Words you don't want to hear when stuck in an awkward position.

[2kidsintow]

"Oops, I've just popped a vein there!"
While being injected with dye while lying strapped into the MRI machine table.

Urgh. Hurt too and is going to leave an impressive bruise.

Whilst trying (and failing) to top up my epidural, prior to my c-section. "I don't know what to do. Your spine has gone all mushy".

Ah Cotherstone methinks you may be local going by your nn.

"That's not a head!"

Swiftly followed by; "too late for a c section, you'll have to push him out."

This was the moment we found out we were having a DS...

"Oops"

Said by the surgeon during my c section

When I had ds1 I went to hospital when my waters broke. I think his head must have moved to block the escape of any more as the midwife informed me that she didn't think my waters were gone so she would examine me. She moved his head and got soaked.

Same birth student midwife was examining me and informed me that she could hear two heartbeats. The MW quickly said "no that's just an echo", it took dh a while to recover.

ohwhatfuckery, when I first started reading your post I thought you were going to say there was something local to you that happened to cause smelly waters!!!

The name doesn't come from a place though so I suspect we're not. Though I'm now curious!

Brilliant thread. Mine: during recent smear, the nurse asked ''HOW many children have you had?!'' (2 thanks v much)

Registrar prior to renal surgery: So it's the left side? No, right.... Ha ha, we have been known to get the wrong side. Ha.

Me:

Consultant, prior to cystoscopy: Now, I'll just talk you through this. You'll have to take your knickers off. Many ladies find it quite embarrassing.

Me:

You didn't deliver my MCMA twins did you Fruli? If not, you aren't the only person to have said that!

RahRahRasputin - thankyou, but he's fine :)

He was in the NICU for a few days, but he's nearly 8 now. He had such a poor start (problems diagnosed in utero that we thought might mean he'd need dialysis or a kidney transplant or might be indicators of another problem, I had Group B Strep so they were worried he'd have that as my waters broke 6 days before he was born and then stopping breathing which they said could have cause problems in later life), but apart from a small scar from his op you wouldn't know anything about it. A miracle really. :)

'Oh dear. It's gone in in the wrong place. There shouldn't be that much blood in the fluid'...

said the anaesthetist whilst putting in my epidural.

Another one from giving birth to ds1...

'Right, quick Sue, I need another tray for the blood, this one's full'...

...said by the person hovering between my legs (my legs were over the end of the bed). Sue then appeared with what looked like a large casserole tin, about 5 inches deep.

Um, excuse me? Full? Scared the shit out of me.

MW tp another MW during shift handover, whilst in labour with DS "I thought she'd died"

While having a smear test, "Did you have a c section?"

Thanks for that nurse, what a first time that was.

This is from my mum

Mum is 4ft11 and the year is 1972. She is in labour with my little brother who is breech.

It's gone midnight and she is knackered. Doc sits on her bed and yawns. Then asks her what size feet she has.

Mum replies I am having a bloody baby not sitting in Clark's!

Apparently size of feet related to size of pelvis ( don't know if that's true )

She has size 5 feet and gave birth with forceps to a 8.5lb breech baby - pelvis like the fucking tardis.

I have a sex one:)

Me- wtf are you doing?
Him- think of it as yoga
Me- ( seconds later) it's not orgasm, my muscles are going into spasm.
Him - really?
Me- yes! Get the fuck off me!

The worst thing for me was when a GP was giving my DD her 6 week examination.

When he got to to examining down below he turned and said to me 'Don't worry, I am not a paedophile'

I was shocked as the thought never crossed my mind.

A midwife once told me I had perfect shaped boobs when helping my breastfeed

Mine was led on the operating table for my CS with my DC2, midwife at the head end talking me through what was going on as I was now nicely numb, I was told 'they'll just check the anaesthetic and then we'll bring DH in' then I heard 'well that's one way to check the anaesthetic' closely followed by her rushing out to get DH and I heard her telling him 'just don't look at what they're doing' as he walked passed my sliced open stomach to my head. To his credit, even his eyes didn't venture that way, probably for the best!

I was also told to hold still while in full on pushing labour with DC1, pushing hadn't got me anywhere so they were going in with the forceps. There really is no way to hold still when you're in that state but the epidural was worth it, I went from full on mooing to 'oh, that's better'. DH asked me why we hadn't done that hours ago, I had no answer!

These are great. It's like Carry On Childbirth.

samu I was told that as well

Perfect, not too big and not too small!

Ds1 still didn't want to feed off them though...little ratbag!

Anesthetist just before an op to remove an ovarian cyst - so, you're having a hysterectomy...

From the student midwife who had just stitched me up after having dc2
"Thanks for letting me do that, I've not done it on a person before."
Apparently she'd practised lots on chicken though.

Before that, the midwife had checked her stitches out and pronounced my fanjo beautiful.

It's when they write on your leg shortly before knocking you out "THIS LEG" in felt tip...

Dh had an eleven hour heart operation. The surgeon came to find me after the op, presumably with the intention of reassuring me and telling me how it had gone. What he actually said was "oh I'm so tired. I don't know if this will work but I've done my best and we'll just have to wait and see".

He was closely followed by dh's consultant who said "Well Juan, at least he's alive - I didn't think we'd get this far".

After 10/11 hours of labour, exhausted, still no baby I was then told to "cheer up" by the midwife