Words you don't want to hear when stuck in an awkward position.

[2kidsintow]

"Oops, I've just popped a vein there!"
While being injected with dye while lying strapped into the MRI machine table.

Urgh. Hurt too and is going to leave an impressive bruise.

OMG Juan .....!!!!!!!

Littlelady, I assume you were too exhausted to punch her?

I have to apologise on behalf of the whole theatre team to the lady who, upon opening her uterus during a c section, spurt forth a two foot high fountain of liquor onto the surgeons assistant.

The cry of "WOAH" followed by giggling from every staff member must have been pretty alarming before we explained.

'I've shown your placenta to all the trainee midwives and doctors. None of us have ever seen one like that before.'

Seconds after DS was born, just as they handed him to me for a cuddle 'dont worry, its not his blood' (episiotomy so he was covered)

I had been haviing extraordinary pain after my episiotomy following a forceps birth, turns out they'd trapped a nerve when sewing me up. Nice. It was quite deep inside my vaginaSon the right, not easy to gt to. So, I went in to have cortisone injected into it. I was in one of four beds next to the birthing room where I'd had ds, thee little beds ate used for monitoring etc when you have problems or are overdue. Quite a bit of traffic coming and going. Anyway, senior gynae comes along with chief midwife and another midwife. Inject me once,inject me again... then just wander off, curtain wide open. I sat up bewildered, saw the bottom of my bed covered in blood, and grabbed a towel to protect my dignity. Freaked me the fuck out. Obviously the hcps had gone to change their clothes after I'd squirted them with blood.
They wandered back in and finished the job, didn't explain anything.

While being sewn up after a tear when giving birth to DD2 I realised why the lady looked familiar. She was a fellow Mum from school and chair of the PTA.

In hospital awaiting 2nd ERPC following second missed m/c Consultant came in to see me and said "you're the lady aborting twins "
Me shocked replies "No I wanted my babies I had IVF , starts crying a lot"
Consultant "Ivf- was it a free cycle or did you pay "

Wished I decked her.

Jesus Beat that's fucking disgraceful. what a grade A bitch.

Nunquamnonparatus I'm so sorry, that must've been a really awful experience for you.

I also have a not very funny one. I was in the waiting room full of women wearing nothing but gowns and big hospital knickers all waiting for surgical terminations - for various reasons I assume. The atmosphere was horrific.

Along comes a woman (nurse perhaps) - she stops one of the consultants and after a brief chat says to him "so when are you going to settle down and have children?". Standing right in front of us all. I wish to this day I had made a complaint about that. It seems some people in the medical profession just become completely desensitized and blinded to their patients feelings.

'I’ll never get that mark off my shoes!' – said by midwife who’d just attempted to attach a monitor to the crown of DD’s head during early labour and been soaked from head to toe by a tsunami of liquid as my waters broke.....

She later informed me that, 'I even had to change my bra and knickers'....

"Don't worry, those aren't horns on baby's head. That's just something we have cut through there...."

Thank god it was just an ultrasound!

After having her first baby a friend in the US was told, "You didn't tear but I gave you a couple of stitches anyway. Your husband can thank me later."

Just as I was going under anesthetic "So young for a mastectomy.." I was having a lumpectomy.

A slightly scary one...

Post birth with DD1, I had slipped into semi unconsciousness and vaguely remember feeling the midwife trying to pull out the placenta by pulling on the cord, which kept snapping (a REALLY weird feeling!)

Then there was a big gush of blood, then started bleeding profusely... I remember the midwife saying in an exasperated voice... "This is the third one this week!"

Tex that's appalling, what did your friend say??

During a stretch and sweep with my first baby.

The midwife, mid sweep said "you have very tight pelvic floors, you're going to need to push hard."

She was right, I couldn't get him out, had a c section, followed by a vbac with my second baby. Pelvic floor destroyed!

"You have a pretty cervix." Said by a female GP during an internal exam.

Erm...

In labour, 10cm dilated and involuntarily pushing - the student midwife and auxiliary nurse stepped out of the room and had a conversation about how the midwives were stuck in traffic/had broken down

And what were they going to do?

I wanted to shout that it wasn't a fucking magic sound proof curtain between us! Fortunately, about 5 minutes later midwife ran into the room and delivered DS.

Whilst in an MRI machine, I registered another noise blaring over the noise of the machine.

A voice from outside said 'That's the fire alarm. Do you mind if we keep going, don't worry if the room fills with smoke we'll come and get you!'

After my heisitant agreement I lay in silence for the 15 minutes my MRI took to finish. The alarm kept going throughout as I lay there unable to escape!

My first smear after having ds1 the nurse said ooo they made a right mess you down here haven't they?!!(forceps and episioptomy)

Being stitched up after dd "blimey, how did something so little cause so much damage?"

Dd was born with her hand up by her face. Think she tore the entire length of my vaginal canal!

After a particularly bad night with my dd on neonatal, me and hubby went back to ward to try and get some rest, the midwife asked what time she had died :( we had left her two minutes before alive but not well but I shit myself and made them ring down and check she hadn't just died.

Cheesesticks!