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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect dp to be surgically sterilized rather than me?

208 replies

ikeaismylocal · 23/03/2014 20:19

Dp and I both have fertility issues, it took years and nearly IVF to conceive ds, we never thought we'd have to worry about contraception as it seemed impossible to get pregnant. As it turns out it was much easier to get pregnant with dc2, I'm currently pregnant despite not tracking ovulation and breastfeeding ds1.

We are starting to think about the future and the need for contraception, I'd love 4 children but dp only wants 2. I have a family history of blood clotting disorders and I have been advised not to take hormonal contraceptives.

We could use condoms although they make me a bit sore, we could use the rhythm method but that may not work.

The logical solution would be for one of us to be surgically sterilized. I feel that as I have had the physical strain of pregnancy, birth, post birth recovery and breastfeeding that dp should be the one to have an operation. I also feel that as I have a small dream of having more children I don't want to burn those fertility bridges so to speak.

Dp feels it would be wrong for him to have a vasectomy despite not wanting anymore children, he feels it would make him feel less of a man.

Aibu to think that if one of us is going to get sterilized it should be him?

OP posts:
SignoraStronza · 23/03/2014 21:07

I think the one who is the most adamant about no more children should be the one to consider sterilisation. In our case I'll be getting sterilised at cs #3 provided everything goes okay.

If your dh is so sure he doesn't want any more children he should get sterilised or use condoms or withdrawal.

I do sometimes get really pissed off that dh would never consider vasectomy anyway (I.e if a PPH makes it unfeasible to do during cs) and leave it to me to have another invasive op, however I accept that if he were to lose us all in a car crash he might possibly wish to 'start again' whereas for me, 3 cs is my limit regardless of what the future may hold.

Meglet · 23/03/2014 21:07

yanbu.

LondonForTheWeekend · 23/03/2014 21:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
ikeaismylocal · 23/03/2014 21:10

We don't live in the UK and sterilization just seems to be what you do when you have finished having your kids, dp has 3 sisters who are all sterilized.

I can see the point, if you know you don't want more kids then what is the point in faffing about with contraception for the next couple of decades.

I think the main problem is that we disagree about family size, my feelings might change when I have 2 dc, I might think 2 is an ideal number.

I do respect dp's desire to have no more than 2 children, I just feel that if he is so strongly convinced that he only wants 2 he should do something about it.

OP posts:
Owllady · 23/03/2014 21:10

I agree with the op
How shocking is that :) have two more children if that's what you want if he won't take control of his fertility

I think it is terribly old fashioned to think the woman always has to look after contraception.

Original poster
ikeaismylocal · 23/03/2014 21:13

have two more children if that's what you want if he won't take control of his fertility

I have considered this. After 4 I'd be booking myself in to get my tubes tied!

OP posts:
Owllady · 23/03/2014 21:19

Job done then Wink

AwfulMaureen · 23/03/2014 21:23

The moment my DH indicated he felt uncomfortable about the snip I never asked again. Why should he? I don't want to get my tubes messed with...neither does he. We have to be careful. I also have an aversion to condoms.

We use the rhythm method. Yes it's unreliable to a point but at 41 I know my body. We've never had a problem and have been doing it for 6 years now.

aermingers · 23/03/2014 21:27

Nurseywursy. I'm not suggesting witholding sex. But if at the moment neither of them want sex and they cannot find an effective form of contraception that is the only way of doing it.

The way he is looking at it is that sex is a given right and children are just the optional extra. It's not actually the case, if they don't want to have children abstinence is an option. And if that option is on the table he may well decide that he will have a vasectomy after all.

He is ignoring the fact that he receives a benefit from this arrangement (sex) and should consider how much that benefit means to him. If he is not prepared to try abstinence why should the OP be prepared to have her tubes tied? Abstinence is reversable and doesn't carry any health risks.

wishful75 · 23/03/2014 21:29

Yanbu

he has to take responsibility for his own contraception if he doesn't want more children. You've done enough. Lots of enablers on this thread that appear quite happy to let men abdicate responsibility.

deakymom · 23/03/2014 21:31

one, he does not want anymore children. two, you might

its easier for him to be snipped than you

either way it works out more logical for him to be snipped than you

my husband did it he saw how hard childbirth was he saw how much it took out of me and he really didn't want anymore kids so he did it end of discussion to be fair its his body his choice and he made it took the stress of me Grin

halfdrunktea · 23/03/2014 21:34

I don't see how it should make him less of a man! From DH's experience, that isn't the case at all, and it's a very straightforward procedure. And certainly a walk in the park compared to childbirth.

Chunderella · 23/03/2014 21:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 23/03/2014 21:41

I used to think any man who wouldn't have a vasectomy was a prat.

Then DH had his done. He was one of the 10-15%. It was a fucking disaster. Worst decision we ever made.

AwfulMaureen · 23/03/2014 21:51

John I've never understood that attitude. A man's body is the same as a woman's in that it is HIS...he shouldn't have to put the kibosh on his sperm if he doesn't want to...and be branded a prat because of it!

I'm sorry your DH's went wrong Sad My DH knows a man and he had terrible troubles with his too.

Ludways · 23/03/2014 21:52

I had the copper coil, it was awful, hated every month of shear period hell.

Dh made the decision, after much research, to have a vasectomy. The op itself was plain sailing at first until they nicked a vein, the doctor said there shouldn't be a vein right there but dh Is wired differently, lol. Once that was sorted out he healed well. I can assure you, it doesn't in anyway make him less of a man!

JohnFarleysRuskin · 23/03/2014 22:12

Mm, Maureen, I have changed my stance radically!

Now I would never want to influence anyone into taking a surgical procedure nor think that refusal to have surgery is prattish.

KidLorneRoll · 23/03/2014 22:16

Insisting someone undergoes a surgical procedure against their wishes is not in any way acceptable.

Dahlen · 23/03/2014 22:16

REfusal to have surgery is NOT prattish.

Refusal to countenance any more children while at the same time refusing to take any responsibility for contraception IS prattish.

AcrossthePond55 · 23/03/2014 22:23

Reproductive freedom is an equal opportunity deal, IMHO. Neither party should try to coerce the other. BUT if one party definitely doesn't want more children and the other party isn't so sure, then it seems to me that the one who doesn't want more children should be the one to take care of the problem. And to accept the consequences if their 'squeamishness' won't allow them to do so.

In this case, the DH doesn't want more kids but also has the (archaic) attitude that the snip makes him 'less than a man'. And OP's choices are limited by valid medical issues to methods that are less than optimally effective. OK fine. Then HE will have to accept the chance that OP will get pregnant BECAUSE of his feelings. And frankly, that's what I'd say if I was OP.

As far as the diaphragm goes; DS1 was a 'diaphragm baby'. And I suffered a mc using rhythm + condoms after (planned) DS2. Unfortunately barrier methods are just not that reliable.

Both DH & I (upon the advice of my ob/gyn, as both sons were premature, then the mc) decided that we were done. DH didn't want the snip so I had my tubes tied. It was easy & painless. I was ready to be up & about 48 hours later.

NoArmaniNoPunani · 23/03/2014 22:26

Can't you just use condoms/ do bumsex?

Estrellita · 23/03/2014 22:27

You don't have to comment on this op but are you using plenty of lube with condoms? Makes all the difference...

itsbetterthanabox · 23/03/2014 22:28

Obviously no one should have an op they don't want but the reason I think he is pathetic is because he thinks it will make him less of a man Confused. He is the one who doesn't want more children but wants his partner to have a bigger more invasive op rather than himself. Neither being sterilised is obviously the solution but he shouldn't expect her to do it.

itsbetterthanabox · 23/03/2014 22:31

Don't put the p in the v!

Lucylouby · 23/03/2014 22:45

We we quite similar to you op. we have three dc, DH does not want any more children, I am happy with three, but would have had another if DH wanted too. I refuse to take the pill again, it gave me really bad headaches and I don't want to put hormones into my body every day for the next 15 years, Condoms are a faff and other issues mean the coil is out. We need something reliable and although we got pg really quickly because I know exactly when I ovulate, I was not prepared to take any risks using natural methods. We either want a baby and are ttc or we are preventing pregnancy. So as it was a permenant decision not to reproduce again, we needed a permanent contraceptive. He got a vasectomy last year. Very simple procedure compared to me enduring surgery for a mmc and carrying, delivering and bfing our three children.
It would be wrong for you to order him to have a vasectomy but some of the responsibility for contraceptives is his and so he should be giving this option serious thought if other methods are not suitable for you as a couple.