Words you don't want to hear when stuck in an awkward position.

[2kidsintow]

"Oops, I've just popped a vein there!"
While being injected with dye while lying strapped into the MRI machine table.

Urgh. Hurt too and is going to leave an impressive bruise.

During my c-section 12 weeks ago..the spinal didn't work so well so I could feel more than I should and I asked screamed at the surgeon "Is it over yet?".

She replied "I'm just putting your ovaries back in." It didn't calm me down.

I now picture my ovaries as little alien antennae.

I have 2:

1 - oh, erm that's not blood. No you just liposuctioned my arm I think.

2 - me at the end of lovely relaxing (naked) massage by an old hippy bloke in oz

"How long have you practised reike?"

Him - oh its just a hobby I'm actually a plumber

Me - erm oh right.
"S

Nursey - well I did tell the Senior Consultant later and gently suggested it might not be the best advice for someone living in pain for ten years, who had to give up their career, and was virtually housebound.

He was mortified and said "I'll have a word, on your behalf, you just cant get the staff nowadays!"

I am in a lot better health now.

morebeta I'm glad you did better, god forbid they said the same thing to someone who isn't as strong minded as you are! I'm glad you're in better health now, must be awful!

My very worst was, in labour 'We've lost the baby's heartbeat', when off my face with gas and air, having lost three babies to MC and convinced this would not end in a live birth. They had actually lost the baby's heartbeat on the monitor, not in actual fact. She had not died, as I had assumed.

Luckily my H (at the time) had realised what I was thinking and told me what was going on!

Dentist: Open wide. Gosh, I wish I'd brought my camera in...

Unusual skin condition had spread to lining of my mouth.

During a smear...

"Don't worry, if I meet you out and about, I won't let on that I've seen your bits."

This is really not as reassuring as it sounds...

"Gosh that is a posterior cervix - I need to fetch my colleague with larger hands'

She didn't warn me long fingered colleague had lessons on inspections from James Herriot.

20 week scan with dd. Student sonographer taking lots of measurements. She spent ages on a particular one. I asked her if there was something wrong. She replied "I can't find the left ventricle (of the baby's heart)". I panicked. Senior sonographer who had been observing takes over straight away and finds and measures within seconds.

Would have helped if they had explained at the start that she was a student.

reading through my hospital notes after twin birth the mw had written a large "HELP!!" across the page when twin 1 very suddenly appeared and she was the only professional in the room.

My dentist, who was also my Dad: "Ah. Sorry about this old chap, but I've just broken the needle. If you can hold still for a bit I'll stick another five bob on the bribe."

"Oooh.... that's not... usual" by a Dr looking at my bits.

Pregnant with DS2 I was having trouble walking due to swelling 'down below.' Luckily I couldn't see how bad it was. My notes said 'cricket ball sized labia.'

Posted too soon: 25p to you young 'uns. Mind you, we only got 2.5p per extraction, so it might have been a bit more serious than he let on.

Having my blood pressure took by the midwife in hospital after my 12 week scan. I'm fighting not to do my usual trick and tense up.
Whilst the trainee midwife takes the reading the other Midwife looks at my scan notes and says 'so, about this large cyst that was noticed on the scan'.
Me: 'they've seen a what? Where? Noone said that to me!'
Trainee to midwife: 'oh gosh, she has very high blood pressure.'

Can't imagine why that would be.

Consultant: "...So, we're just going to open you up and take a look at your appendix..."

Me: (Doubled over in pain) "I don't think it's my appendix!"

Consultant: "No, I don't either"

"No, I can't give you any pain relief. You'll have to wait until the day shift comes in."

Consultant, during a colonoscopy for what turned out to be very severe ulcerative colitis: 'Oh, this isn't half as bad as I was expecti....woah! Um. Do you mind if I call some students in to see this?'

Whilst trying to have the coil fitted.. I have never come across a womb this big in 20 years of doing this.

Didn't know whether to feel proud or not!

Anyway due to my abnormally large womb the coil couldn't be fitted.

Whilst having the contraceptive implant in my arm removed,
GP [to nurse] well I just can't get this to move at all, the amount of blood isn't helping
Nurse [to GP] have you done this before?
GP: Oh no. [To me, feeling v close to passing out by this point, with a desperate tone] Would you like to have a go pulling it out?
Me: Err... ok?? [I then did remove it myself].

Left foot green

GP to DP, who was in excruciating pain with piles:

"Piles? You've got a bloody cauliflower up there!"

'The count is off, one swab missing'. Nurse collecting what looked like all the bits from a murder scene after DS's forceps birth. Consultant looked at me and said 'I don't think I left it inside you.'

augen That's actually made me feel a bit sick!

I have lots of these but the most extreme were while I was in labour with each DS - "I can't find the heartbeat." DS1, his heart rate was slow during contractions, I was dehydrated & exhausted. This comment was then followed by my homebirth midwife shouting "This baby may not come out alive" at me. I wanted to shout back "Ok, but he is coming out!"
With DS2 I was told she couldn't find the heart beat while transferring in from my homebirth after copious amounts of meconium appearing after my waters broke. She made the ambulance stop & shouted at me to push as hard as I could which I'd been telling them I wanted to do but they said I wasn't ready. Midwife2 leapt into the ambulance. MW1, panicking: "I can't find the heart beat!" MW2: "That's because it's in her pelvis..." Daft woman was expecting to find the heart beat where it would normally be for an antenatal check-up!

Both DS's were fine once they were out & only required a little stint under heat because they'd been transferred in an ambulance instead of wrapped up warm! If I ever convince DH he does want more I'll be keeping quiet about how progressed the labour is & time it so the MWs only arrive as the baby's crowning. Neither labour was particularly bothersome for me, DS1 was pretty much pain-free! it was the midwives' attitudes which created the stress! I'd have had the loveliest birth experiences if I just hadn't called anyone! DH has emphatically said he wouldn't let that happen though.

Can I have this one explained to me please?

"Add message | Report | Message poster RahRahRasputin Fri 21-Mar-14 20:21:22
looks from whole team and then "are you parents related to each other?" while having a colonoscopy. I'd seen the tumour too so knew why they were freaked out but not exactly reassuring"

'Gosh, you really need to try to relax a bit'.

Said by the GP who had tried for 20 minutes to insert a copper coil in my increasingly 'stressed' cervix.

Her senior colleague managed it in 20 seconds.