to expect dp to be surgically sterilized rather than me?

[ikeaismylocal]

Dp and I both have fertility issues, it took years and nearly IVF to conceive ds, we never thought we'd have to worry about contraception as it seemed impossible to get pregnant. As it turns out it was much easier to get pregnant with dc2, I'm currently pregnant despite not tracking ovulation and breastfeeding ds1.

We are starting to think about the future and the need for contraception, I'd love 4 children but dp only wants 2. I have a family history of blood clotting disorders and I have been advised not to take hormonal contraceptives.

We could use condoms although they make me a bit sore, we could use the rhythm method but that may not work.

The logical solution would be for one of us to be surgically sterilized. I feel that as I have had the physical strain of pregnancy, birth, post birth recovery and breastfeeding that dp should be the one to have an operation. I also feel that as I have a small dream of having more children I don't want to burn those fertility bridges so to speak.

Dp feels it would be wrong for him to have a vasectomy despite not wanting anymore children, he feels it would make him feel less of a man.

Aibu to think that if one of us is going to get sterilized it should be him?

Neither partner should have surgery if they don't want it.

Exactly. And neither one should ask the other to do something they are not prepared to do themselves.

The problem with either operation.

1 Female - well known side effects and considered more invasive surgery. Facts given to patient. Expensive procedure too. Some GP's not willing to offer option (probablty costs)

2 Male - side effects never mentioned. Cheap as chips to do. If it goes righ then super, but the 1 in 10 for which it goes wrong is you are up the river with no padle - there is no solution for this other than reversal, which puts you at square 1.

Despite 'volunteering' for this, it's the most stupid decision I've ever made.

I've put in an official complaint so that couples are given the correct information before a decision is made. My wife wasn't involved at any point, other than the shove out the door to go to the GP to get booked in, then driving me to the butcher. The GP's didn't involve her.

Issue also is the OP and her partner probably haven't researched the problems of vasectomy and or female sterilisation, hence her and his reactions being rather shallow, and you are only getting one side of the story from her.

My advice, fully research all options, discuss, then weigh up the acceptable choices for both partners.

I hate this 'I have done my bit, he'll have to do his'. Surely all is equal in marriage & isn't a 'it's your turn now' thing! Certainly isn't in mine.

Balancing risk between you is one of the ways you make things equal in a marriage. You can't have an equal marriage if all the responsibility falls one way (I'm not saying it does in your marriage, I'm saying that's what people are talking about when they talk about it being the other person's "turn").

I'll also add the 'operations' have lost me about 9-10 weeks in work - four for the first one, five for the second, and numerous other days.

I'm sort of lucky that my employer has been OK (ish) with it. Others may not be so lucky, or may be self employed. Look on upto two weeks out of 'action' normally. Some are OK in a few days, but if your job is strenuous, be careful.

the fuzz your experience sounds shocking, I'm sorry you had such a difficult experience, I had no idea things could go so wrong.

estrelitta I will buy that book, thanks for the tip! I am pretty good at tracking my cycles as I did this for years whilst ttc, I don't have regular cycles which is anoying as if I knew I ovulated on day 15 for example it would be easier to avoid. Pre ttc we used a rythem method which was basically me guessing when I wasn't fertile, it seemed to work but we didn't get pregnant easilly when ttc so it may well have just been our crap quality egg and sperm that was preventing us getting pregnant.

I hate this 'I have done my bit, he'll have to do his'. Surely all is equal in marriage & isn't a 'it's your turn now' thing! The thing is that a relationship between a man and woman can't be equal in terms of the physical burden of contraception/pregnancy/childbirth because women and men are by nature different. i think that the risk of a vasecoctomy are probably lower than the risks of pregnancy/birth and I don't think that the pain and inconveinience of a normal without issue vasectomy is a fraction of the pain and inconveinience of a normal pregnancy and birth.

Hopefully the time will come when there is a male pill!

FraidyCat : Sex with a condom is different to sex without. With a condom, you basically have a rod thrusting in and out of your vagina. Without a condom, the natural function of the foreskin, and extra skin on the penis is engaged - the penis rolls in and out of itself a fair bit. So, the sensation and amount of friction is quite different. Also, people can be sensitive to the condom material. And the smell can be off-putting, as can the pause to put it on, and various other things that make the woman less aroused and therefore the sex less pleasurable. This is not an exhaustive list, but I hope it helps your understanding of why condoms can be uncomfortable/make sex less pleasurable for man or woman?

As for the OP: neither partner should pressure the other into anything, least of all an invasive surgery. You'll need to communicate together and come up with something else, perhaps rhythm combined with diaphragm?

FraidyCat: see www.circumstitions.com/Works.html for a visual on the forskin in action, an action that is lost with condoms.

OP - Yes, traditional rhythm methods that involve counting and guessing are notoriously fallible - failure rate of around 50% I believe. Fertility Awareness Method (FAM) is different. There is no counting, no guessing, you will know your fertile days whether you ovulate on day 10, day 14, day 20 or day 40. Regular cycles are more predictable, but if you chart then you will be certain, even with an irregular cycle. It takes about 5-10 minutes a day. I have used this method for both ttc and contraception as I can't take hormonal birth control and had very painful, heavy periods with the non hormonal coil. Here's a link to the website, I'd definitely recommend getting the book too. www.tcoyf.com/

It may be different for the man a bit. But sex feels no different to me whether we use a condom or not and my partner is uncircumcised. I think worrying about it being a tiny bit different is what causes so many unplanned pregnancies and high STD rates.

So this guy knows you'd like more children, and he doesn't want any, but he has no intention of doing anything to stop himself impregnating you? What a bright spark. Maybe after baby number three a vasectomy will start to look more appealing?

You should tell him you would feel less of a woman.

I would never be sterilised and i would never ask DH to be. I think it is too final, for anyone.

Both DH and i take care of our own fertility. I have a coil (when not pregnant as i am now) and DH uses condoms.

OP, which variation of rhythm method do you use? The most reliable ones involve temperature checking, plus checking of cervical position and mucous. You chart your cycle every day based on all three fertility signs. Then you also give yourself a generous window pre and post ovulation as sperm can live for several days in utero. Basically you've got about a week every month where you have to abstain or use a barrier method. When practiced correctly the failure rate is about 10%, more than hormonal contraception but less than condoms. There's a book / website called Taking Charge of Your Fertility which is an excellent resource.

Yeah, but the big downside is (IMO) that the week where you have to abstain is the week where you're absolutely gagging for it, and if you have problems using barrier contraceptives... Still, not everyone is like me.

So Livvy, out of interest what would happen if you just used nothing and told him to either use a condom or risk you being pregnant?

itsbetterthanabox: It feels different to me.

Imo the person who is saying "no more kids" should be the one to get done. In this case (and Livvy's) it should be the husband. If the OP was saying "no more" then she should have it done.

If you are both agreed then it should be whoever is willing, or whoever it would affect less (sorry chaps, you will always lose the tie breaker!).

I get really fucking angry when people say they dont want more kids but then expect the other partner to deal with the contraception. to the OP and Livvy I would say that you should tell them that if they dont want more kids then they have to sort out the contraception as you are not doing it.

I rather suspect that that will focus their attention, especially if that means no sex!

I know plenty of men who just aren't that bothered about sex that much. Happy to have it, but not bothered if they don't. I think if they were given the ultimatum of the snip or no sex, they'd probably opt for the no sex. Where does that leave the partner? Should she have it done because she wants sex? possibly. I don't know.

I certainly would not think of the diaphragm as a definite option. It has a high failure rate and an even higher rate of women who find that the essential spermicide causes severe cystitis. It seemed perfect initially and then I have never been in such agony.

I can't take hormonal contraception and I'm the wrong shape for a coil. Yet all responsibility for contraception must fall on my shoulders.

I think part of the problem is the pill being heralded as some amazing cure all with no side effects. I thought it was all fine as my problems built up slowly and it was not until I came off it that I realised how shit I had been feeling. I think it is like boiling a frog in water as it happens so slowly. Many friends have come off the pill and considered it remarkable how much better they feel. I'd never take the pill again.

Don't get sterilised OP and at the same time don't push him to get the snip, we are all in charge of our own bodies. But be clear that if you do get pregnant he better not even consider trying to guilt you into having a 'little operation'. Unfortunately I've found that many men who think that contraception is solely a woman's responsibility as they don't want to mess with their own bodies suddenly become very vocal about what they perceive to be their rights over womens bodies when she becomes pregnant.

Livvy just don't deal with contraception, it bothers him then he can sort it out and stop being a twat. Is he one of those cunts that just bleats about why can't you take artificial hormones that make you feel crap for the rest of your fertile days so he doesn't lose a little sensitivity through condoms?

Sterilisation is a much bigger operation on a woman. But he also has the right not to have surgery he doesn't want.

The obvious solution is to have sex that doesn't involve penetration with penis. That way there is no issue at all about contraception.

Issue also is the OP and her partner probably haven't researched the problems of vasectomy and or female sterilisation

Exactly!! Lots of people don't research, and think it is simple & side effect free. because they have heard of anyone having issues, they don't see that their can be issues post op.

I researched it & didn't push my dh because, as I said before, he is huge issue with all things medical & there are horrible side effects that would = more time in hospital. He had just come out the other side of years of anxiety & I couldn't put him in a position where something I demanded of him put him back there.

But differentnameforthis he doesn't want to because he would feel less of a man

And the op doesn't want it done because she feels she has done her bit...both equally pathetic, since marriage isn't about my turn your turn!!

I can't help but feels he is very immature for this!

No one is immature for not wanting surgery on any part of their body! Some surgery can go wrong. As TheFuzz attests to below.

It's pretty immature stamping when women stamp their feet & whale 'it's your turn'

It's not like cooking, or taking the bins out, or hoovering. It's surgery!!