Words you don't want to hear when stuck in an awkward position.

[2kidsintow]

"Oops, I've just popped a vein there!"
While being injected with dye while lying strapped into the MRI machine table.

Urgh. Hurt too and is going to leave an impressive bruise.

[KatyN]

Pre smear chit chat with the the nurse I said I'd been at the surgery for several years and I thought she had done my previous smear.
5 minutes later in the 'act' she says 'oh yes recognise you now'

Oh

[2kidsintow]

Reminds me of the consultant that nonchalantly and without any preamble, told my uncle that if the medication didn't work, they'd amputate his leg.

[mrssprout]

I was 19, literally had my hand on the door handle about to walk out of the office after a 1st appointment with my first adult (not kids hospital) cardiologist when he says....."oh by the way you have been told if you get pregnant you will die haven't you".......so I say "no I hadn't".........he replies "well you will. See you in 12 months" as he ushers me out the door

[ElloGuvnor]

"Well, let's deliver this baby then" said by grumpy battleaxe type midwife, entering the room and mistaking me for someone else after I was referred to EPU for bleeding at 13 weeks. Erm not just yet thanks!

[spiderlight]

'Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit!' the driver of a bus I was on with DS as we hit a massive speed-bump that he'd seen way too late to slow down for, becoming completely airborne for long enough for an old lady at the back of the bus to shout 'Wheeeeeee!' It was fine but it could have ended very badly!

[aworkingmummy]

During my c-section surgeon saying

"Can I have a sharp scalpel please - this one is blunt and is just tearing not cutting"

Good job I couldn't see!

[mermaidbutmytailfelloff]

I was having a mammogram assisted biopsy, so my poor left boob was squashed in a mammogram plate which had a hole in it. Lots of faffing about (please relax they said. Relax????) anyway they tried a couple of times to position the plate and the hole, then to get the needle in. After a while she pulled the needle out and said "there is nothing in this, I hope we havent gone through the other side". Then they looked to see.

I meanwhile was contemplating jumping out of the window, but realised I was still clamped in the bloody machine.

[SelectAUserName]

Some of these are horrific. Don't HCPs think before they open their mouths?

Mine pale into insignificance in comparison, but I had a nurse tell me my cervix was "very small. VERY small" in tones of severe disapproval during a smear. I'm not quite sure what I was supposed to do to make it bigger?

The only other one I can recall was while having an x-ray on my knees a few years ago. Radiologist womanhandled me into an unnatural position - think shins practically bending upwards from the knee. Her assistant took one look at my face and said "I think you're hurting her". Radiologist replied (with a loud sigh/tut) "well I don't know what she expects if she wants us to find out what's wrong". Well for starters, given that I was referred for an x-ray because of extreme knee pain, I'd quite like you NOT to make it a thousand times worse by bending my knees in a direction nature never meant them to go!

[ebwy]

post brain-haemorrhage.
strapped down, unable to move, waiting for my cranial angiogram...

nurse says "I'm just getting the tubes ready to go in you" and wanders off out of view, comes back carrying a tube longer than I am....
someone else (didn't see who) says "for god's sake, don't let the patient see that, if her blood pressure gets any higher she'll pop again!"
I replied "I'm crippled not deaf, thank you!"

[2kidsintow]

Oooo... starfish. A small wee? Is that possible in that situation?

[starfishmummy]

Having my amniocentis. At my dating scan I had been sent but to drink more due to my bladder not being fulll enough so I had been drinking lots. I was bursting!!
Consultant says my bladder is a bit full and could I just do a small wee!!

In fact I was so nervous I could scarcely go and did just let a small amount out!!

[charliefoxtrot]

Oh wow, this thread is both hilarious and horrifying!

I had an ectopic pregnancy and one of my fallopian tubes was removed. 2 yrs later I had DS by caesarean. After he was delivered, the surgeon said to me, 'we're just having a bit of a tidy up down here and I can't find your left ovary. Are you sure it wasn't removed?' I said I was sure it was still there. She looked at me expectantly and said 'well, we can't seem to find it. Any idea where it might be?'. To this day, I still don't know what answer she was expecting to that question.

[notso]

Midwife when I was having DD, "if you reach down you can touch your baby's head"
I reach down tentatively and say "oh, it's got loads of hair"
Midwife "no dear, that's your pubes"

Me shortly shortly after delivering DS1 still delivering the placenta "can you turn that tap off it's really noisy"
Midwife legging it towards the door "it's not water love, that's your blood gushing onto the floor, just need to get someone"

Me on the phone to the labour ward after a massive contraction I knew the baby was coming soon "I need to come in now, this is my fourth baby and..." (Was about to say my third labour was only 40 mins)
Midwife cutting me off "if it's your fourth then you'll know your not in labour if contractions are 10mins apart, goodbye"
DS was born 10 mins later delivered mostly by DH.

Later in hospital I was in shock shaking uncontrollably, crying and vomiting the same Midwife said "well the good news is you can go home now"
I hadn't even been able to hold him.

[2kidsintow]

Cheesesticks!

[Cheesesticks]

After a particularly bad night with my dd on neonatal, me and hubby went back to ward to try and get some rest, the midwife asked what time she had died :( we had left her two minutes before alive but not well but I shit myself and made them ring down and check she hadn't just died.

[PickleMobile]

Being stitched up after dd "blimey, how did something so little cause so much damage?"

Dd was born with her hand up by her face. Think she tore the entire length of my vaginal canal!

[vikingpooboat]

My first smear after having ds1 the nurse said ooo they made a right mess you down here haven't they?!!(forceps and episioptomy)

[Coffeethrowtrampbitch]

Whilst in an MRI machine, I registered another noise blaring over the noise of the machine.

A voice from outside said 'That's the fire alarm. Do you mind if we keep going, don't worry if the room fills with smoke we'll come and get you!'

After my heisitant agreement I lay in silence for the 15 minutes my MRI took to finish. The alarm kept going throughout as I lay there unable to escape!

[BurnThisDiscoDown]

And what were they going to do?

I wanted to shout that it wasn't a fucking magic sound proof curtain between us! Fortunately, about 5 minutes later midwife ran into the room and delivered DS.

[BurnThisDiscoDown]

In labour, 10cm dilated and involuntarily pushing - the student midwife and auxiliary nurse stepped out of the room and had a conversation about how the midwives were stuck in traffic/had broken down

[JennyCalendar]

"You have a pretty cervix." Said by a female GP during an internal exam.

Erm...

[Sharptic]

During a stretch and sweep with my first baby.

The midwife, mid sweep said "you have very tight pelvic floors, you're going to need to push hard."

She was right, I couldn't get him out, had a c section, followed by a vbac with my second baby. Pelvic floor destroyed!

[GiraffesAndButterflies]

Tex that's appalling, what did your friend say??

[2kidsintow]

A slightly scary one...

Post birth with DD1, I had slipped into semi unconsciousness and vaguely remember feeling the midwife trying to pull out the placenta by pulling on the cord, which kept snapping (a REALLY weird feeling!)

Then there was a big gush of blood, then started bleeding profusely... I remember the midwife saying in an exasperated voice... "This is the third one this week!"

[Tex111]

After having her first baby a friend in the US was told, "You didn't tear but I gave you a couple of stitches anyway. Your husband can thank me later."

Just as I was going under anesthetic "So young for a mastectomy.." I was having a lumpectomy.