Words you don't want to hear when stuck in an awkward position.

[2kidsintow]

"Oops, I've just popped a vein there!"
While being injected with dye while lying strapped into the MRI machine table.

Urgh. Hurt too and is going to leave an impressive bruise.

[notso]

Midwife when I was having DD, "if you reach down you can touch your baby's head"
I reach down tentatively and say "oh, it's got loads of hair"
Midwife "no dear, that's your pubes"

Me shortly shortly after delivering DS1 still delivering the placenta "can you turn that tap off it's really noisy"
Midwife legging it towards the door "it's not water love, that's your blood gushing onto the floor, just need to get someone"

Me on the phone to the labour ward after a massive contraction I knew the baby was coming soon "I need to come in now, this is my fourth baby and..." (Was about to say my third labour was only 40 mins)
Midwife cutting me off "if it's your fourth then you'll know your not in labour if contractions are 10mins apart, goodbye"
DS was born 10 mins later delivered mostly by DH.

Later in hospital I was in shock shaking uncontrollably, crying and vomiting the same Midwife said "well the good news is you can go home now"
I hadn't even been able to hold him.

[charliefoxtrot]

Oh wow, this thread is both hilarious and horrifying!

I had an ectopic pregnancy and one of my fallopian tubes was removed. 2 yrs later I had DS by caesarean. After he was delivered, the surgeon said to me, 'we're just having a bit of a tidy up down here and I can't find your left ovary. Are you sure it wasn't removed?' I said I was sure it was still there. She looked at me expectantly and said 'well, we can't seem to find it. Any idea where it might be?'. To this day, I still don't know what answer she was expecting to that question.

[starfishmummy]

Having my amniocentis. At my dating scan I had been sent but to drink more due to my bladder not being fulll enough so I had been drinking lots. I was bursting!!
Consultant says my bladder is a bit full and could I just do a small wee!!

In fact I was so nervous I could scarcely go and did just let a small amount out!!

[2kidsintow]

Oooo... starfish. A small wee? Is that possible in that situation?

[ebwy]

post brain-haemorrhage.
strapped down, unable to move, waiting for my cranial angiogram...

nurse says "I'm just getting the tubes ready to go in you" and wanders off out of view, comes back carrying a tube longer than I am....
someone else (didn't see who) says "for god's sake, don't let the patient see that, if her blood pressure gets any higher she'll pop again!"
I replied "I'm crippled not deaf, thank you!"

[SelectAUserName]

Some of these are horrific. Don't HCPs think before they open their mouths?

Mine pale into insignificance in comparison, but I had a nurse tell me my cervix was "very small. VERY small" in tones of severe disapproval during a smear. I'm not quite sure what I was supposed to do to make it bigger?

The only other one I can recall was while having an x-ray on my knees a few years ago. Radiologist womanhandled me into an unnatural position - think shins practically bending upwards from the knee. Her assistant took one look at my face and said "I think you're hurting her". Radiologist replied (with a loud sigh/tut) "well I don't know what she expects if she wants us to find out what's wrong". Well for starters, given that I was referred for an x-ray because of extreme knee pain, I'd quite like you NOT to make it a thousand times worse by bending my knees in a direction nature never meant them to go!

[mermaidbutmytailfelloff]

I was having a mammogram assisted biopsy, so my poor left boob was squashed in a mammogram plate which had a hole in it. Lots of faffing about (please relax they said. Relax????) anyway they tried a couple of times to position the plate and the hole, then to get the needle in. After a while she pulled the needle out and said "there is nothing in this, I hope we havent gone through the other side". Then they looked to see.

I meanwhile was contemplating jumping out of the window, but realised I was still clamped in the bloody machine.

[aworkingmummy]

During my c-section surgeon saying

"Can I have a sharp scalpel please - this one is blunt and is just tearing not cutting"

Good job I couldn't see!

[spiderlight]

'Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit!' the driver of a bus I was on with DS as we hit a massive speed-bump that he'd seen way too late to slow down for, becoming completely airborne for long enough for an old lady at the back of the bus to shout 'Wheeeeeee!' It was fine but it could have ended very badly!

[ElloGuvnor]

"Well, let's deliver this baby then" said by grumpy battleaxe type midwife, entering the room and mistaking me for someone else after I was referred to EPU for bleeding at 13 weeks. Erm not just yet thanks!

[mrssprout]

I was 19, literally had my hand on the door handle about to walk out of the office after a 1st appointment with my first adult (not kids hospital) cardiologist when he says....."oh by the way you have been told if you get pregnant you will die haven't you".......so I say "no I hadn't".........he replies "well you will. See you in 12 months" as he ushers me out the door

[2kidsintow]

Reminds me of the consultant that nonchalantly and without any preamble, told my uncle that if the medication didn't work, they'd amputate his leg.

[KatyN]

Pre smear chit chat with the the nurse I said I'd been at the surgery for several years and I thought she had done my previous smear.
5 minutes later in the 'act' she says 'oh yes recognise you now'

Oh