to expect dp to be surgically sterilized rather than me?

[ikeaismylocal]

Dp and I both have fertility issues, it took years and nearly IVF to conceive ds, we never thought we'd have to worry about contraception as it seemed impossible to get pregnant. As it turns out it was much easier to get pregnant with dc2, I'm currently pregnant despite not tracking ovulation and breastfeeding ds1.

We are starting to think about the future and the need for contraception, I'd love 4 children but dp only wants 2. I have a family history of blood clotting disorders and I have been advised not to take hormonal contraceptives.

We could use condoms although they make me a bit sore, we could use the rhythm method but that may not work.

The logical solution would be for one of us to be surgically sterilized. I feel that as I have had the physical strain of pregnancy, birth, post birth recovery and breastfeeding that dp should be the one to have an operation. I also feel that as I have a small dream of having more children I don't want to burn those fertility bridges so to speak.

Dp feels it would be wrong for him to have a vasectomy despite not wanting anymore children, he feels it would make him feel less of a man.

Aibu to think that if one of us is going to get sterilized it should be him?

We have three children. Neither of us wanted any more than that, and we were both clear about that once our third daughter was born. I had taken responsibility for our contraception and family planning for the best part of 20 years, and my husband considered it was definitely his turn from now onwards.

It doesn't make a man any less of a man. It doesn't even reduce the levels of male hormone (testosterone) because the testicles remain intact, they are just "cut off" from their connection to the outside world, as it were.

You cannot force him to have any surgical procedure, just as he cannot force you. You can, however, point out to him what the consequences could be if he keeps on with his current attitude (i.e. you could get pregnant again unless he agrees to live in celibacy).

It isn't ideal, obviously. However, he does need to be willing to take some responsibility if he is so vehemently against fathering more children. The responsibility doesn't always need to be always on you, OP.

This is an easy one, surely?

'Ok DH, no problem, I would actually like more children, so if you really don't want a vasectomy, I'm happy to continue with the riskier methods still available to us such as rhythm or pulling out. I guess if you REALLY don't want to take the risk of another, you'll be taking the responsibility of finding a more reliable option.'

I don't understand why you feel any responsibility to make sure he gets the situation he prefers, when you'd actually prefer something else. This really is his problem!

YANBU to expect that if he is adamant he doesn't want more children, contraception is his responsibility, and vasectomy is a clear choice.

OP, you have no obligation to be sterilized. You would like the option of more children. If something happened to DH, you would have no option. If something happened to you, your DH has reversal as an option, but feels his days of having children are over anyway.

Don't use any method of contraception you aren't comfortable with. And let DP know that if you're doing rhythm, pulling out, diaphragm, etc, you're fine having another baby if it happens -and the risk is high. If he can't handle that, he needs to sort it out himself, or not have sex.

You don't want to rule out the option of having future children - he says he doesn't want any more but could that be because he is afraid you will talk him into having another with you?

Maybe he doesn't want to rule out the prospect of future children but doesn't want to say that to you in case you press for number 3?

I don't think it's fair for you to say you want to kep your options open and expect him to not do the same...................

DH had a vasectomy after dc 2 was born, it was his choice and I wouldn't have put pressure on him.

DH was adamant he didn't want more kids. I'd have had another.

He refused to have a vasectomy for no other reason than he thought it might hurt. I struggled with hormonal contraceptive, got PID from the coil, used condoms, had them come off sometimes and had to take the MAP.

I ended up getting sterilised. I'd have preferred it if he had but he wasn't budging. Fairly minor op. Its keyhole, I had it done under spinal so no GA.

I laid it on thick and made him run around after me for a week while I lazed in bed and watched DVDs!

It took my dh 5 years to get sterilised as he was rather scared of the procedure. I nearly throttled him when he said "If I had known how easy it would be then I would have had it sooner!"

But I don't think it's fair to expect anyone to rush into a decision which is so final. Waiting 5 years was probably the best thing for us. I had gone to see about being sterilised and the GP talked dh, who had gatecrashed my appointment, into going for the counselling session.

But if you think you want more children than don't get sterilised. What if you and your DP split in a couple of years? You might then meet someone else who you could have those kids with?

Don't mean to sound pessimistic but it's a possibility.

I know I didn't follow my own advice but in my case by the time I got round to being sterilised I was fairly happy not to have another. DD was 7 and I couldn't face going back to having a newborn.

I've not read the whole thread as things started to get quite angry early on!

To the OP - you have to take responsibility if you both decide that you do not wish to have children. To expect one of you to do something they are not comfortable with would be wrong.

You both seem quite uncomfortable with the idea, and not want the operation, so are you sure that you both actually do no wish to have anymore children? Have you had a proper conversation with your DP about it?

If you decide you don't want them, but DP is unprepared to have the operation, you have to find another solution. That doesn't necessarily mean you have to have the operation.

You could use condoms, yes. If they bother you, then you would be well within your rights to remove that as an option - I dont know anyone who would want to continue with sex that makes them uncomfortable or sore.

You could then consider the coil. I am not allowed hormonal contraceptives due to a medical condition so have a coil instead.

Equally, you could decide to avoid PIV sex, which would avoid pregnancy altogether.

But I do think YABU to expect your DP to undertake an operation that he is not happy about.

DH only wanted one child, so he booked himself in to get the snip. He felt it was his responsibility, as he didn't want more children.

Once my hormones settled down, I agreed with him and 15 years later, we are both very happy with the whole arrangement.

I would not have made him do it against his wishes though.

I had the snip because we had 5 children and it was easier for me to 'Get done' because my ex had complications and it was safer and I didn't want to put her through a more invasive surgery. She initiated the discussion of permanent contraception and we made the decision as a team.

Fast forward 11 years and she has had another 3 children with her new husband one of which was born a year after my operation which I was slightly puzzled about.

Personally the 5 children I have fill my days and looking back it was the correct decision for me but I would always advice a man that getting the snip only limits HIS ability to have children and that HE has to be ultimately sure that he makes the decision for him alone.

If HE does not want any more children the HE should do something about not having them.

I don't understand the OP problem, possibly because I'm a man. How can condoms be at fault for causing discomfort? I don't think a penis with a condom has any significant physical difference (in size or lubrication) compared to a naked penis, except in some cases (some types of condom) the lubrication may be better with a condom. To me this sounds like a lubrication issue, not a contraception one.

(I notice someone else has said they have a similar problem, so I realise it might just be my understanding that's at fault.)

I object to the suggestion that a man who isn't keen on a vasectomy is pathetic. There have been many threads of this type and while MOST procedures go fine there are of course risks and people who have spoken out and say their DP had a very rough time and have suffered complications, often quite serious ones.

I have a family member who had very serious complications indeed and, as a bloke, it would pretty much put me off ever undergoing such a procedure, even though I know the majority of cases are fine.

We will experiment with lube and see if that makes a difference to how condoms feel.

I think the rhythm method could work for us, and a 3rd child would be manageable, maybe if I was pregnant with a 3rd it would encourage dp to get a vasectomy.

If I was male I wouldn't want a vasectomy TBH.

YABVU to be annoyed that your DH won't have a vasectomy.
YABridiculouslyU to think you have any right or say in his decision.

It's his body so it's his decision. You clearly won't have anything permanent done if he says you should, why does your opinion trump his? He aren't talking about picking paint colours here. We are talking about permanently changing the function of his body.

Honestly, I'm amazed anyone would think they have any say in this decision.

I wouldn't be with someone who considered my opinion over my own body to be so insignificant!

The logical answer would be for him to be snipped, he doesn't want anymore children ergo he should be responsible for ensuring that doesn't happen. I'm not seeing why the onus should be on you to prevent a pregnancy that you don't necessarily want to prevent.
As for not feeling manly, DH just laughed at that, he still grows hair on his face, he still gets horny, he is still very strong and fit, he still farts in bed, and he still ejeculates, nothing has changed except now there is no worry about a baby.

My DH wouldn't get it done, for the same reason as the OP. I had it done under GA and had a week off work.

I would put all discussion of this on pause until you have brought that baby home safely and your fertility/sex life has come back.

Pregnancy is not the time to permanently be sterilised.

He may feel differently once you have 2 babies at home. As might you. If you still want children, I would be very wary of going down this road regardless of DH saying he doesn't want more right now.

Diaphragm sounds like a great idea. I don't think it's fair you use a contraceptive method you are uncomfortable with e.g. Pill or condoms etc, so when the time comes you will have to have a discussion of what works for you both. If DH won't risk the rhythm method and there is no barrier contraception which you are compatible with, then he needs to think of alternatives.

Oh, YANBU btw

OP, which variation of rhythm method do you use? The most reliable ones involve temperature checking, plus checking of cervical position and mucous. You chart your cycle every day based on all three fertility signs. Then you also give yourself a generous window pre and post ovulation as sperm can live for several days in utero. Basically you've got about a week every month where you have to abstain or use a barrier method. When practiced correctly the failure rate is about 10%, more than hormonal contraception but less than condoms. There's a book / website called Taking Charge of Your Fertility which is an excellent resource.

But don't worry about it while you're pregnant! And certainly don't entertain the thought of getting sterilized in your 20s. Revisit post baby when contraception is necessary again. I agree with other posters that if your DH is dead set against any more, then he should have the snip. If he would ideally prefer not to have anymore but could cope with another child or two then keep using less reliable methods. Make sure that he understands 100% that you will not terminate any unplanned pregnancies. (If you wouldn't, that is) Some men seem to consider that a form of contraception...

As a 1 in 10 recipient of Post Vasectomy Pain Syndrome then I can tell you, neither of you will be wanting this. You can kiss getting frisky goodby to maybe once a month. The pain that is caused is unbearable.

I personally wouldn't recommend any surgical procedures to either partner.

I opted for it as my wife has hormonal issues, but I was butchered as well in the proceduce. I had just about every complication, wound didn't heal, masses of swelling, incredible pain that lasted months, and a surgical error severing a blood vessel. Oh and one snip was pain free, the second wasn't, felt every zap which was excruciating.

It was 12 months before I went in to have my plumbing taken out (epididymectomy) but that's not cured the PVPS. Whilst the second surgery corrected the GP's error, the scarring from removal of my epididymis (forms about a fifth of the mass of the testicle) has been extensive and i've now 'got more not less'. Unfortunalely this mass keeps swelling and can only be controlled by zonking myself out with 60mg codeine and 100mg of paracetemol to get some sleep.

It's ruined our sex life and it's ruined a sport I love. I cycle commute to work about 30 miles a day, but I can no longer ride at weekends due to pain, where as before the vasectomy I was riding 120 miles in 6 hours !

I'm now out of options. I have constant pain in my testicle with the epididymectomy, which is excruitating at times. My other testicle, along with the operated on one, suffer PVPS where you get a dull to sharp pain, especially in the mornings where you can't actually stay in bed (so friskyness is out here).

Oh and you'll go and see the GP and they will tell you this condition doesn't exist. You'll ask again just before you are snipped, 'oh no doesn't exist' You ask again on follow up appointments becasue you are still in pain, 'oh no it's not that'.

Months go by until you get to see a Urologist. 'Ah Mr TheFuzz' it's very common you know. WTF. We can't fix it. We'll do an epididymectomy to see if that helps, but can't do both (risks). Woke from surgery and within an hour I was kicked out still wobbling across the car park.

Can't really chop it off (I've asked for both to be chopped off it gets that bad) as it's unlikely to stop the pain.

Reversals aren't on the NHS, and they only have a 60% success.

I am basically scuppered. Sex life is once in a blue moon, I awake in pain every day, have pain through the day, and can't do my sport properly. I've got both painful internal scarring and external scarring. One testicle moves, the other doesn't as it's stitched to the scrotum, so pulls on the surgery scar.

Be warned ! 1 in 10 is a seriously high number and if you end up in this category then it's tough luck, so kiss goodby to your sex lives.

Try some other method, or just don't have much sex. Far better than surgery.

Oh and if you still decide the man needs butchering, then make sure a hospital does it, not a GP (insider advice from my Hospital).

If a Vasectomy goes wrong, you won't feel much of a man as you won't be up to keeping your partner happy. You'll also be thinking about getting them both removed due to pain, then you'll be in a mess as you'll have no testosterone.

Some shocking opinions on here, but it goes with the nature of this forum. Neither partner should have surgery if they don't want it. There are other methods that you need to discuss.

Simple procedure, high risk of long term complications FACT.

The snip is a simple proceudre, but the side effects are usually hushed up, and blokes don't talk about it. Excrutiating pain during the procedure is very common, but not much you can do when your pipes are pulled out the hole and in the middle of being cut. Bruising and swelling are common too, as is 1 in 5 for a severed blood vessels. That caused me loads of trouble due to the way it was stitched off by the GP - I could feel it pulled tight within my groin. Fortunately the surgeon tidied this up.

I also wouldn't recommend an epididymectomy either, especially if you are an active person. The whole testicle is removed via a large incision before the epididymis is cut off the back, then it's stitched and anchored back in. As it heals you realise that the surgery site remains painful and so does any 'movement' - so runners/cyclists/footballers etc etc need to be careful. It's definately not a good idea as a cyclist (as I now know).

Really?! A man is pathetic for not wanting a vasectomy!?

I know!! I agree...the op doesn't want to be sterilized, no one would dare call her pathetic!

I hate this 'I have done my bit, he'll have to do his'. Surely all is equal in marriage & isn't a 'it's your turn now' thing! Certainly isn't in mine.

I was sterilized because my dh cannot cope with hospitals, clinics etc. And I needed to be sure that I wouldn't get pregnant as I cannot put my body through another pregnancy.

I shudder at these sort of discussions. Imagine if a man was trying to tell his wife to get sterilized?! It would be a very different thread, wouldn't it.