to expect dp to be surgically sterilized rather than me?

[ikeaismylocal]

Dp and I both have fertility issues, it took years and nearly IVF to conceive ds, we never thought we'd have to worry about contraception as it seemed impossible to get pregnant. As it turns out it was much easier to get pregnant with dc2, I'm currently pregnant despite not tracking ovulation and breastfeeding ds1.

We are starting to think about the future and the need for contraception, I'd love 4 children but dp only wants 2. I have a family history of blood clotting disorders and I have been advised not to take hormonal contraceptives.

We could use condoms although they make me a bit sore, we could use the rhythm method but that may not work.

The logical solution would be for one of us to be surgically sterilized. I feel that as I have had the physical strain of pregnancy, birth, post birth recovery and breastfeeding that dp should be the one to have an operation. I also feel that as I have a small dream of having more children I don't want to burn those fertility bridges so to speak.

Dp feels it would be wrong for him to have a vasectomy despite not wanting anymore children, he feels it would make him feel less of a man.

Aibu to think that if one of us is going to get sterilized it should be him?

Belly - You do know the coil and the pill carry risks too? So you don't want your DP to be exp;osed to risks, but you will expose yourself to them?

However nobody cares that women routinely suffer negative side effects from being on the pill. Women are expected to just put up with it.

I don't think it's that no one cares, I think it's that side effects are a given when you're taking a medication that interferes with the body's natural process: build lining, release egg, get egg fertilised, grow a baby. It's what we're genetically programmed to do, continuation of the species. Hormone-based contraception interferes with that process and there are bound to be side effects but those side effects are less than they were when the pill first came out and future generations of hormone-based contraception will probably have even fewer side effects.

While there are women out there who have a horrendous time with hormone-based contraception the majority have very few problems using them. Personally I'd rather suffer a few spots and some mood swings in my pill free week than have no control over my own fertility.

The only two potential methods for contraception involve either stopping production of gametes or blocking the path so they cannot meet.

Stopping the production of sperm is not like blocking ovulation because it is a continuous process and therefore requires heavy hormonal interference every single day (no phased pills or week off) and if a pill is missed or a bug means malabsorption, it would then take several months to be sure that nothing viable has made it into the ampullae.

Stopping the transit is currently available only by permanent vasectomy or condoms. There is a technique under research, called RISUG (vasalgel), which is a dissolvable block to the vas.

Th pill and the coil carry far less risk than a virtually irreversible elective surgery that has the very real risk of leaving my husband in pain and/or impotent for the rest of his life.

I can have a coil removed, I can stop taking the pill, I can't undo a vasectomy or repair any damage done.

Greenie that's not the case.

It's just the way a mans body works, and you really haven't a clue. Neither did I until my bollocks got wrecked, and I now know why.

If a man has no testes, then testosterone can only be given as a gel or as injections as it has to be absorbed through the muscles and fatty tissue, just like insulin for a diabetic. It can't be given as a tablet as it is destroyed by the stomach.

Testosterone gel is a nightmare too, especially if you have kids and a wife, you've got to be careful they don't come into contact with the skin where it is applied.

If you look into it, then the pill for a man really isn't going to work.

IKEA, hot saunas and tight pants won't work. I've tried all my life to smash my men bits to pieces as a cyclist, another myth, cycling doesn't reduce fertility.

Ah well, some very mis-informed folk in general on here about what can and can't be done to a blokes balls. See there is a reason why there are more options for women, blokes are seen as irresponsible because we have three options, condoms, chopped or no sex. I'd take the latter in hindsight.

Also I've never been expected to just "put up" with side effects. When I first started taking the pill when I was 19 I had a list of side effects so went to my GP. He prescribed me a different pill, same thing happened so I went back and we tried another. The third one did the trick, virtually no side effects other than I got spotty and irritable during my pill free week (which happens to me anyway during a period even when I'm not on the pill). My GP was happy to try trial and error until I found a contraceptive that suited me.

You can't do that with sterilisation, if sterilisation goes wrong you just have to put up with it.

I would think the risk of a vasectomy is probably less than the risk of pregnancy and birth that would likely happen if there isn't an effective contraceptive solution in place.

notNew selfish is not wanting to discuss contraceptive options and just leave it to the op to sort out. as op stated in her later post.

however I fully support her dh in not wanting surgery. no one should opt for any surgery to please anyone else. ridiculous notion.

I have to go back to my consultant next week to review my healing since the second operation.

As was said a few months ago by my consultant, if it's not better by the second appointment then it's not going to get better at all, and lo and behold, it's not any better. Feck.

I don't have any other options. Removal sounds great but the surgeon said you are likely to still be in pain due to nerves still being present. My only possible other option is denervation which I don't think is available in the UK where the nerves are severed within the groin by microsurgery. Down side is this I will lose all feeling down below.

It's pretty effing serious when you aren't even informed of these quite common problems of this surgery. The hospital were like 'shouldn't tell you this but we see loads of blokes coming in for additional surgery after the snip'. Really, doesn't surprise me now. The problem is, blokes don't talk about it, so it's hushed up, and the GPs performing the ops dont care as it's a nice £300 per 30 minutes work, as your own GP and Urology team pick up the pieces.

IKEA, just don't have sex, it's the best option then.

If you fella gets what I have you won't be getting any sex at all. Even just arrousal sparks off a chain reaction that leads to days of pain. I'm only ever relatively pain free if I've not been frisky for weeks and weeks. That's just the PVPS pain, and not the epididymectomy pain, as that's constant.

ikea seriously? the comments about saunas and tight pants are really rather facetious under the circumstances.

You say condoms make you a bit sore. Have you actually tried out ALL the various makes and types to find out whether you are allergic to latex or other substance? Your postings don't suggest you have and it seems foolish to not explore that option (which your DH would be quite happy to) and all other non-hormonal but more 'successful' means of contraception before start trying to force your DH to have surgery or seriously proposing the rhythm method.

The more I read this thread the more I don't really understand what you want, ikea

You sounds as though you do want more children. Therefore you don't want your DH to have a vasectomy. He doesn't want a vasectomy either.

Plus the 'solutions' you are offering to decrease your fertility are barely more than old wives tales, rather than actually seeing a GP and discussing all the non-hormonal, non-long term possibilities available to you such as a diaphragm or non-latex condoms.

Simple question - on a scale of 1-10, how much do you want other children?

op as you are pregnant now you have a while to work out these feelings.

good luck with type pregnancy but the person you really need good advice from is your GP or a contraceptive clinic.

if you are relying in cycling and right pants you may get baby no 3.

The Pill and the coil can have major side effects without warning in some women. I looked after a woman who had a stroke unexpectedly. She was told the only cause they could find was the pill. She had to use a wheelchair.

Yes, but it's not a point scoring exercise, is it, Grennie? No one has said there aren't side effects or risks. But half the problem is that the majority of people think there are pretty much no side effects or risks of a male vasectomy which is simply not true.

Of course it is not. The best contraceptive is simply to have sex that doesn't involve penetration. No risk there at all.

Breast feeding is only reliable if you are ebf at least every 4 hours, and only until baby is 6 months old. So if you have a good sleeper, or mix feed, it may work against you.

You can still have sex but without penetration

Yes, I know that, thanks.

Marriage, having children and deciding not to have more children should be mean you both take responsibility for what that entails not just the woman.

or in this case, not just the man.

Dp is nearly 40 and one of the reasons he doesn't want more children is that he doesn't want to become a parent after he turns 40 ( I'm not sure what he thinks happens on your 40th birthday) Well having not long hit 40, nothing magical happens, but it is his cut off point! I didn't want to get to 40 & be unexpectedly pregnant!

You seem quite scathing about his choice not to father any more children, op.

However nobody cares that women routinely suffer negative side effects from being on the pill. Women are expected to just put up with it. I don't think it has anything to do with not caring! The way male & females reproductive systems work, it is just easier to 'control' via hormonal methods, a woman's fertility at present.

If you want sex & don't want babies, you have options. I was low on options as I didn't want to take hormones for the rest of my reproductive life, I am allergic to latex & cannot find any latex free condoms here (Australia) and believe me, I LOOKED!! In every pharmacy, every sexual health clinic, I even tried adult shops. They don't stock them anywhere as they don't sell & if I wanted to order them in, I would need to buy 100s.

I don't want anymore children. Regardless of what happens between dh & I will not put my body through pregnancy again. He said that he thought that there is room in his life for more, but respects my choice. So I got sterilized! To that end, if something did happen & he wanted more children, he still has that option open to him.

Ah well, some very mis-informed folk in general on here about what can and can't be done to a blokes balls Yes, I agree. And they don't want to be informed as they want to believe that the procedure is THE way to go.

Thanks for sharing your experience, Fuzz. As I said, I researched into it, (vasectomy) and read a similar story to yours, which is what put me off & had me telling dh that he didn't have to do it. MY surgery was relatively straightforward. Recovered in a week.

Both Grenie and Fuzz have very valid points. I do believe women are expected to tolerate side effects from hormonal and other methods of contraception in a way a man never would be expected to. If temporary contraception is required for male dogs either an injection or an implant of deslorein can be used. Does the concept sound familiar? Testosterone and other hormones are lowered. As the unpleasant side effects of lower testosterone are not something it is thought men should be expected to tolerate the product has not been approved for use in human males for contraception. Deslorein is used in both sexes of human for other medical conditions though. Whats good for the goose is not necessarily what's good for the gander, and woman are still expected to tolerate what can be horrendous side effects of hormonal contraception. Luckily women can choose and for many the pill, implant etc is a great method. For others the effect can be catastrophic. I became highly aggressive and suicidal with hormonal contraception. For others it can just be a low grade malady/feeling unwell and its not realised how much an effect has been wrought until ttc and the pill is discontinued.

Although 2 wrongs don't make a right, reliance on the pill and the majority if womans willingness to put up with side effects has meant male contraception is not something investigated very seriously. This has done men and woman alike a great disservice. I do not believe men's reproductive systems are so simple, delicate, insert excuse as appropriate, that a good contraceptive for men is impossible to find. Fuzz has obviously suffered greatly and its a disgrace that he was provided with so much false or in fact no information. For example, in male dogs zinc glutamate has been shown to provide permanent effective contraception without recourse to surgery and without side effects. However until a genuine need is seen to exist I doubt it will be tested on humans, leaving men lime Fuzz and the OP in a difficult position.

If he would be "unmanned" by a vasectomy wouldn't you be "unwomaned" by having your tubes tied?

But yeah, if you want to have more kids and he doesn't, that is maybe something you need to work on.

Nobody gives male dogs contraception, they just chop their balls off !

Also if a 'male pill' was available, don't forget there is 3 months worth of 'supply' already in the plumbing, so it's not something that's going to happen 'suddenly, then there would be regular testing to see if a man did stop producing, and I can't see their partners being happy as it's very hit and miss. Like with women, if you are unwell, or miss a pill you are careful, but in the case of a man, you'd not know if a 'supply' has got into the pulmbing, and it might be a few months before you find out.

It is, unfortunately, much more complicated than that.

As a couple we discussed that I'd have the op. as my wife has other health issues which meant she didn't want to continue with the pill. Down side for her is she gets bad period pains following stopping. Nothing's perfect.

My biggest gripe, as you can imagine, is the lack of facts made about risks, and the denial that there are issues.

If your DH does get the procedure, and isn't as right as rain after two weeks maximum, then something is really wrong. I was even offered a three month anti-biotic course by my consultant, but I said, hang on, I've had antibiotics just after surgery, we are months down the line, you've tested for infections, I don't have any, so it's not an infection is it ? He agreed. Next was surgery again.

The risks of sterilisation in women are greater. It is a much more major operation.

What is the complication rate for female sterilisation?