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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect dp to be surgically sterilized rather than me?

208 replies

ikeaismylocal · 23/03/2014 20:19

Dp and I both have fertility issues, it took years and nearly IVF to conceive ds, we never thought we'd have to worry about contraception as it seemed impossible to get pregnant. As it turns out it was much easier to get pregnant with dc2, I'm currently pregnant despite not tracking ovulation and breastfeeding ds1.

We are starting to think about the future and the need for contraception, I'd love 4 children but dp only wants 2. I have a family history of blood clotting disorders and I have been advised not to take hormonal contraceptives.

We could use condoms although they make me a bit sore, we could use the rhythm method but that may not work.

The logical solution would be for one of us to be surgically sterilized. I feel that as I have had the physical strain of pregnancy, birth, post birth recovery and breastfeeding that dp should be the one to have an operation. I also feel that as I have a small dream of having more children I don't want to burn those fertility bridges so to speak.

Dp feels it would be wrong for him to have a vasectomy despite not wanting anymore children, he feels it would make him feel less of a man.

Aibu to think that if one of us is going to get sterilized it should be him?

OP posts:
WooWooOwl · 23/03/2014 20:41

If a man was trying to get a woman to do something she didn't want with her own body, like have a sterilisation, have an abortion or go through a pregnancy, there would be no end of people standing up for the woman's right to autonomy over her body.

This is pretty much the same thing.

EBearhug · 23/03/2014 20:41

I think if he's that determined that he definitely doesn't want more than 2 children, even if you split up for some reason, then if he has a vasectomy, he's making sure of that. It won't actually make him less of a man. Plenty of men have vasectomies, and it doesn't make them less of men. If you walk down the street, you can't tell which men have or haven't had the procedure. It doesn't come with a big V tattooed on the forehead.

Have you talked through the options with a doctor at all? Get the pros and cons of each, maybe consider other options you weren't aware of.

In the end, you can't force him, but I find it difficult to understand why he's so against it if he's determined not to have more children.

blanchedeveraux · 23/03/2014 20:41

I wanted my husband to get the snip but he flatly refused. I'd had 2 C Sections and 2 miscarriages so I thought it was his "turn" to do something. We were both very sure that we didn't want anymore DCs but he seemed to think getting sterilised was my responsibility. I tried all the other forms of contraception and didn't like any of them so bit the bullet and got my tubes tied. I had a really bad reaction to the anasthetic and lay there rambling incoherently with a very high temperature, I was in a lot of pain for about 3 weeks afterwards (felt like being kicked in the stomach by a horse tbh). It was a while ago now but I do remember feeling quite resentful about it all for some time afterwards.

NurseyWursey · 23/03/2014 20:44

I also feel that as I have a small dream of having more children I don't want to burn those fertility bridges so to speak

Hmm but you expect him to 'burn those bridges'. Whether he wants more with you is here nor there, he may feel the same as you if you were ever to split up.

It's completely normal and not 'pathetic' for a man to NOT want the snip. There are many other invasive things - albeit most a woman has to deal with but since you are part of a couple I don't feel this should be a problem.

NurseyWursey · 23/03/2014 20:45

And it's not a competition as to who's been through more to bring a baby into the world either - that can't be thrown in his face. That's pathetic.

EdithWeston · 23/03/2014 20:45

Vasectomy is never a "pay back" for the biological fact that only women can go through childbirth.

It is safer than female sterilisation (fail rate much lower) but it is still surgery, and a procedure which carries a 10% risk of the more serious complications (read the NHS choices page for more on what it's like if your DH is one of that 10%).

BobPatSamandIgglePiggle · 23/03/2014 20:48

albeit most a woman has to deal with but since you are part of a couple I don't feel this should be a problem

Why can't he deal with it, he is part of the couple too.

She's already said he doesn't want more children. At all.

Original poster
ikeaismylocal · 23/03/2014 20:48

I just had a look some info about coils, it says that they are not suitable for women who have an unusal shaped uterus or fibroids, I have a heart shaped uterus and multiple fibroids bloody miracle I ever produced a baby so it loos like that isn't an option.

I'd be happy to risk the rythem method, finacially a 3rd dc would not be a disaster and I'm pretty confident about my fertile times from all the time spent ttc.

OP posts:
NurseyWursey · 23/03/2014 20:49

bobpat You missed the bit were I said there are less invasive ways, which only a woman can have unfortunately.

aermingers · 23/03/2014 20:50

Don't do it. Sorry, I have seen too many times one half of a couple bully the other into having sterilisation/vasectomy then 6 months down the line walk out and start a family elsewhere leaving their partner unable to do the same.

If you feel that you may at some point want more children in some circumstances then just don't do it. With the best will in the world we don't know what the future holds and it can throw up a hell of a lot of surprises.

Just off the top of my head I can name three couples where this scenario has happened. It has been men and women I've seen this happen to. In at least one case it was because the person doing the pressuring knew that they may not stick around and wanted to keep their options open of having another family future which was exactly why they were reluctant to do it. Honestly I think this is often in the back of people's head in such cases and would advise extreme wariness. It can be a way of exerting pre-emptive control of making sure you can't have kids with anyone else if they leave too.

wrapsuperstar · 23/03/2014 20:51

My DH had the snip after our first baby, we arranged it while I was (unwittingly) pregnant with #2. I am 11 years younger than him, still in my twenties and he didn't want to see me have to tussle with contraception for many many years to come. It was his suggestion and, in both our minds, a fair one especially as the female equivalent is a little more invasive. He was fortunate to heal very quickly and didn't even need one day off work.

That said, I couldn't and wouldn't have ever tried to compel him to have any surgery he didn't want, and nor can you with your husband. However, if his only reason for wanting to avoid it and thus put you through potentially decades of essentially having sole charge of contraception is because he'd feel 'less of a man', I have to say I don't have much sympathy for him. You also need to address your issue of wanting to keep your personal fertility options open when you have presumably chosen this man for life.

Cotherstone · 23/03/2014 20:51

You really need to have a good look into the diaphragm!

aermingers · 23/03/2014 20:52

Incidentally the most effective method of contraception is no sex. If you were to point this out to him he may become more amenable to the idea of a vasectomy.

BobPatSamandIgglePiggle · 23/03/2014 20:52

But most of those ways don't suit this particular woman
. And there isn't just a woman in this relationship. And it's him that feels the need to have contraception in place, not her.

NurseyWursey · 23/03/2014 20:53

Incidentally the most effective method of contraception is no sex. If you were to point this out to him he may become more amenable to the idea of a vasectomy.

So basically withhold sex. That's mature Hmm Bullying someone into having SURGERY they don't want. Imagine if a man did this? Oh god forbid.

And you're also implying sex is only something a man wants

Famzilla · 23/03/2014 20:54

I don't think anyone should be forced, coerced, blackmailed or bribed into doing something they do not want to do with their own body. Regardless of the reasons.

NurseyWursey · 23/03/2014 20:54

^But most of those ways don't suit this particular woman
. And there isn't just a woman in this relationship. And it's him that feels the need to have contraception in place, not her^

And surgery doesn't fit him either. I'd rather have to put up with something that can be reversed and easily implemented rather than force my DP into having a surgical procedure he didn't want.

FudgefaceMcZ · 23/03/2014 20:56

YANBU at all. Men who actually care about women but don't want (more) children get a vasectomy because it is far less invasive than female sterilization and carries far fewer side effects than any form of female contraception (even the copper coil causes heavy periods, which can lead to anaemia). Also women who are not misogynist twats support men to do this rather than make excuses for them wanting to force women to suffer more, so feel free to ignore such tossers on here- they just hate women.

Cotherstone · 23/03/2014 20:56

No, no, it's not bullying if a woman does it...

Hmm

Sometimes I think some women truly believe there was a meeting several millenia ago where the first males of the first species decided that they wouldn't have babies, women would, and every man since then has been taken aside at the age of 11 and signed the same agreement. It's all one massive conspiracy and men are continuing to not physically have children deliberately...

Original poster
ikeaismylocal · 23/03/2014 20:59

You really need to have a good look into the diaphragm! This looks like a really good idea, I will speak with my gynecologist after my baby is born.

I guess we should just make the most of the natural contraception that pregnancy gives, having 2 babies under 2 probably won't leave much time for sex anyway ;)

OP posts:
BobPatSamandIgglePiggle · 23/03/2014 21:00

And surgery doesn't fit him either. I'd rather have to put up with something that can be reversed and easily implemented rather than force my DP into having a surgical procedure he didn't want

Why should she put up with something painful (condoms rubbing etc) though? She doesn't necessarily want to prevent fertility - only he does. Why should he get what he wants at a cost to only her?

NurseyWursey · 23/03/2014 21:01

Also women who are not misogynist twats support men to do this rather than make excuses for them wanting to force women to suffer more, so feel free to ignore such tossers on here- they just hate women.

What a load of ignorant drivel.

BoomBoomsCousin · 23/03/2014 21:01

I'd be reluctant to sort out contraception and might suggest activities other than intercourse if he waved condoms about. But then it's easy to suggest high stakes game plays online. Certainly, if I were in your situation OP I think I would lose a lot of respect for him.

InsertAwesomeNickname · 23/03/2014 21:03

OP I'm surprised you two are even talking about sterilisation when you haven't even looked into other methods of contraception. You cannot make the decision for your partner to be sterilized the same as he cannot make the decision for you to be. Get booked in with your GP and explore your options.

NurseyWursey · 23/03/2014 21:04

Why should she put up with something painful (condoms rubbing etc) though? She doesn't necessarily want to prevent fertility - only he does. Why should he get what he wants at a cost to only her?

Condoms is out of the question (which is painful for both of them by the way according to the OP) but there are other methods.

Methods that do not require surgery. Methods that are irreversible should they change their mind - either as a couple together or as a couple with someone else.

Why should the OP be the only part of the couple able to think about having children in the future - and I'm assuming she meant with someone else from her post too.

I'd be saying exactly the same if it were men who were able to have injections, the pill etc. Unfortunately science hasn't created those methods yet so we have to live with what we have.