Words you don't want to hear when stuck in an awkward position.

[2kidsintow]

"Oops, I've just popped a vein there!"
While being injected with dye while lying strapped into the MRI machine table.

Urgh. Hurt too and is going to leave an impressive bruise.

"Haven't we got a sharp one?"

Section with ds2. Opened up then 'quick call the consultant' 'where is he' 'I don't know' 'well he needs to get here quickly'

I was lying there saying - er hellooooo

Then after ds2 was born

'He needs to go to scbu'
'There's no beds'
'Oh well he'll be okay on the ward then'

Having an examination down below regarding enlarged bits at age 19 or so.. GP was shocked/horrified - 'Oh God.. Erm.. Have you always looked like that then? That's .. extreme. Wow.'

Same GP post surgery admitted she had hardly concentrated all day when I had an appointment in the afternoon, barely said two sentences before asking if she could have a look. Wasn't quite sure how to react when she did look and said that I had 'beautiful labia'. I think it was a compliment.

During a smear...
"Oooo yes, mmmmmm, that's lovely!"

Please - no - just don't talk!

"Just don't look down a minute" - while my blood test had leaked all over the pillow I was resting on. Great bruise from that too.

I didn't see or hear this, but apparently when I was giving birth the midwife tried to run my birthmark off. She cleat thought it was a grubby mark and my husband saw her try to rub it off.

One of the midwives whilst trying to put in the oxytocin needle thing for the induction:

'I'm not very good at this. I give myself just one go then I call in the professionals!'

(It took 4 goes in the end - 1 with the midwife, then a doctor tried twice, then the anaesthetist. I was covered in bruises and very nervous about the induction.)

Me: I've had this painful health condition for many years and I now am resigned to living with it.

Young Consultant: Oh a lot of people would commit suicide in your position.

Me: Really?

Young Consultant: Oh yes, its quite common.

Me:

Get someone in here now

Whilst in labour with dd whose heartbeat had dropped to almost nothing.

Frightened me into pushing her out fecking quickly though and she'd been resuscitated by the time 'someone' turned up.

more that's such an unpleasant and inappropriate thing to say! I hope you're okay

.......whilst haemorraging after DS's birth...

Me;"Where's all the blood coming from?"

Doctor;"I don't actually know..."

good job I was off my face on drugs!

you look like shit
said during ward round the morning after I had dc. pph and no sleep does that to you

...during an internal scan....

Doctor; "you're very photogenic...."

..there's no answer to that!!

......during an internal scan too......

Scan man...."I don't normally do this'

......me lying there thinking please don't tell me you're a dentist or something..

(I clarified. He normally did livers, not gynae ..)

"Ooh mummy you're very bendy" whilst in a very awkward position with dh.

Tube down throat, consultant says to nurse " How can one so young...."

She said " Maybe she hasn't been diagnosed yet"...

With what With whaaaaat

A midwife had 4 goes at inserting my coil then gave up and said I'd have to come back for the doctor to do it. I was worried as I thought I midwife would be more experienced at finding my cervix. Whatever the reason the doc managed it.

A friend of mine when being stitched after her ds2
"Whoever stitched you last time obviously hasn't seen one without a baby coming through it"!

I had to have surgery and had been waiting all day as an emergency took priority. I eventually went up to theatre about 9pm. As I was being given the anaesthetic I heard the surgeon say " I hope this is the last one. I'm so tired I can't see straight."

Spinal anaesthetic, C-section and they are just about to pull my daughter out.

Anaesthetist shouts "Stop, stop!! Who has their foot on the bed pedal?!"

The operating table was slowly but surely tilting downwards towards my feet and I was feeling myself sliding off.

TBH I think I was glad to hear him shout that rather than me just slide off onto the floor with my belly sliced open!!

oh such fun!

20 week scan with dd1.
Oh my god, what the hell is that. It's so big I can't see it all on the screen.

Cheers how the fuck I didn't miscarry through stress I'll never know.

looks from whole team and then "are you parents related to each other?" while having a colonoscopy. I'd seen the tumour too so knew why they were freaked out but not exactly reassuring

When in the middle of a smear the nurse looks up and asked if I had ever thought about going on a diet. Humiliating and inappropriate timing!

'Can my students come and have a look at you, we've never seen this before it's so rare'

Followed by 'can I touch your face... ooo it crackles!'

I had subcutaneous emphysema following a rupture oesophagus. Apparently I'm now 'patient x' in someone's thesis

A friend of mine, in labour, told by her consultant 'We're going to have to go in James Herriot style'
What the fuck ...

Amazingly when she told me this it actually sounded like they'd quite liked the consultant. She must have been bloody amazing to make up for a comment like that.

Midwife: "Is it ok if I do this episiotomy? I've never done one before"
Me: (not wanting to offend) "Yes of course"
To be fair it was fine though, and I suppose she would have been wrong not to tell me