't force him to have the operation, he can't force you to have a foreign object inserted into you (coil) or pump your body full of hormones.

I would refuse all forms of contraception so it's up to him if he takes the risk of you getting pregnant. Perhaps then he will take a more responsible view.

Marriage, having children and deciding not to have more children should be mean you both take responsibility for what that entails not just the woman.

I didn't want to go through labour or endure pregnancy but for us to have children I had no choice. I also didn't want to have a csection that's left my body disfigured with a horrible scar but I had no choice.

Sometimes to achieve the kind of life you want, have children or prevent them you have to do things you don't necessarily want to do.

I have no intention of leaving my dp, we have a great relationship and we are both very happy. I realistically know that there is a chance that something unexpected could happen in our family, breakups and bereavements are obviously not things I want to happen but there is a chance however happy and healthy your family is that they could happen.

I am happy with 2 children and a relationship with my dp but if our relationship finished for whatever reason there is a chance I'd want more children.

Dp is nearly 40 and one of the reasons he doesn't want more children is that he doesn't want to become a parent after he turns 40 ( I'm not sure what he thinks happens on your 40th birthday) the only way for us to have more children before he turns 40 is if had 3 under 3 which isn't something I'd be very good at!

If he's prepared to use condoms (the only other option availble available to him) then he is being responsible. It is OP who ruled those out.

The woman has far more contraceptiive choices than the man, even with the restrictions of O's circumstances, she has the choice of two or abstinence, where as DH has only one (if you count withdrawal at all).

This isn't just about gender and expectations of women's and men's roles. This is about biological sex, which means there are simply not the same number choices available.

YABU to expect it. You can't push anybody to have surgery, it's something they must decide for themselves. It is reasonable to expect him to deal with contraception as he's the one who doesn't want anymore children.
This leaves condoms, vasectomy, abstinence or risking pregnancy. If you're happy to do natural family planning then I'd go with that in your circumstances, if you get pregnant though he'll have to accept it.
By the way if it's the latex/lube that make you sore with condoms there are latex or lube free ones. We use Skyn latex free and they have no lube, they're the first brand of condom that doesn't make me sore.

Is sterilisation on the NHS even an option in your 20s? DH went to enquire about the snip when he was 39 and the GP considered him too young. I can't imagine they would be keen to irreversibly sterilise a woman in their 20s.

you don't sound like a very loving or mutually supportive couple op to be honest.

if I were you I would take great care of your own contraceptive choices and see how your relationship goes.

he sounds selfish and neither of you seem like you may be in this relationship for yet long haul.

TheBody - I may have missed something, but how is he any more selfish than the OP?

Personally, knowing the damage that was done to me, I'd give up penetrative sex. Just not worth the risk of the 10% and being left high and dry, no counselling, nothing. Surgery for none essential stuff is risky. I've had other surgery for 'real' issues that was far less bothersome than the bloody snip.

As the supply of sperm is cut off this causes the epididymis to swell. If the body does not absorb it into the blood stream fast enough this causes severe pain. Also the sperm can cause auto immune reactions as it should not be in the blood. This isn't researched well, but it is one cause of a specific form of dementia.

Bet you never knew that. Been doing my research and the side effects are very hushed up.

Don't get yourselves surgically sterilised, either partner. Don't fix what is not supposed to be fixed.

There is actually a male pill. He does have other contraceptive choices. Sure it has side effects, just like the female one.

The male pill isn't reliable at all, and if you research how a man's reproductive organs work, you will know why.

There is at least three months supply of sperm in a blokes tubes before it reaches the point of being mixed with seminal fluid. Hence the three month wait after the chop.

There really isn't much choice for a man.

What are the success rates for the male pill? I thought it was pretty much the same success rate as other methods.

The male pill tries to interfere with natural testosterone production, which is actually very damaging to a mans health. I've considered the option of having both mine removed due to pain, but I would have to have testosterone injections and be monitored. Let's say it's not a choice you would want unless you had a life threatening condition like cancer.

The male pill doesn't work, nor is it available. Love threads like this as this is why folk say 'get him snipped'. Folk haven't done the research and found the bad sides of it. Google NH S Choices and male pill, it explains it quite well.

The male pill doesn't work. Do your research.

I've seen too many people have the snip and then regret it to ever recommend it as an elective. It's difficult, if not impossible to reverse. Who knows what the future will bring? No means no. This is just absolutely non negotiable. YABU.

^^ that

We saw our GP last week and while we were there DH asked for some general information on getting a vasectomy as we've just had our third DC.

GP told us that he advises against it except for medical reasons and would not recommend it as an elective surgery. He gave us the reasons why - risk involved, circumstances change, minds change, and so on. He did say he'd refer DH if he really wanted it done but not until our youngest is at least a year old as lots of people say they want it done hen they have very small children but regret it when the children are older and they can't have another. He also said he would refer DH for at least one counselling session first too.

His main reasons for not recommending it though is that the risks outweigh the benefits, especially when modern contraceptive methods carry far lower risks than an elective surgery and are very effective at preventing pregnancy.

Having read some of the stories on here, especially TheFuzz's, I'm going to be asking that DH doesn't get it done as I don't want any of that for him. I'd rather take the pill or get a coil fitted.

My cousin pressured her DH into a vasectomy. They don't want any more children after their third, she didn't want to take the pill, she didn't want the surgery, so she pushed him into it. He was advised against it but did it to keep her happy. When their youngest started nursery she left him because she decided she did want more children after all. She went on to have another three with her new husband. He also remarrie but can't have children with his new wife, she is in her early 30s and wants them, they're having to look at other options.

YABU to pressure him into having potentially life-changing elective surgery. He has every right to not want it done and if you don't want to get pregnant again you need to take responsibility for yourself just as he needs to take responsibility for himself to prevent you getting pregnant again if he doesn't want a third DC.

Okay, they say it is still at the research stage. They also say -

"The goal of hormonal contraception research is to find a way of temporarily blocking the effects of testosterone so testicles stop producing healthy sperm cells. However, this needs to be achieved without lowering testosterone levels to such an extent that it triggers side effects, such as a loss of sexual desire."

However nobody cares that women routinely suffer negative side effects from being on the pill. Women are expected to just put up with it.

I think the option we will go for is ddecreasing fertility as much as possible, hot saunas at least once a week for dp and tight pants, I'll continue breastfeeding for a few year ( although that didn't help when I last got pregnant) and we will use the rhythm method. As livvy says 2 babies/toddlers will probably be pretty effective contraception!