To think that you are not having a contract phone

[bongobaby]

My ds has thrown a stop this morning saying I am ruining his life because he can't be normal like all of his friends. Reason being is that his phone brought as a birthday present isn't on a contract but on pay as you go. " All my friends are on contract and I'm not normal" "All my friends play 12/15 Xbox games"
I am against him playing them and want him to stick to age appropriate games.
He doesn't need a contract phone, this morning he went on and on about it. I need it on a contract and your not being fair mum.

I found a good coping strategy was saying "I am so angry with you and your behaviour right now I am going to walk away for a few minutes, and then we will both sit down and talk about this like human beings". It give the child a chance to take a step back without losing face.

Trust me, she made me feel the consequences!

As I said, good luck. I'm dreading the teenage stage!

Yep I get "no,no wait I'm not finished speaking yet" after the palm of his hand has gone upto my face and the eyes have born through me. I switch off and listen to him whinge on.
I was brought up around daily violence,beatings and verbal abuse as a child. Speak when spoken too. Felt very frightened every day at home. I remain clam when he speaks to me in that way because of my upbringing my natural reaction would be to lash out at him,Not the answer so I listen but just switch off and count quietly in my head until he is finished.

Walk away.

Don't stand there.

No, meryl I've never gone with 'never explain, never apologise' and in fact I get told by one of my DD1's (SN) carer's that I explain a whole lot more than most parents she knows.

However, if it's gone beyond the point where she's actually seeking to understand something, and she's just attacking me because she doesn't like my decision, then there is no point continuing the discussion.

Sometimes, 'because I'm the Mum and you're the girl' is the only totally true answer.

"He puts his hand upto my face and tells me to wait until he's finished speaking."

Can you talk to him about this when he's calm, and decide what your response is going to be, with him?

DD3 screams. A lot. I don't like screaming, and it's not helpful behaviour.

I told her when she was calm 'I know a grown up who still has temper tantrums because nobody stopped her when she was younger. It's my job to make sure you don't grow up like that, so I will never, ever, give you what you want because you scream for it, ok?'

She took that in, understood and said OK.

So, when she's screaming, I can say 'DD3, remember what I told you...' and she knows exactly what I'm talking about.

Sometimes I do walk away but he will follow me until he gets his point out. He will not let it go until he has. It can be so bloody draining at times.

It's awful, isn't it? Poor you.

Feel free to tell him that my 11 year old DC doesn't have any phone, or any prospect of getting one at this age. She copes just fine, and I expect he would too.

If you were to substitute 'dh' here, everyone would be telling you he was an abuser and you should call womens aid.

Please get help.

For you and for him.

He is bullying you. It will not get better on its own.

At what point does he consider that he has 'got his point across'? When you back down? When you agree? When you look suitably frightened?

Do you have a lock on the bathroom door? Or on your bedroom door?

You need to find some way to remove yourself. Or have something to say that will ensure he knows that he is not allowed to harrass you.

"You can speak for as long as you like, I have said all I have to say on the matter, you will only waste your breath" and pick up a magazine, or watch tv.

If he was a girl, I suspect people wouldn't be doing it, though, ISeeYou.

It's learned behaviour - he's learned that he can wear his mum down through this. Just like my DD3 is having to learn that it isn't going to work. Some children take longer to learn that than others.

I'd take the phone off him. And everything else. Pocket money, any playstation/xbox things, DVDs, the lot. Put it under lock and key in the attic. He can have it back, bit by bit, once he has changed his disgusting attitude and learnt to appreciate what you do for him.

The phone's not the issue is it. His behaviour is unacceptable.

Bullying is a bit strong for an 11 year old. He is trying to push he's boundaries. I won't back down on getting him a contract for his phone. The way he speaks to me is not acceptable at all. When he calms down he explains that he doesn't like it when we argue and we are a team together and should get on. I tell him that I am his mother and that he should listen to me.

Sorry, should have read the rest of the thread! I see you are getting some helpful advice OP. Good luck. I'm dreading the tweens stage.

Oh, and when he gets his hand up into your face, laugh at him and say 'do you realise how ridiculous you look?" Then turn around and walk off.

Let's not forget, her DS is on the AS. It's this and a mixture of hormones as to why he is totally not getting why he can't have these things. If he was a boy that wasn't on the spectrum then I'd say he was behaving in a brattish way but I can see why he's saying some of these things.

Is it worth having a word with his teacher or if he's at high school, his support teacher? There are techniques for getting the message across.

I'm only going on what you said. He follows you around and won't let you leave or stop listening until he has had his say, he attempts to silence you with a hand at your face, he stares at you in a way you yourself find "frightening"

These are bullying behaviours.

Kids can be bullies. Normally to other kids but kids can and do behave in bullying ways.

It doesn't mean he's the devil incarnate! He's a kid. But he won't always be a kid and it does mean there's a need for serious change. Which is what you are trying to make happen.

x-post. so are mine. My eldest has autism and my youngest has autism and adhd. I am not ignorant of the challenges, believe me!

Johnworf sorry I don't understand what you have said about AS don't know what that means.
To say he looks ridiculous doing that would just make him loose the plot and I would never hear the end of it.
He acting like a toddler and I'm dreading him being a terror teen next year.

AS = autistic spectrum.

Sorry for my ignorance I didn't know what AS was. He isn't on the spectrum. He is displaying a strong personality in getting his point across and is being distepectful.. And thinking that it has to be listened too. There is a need for serious change here with him. I should stop being a fool and wise up I know.
Some good advice being given and noted. I guess I just want to please him all the time but its not helping matters.
I,m his mother, not his mate.

Damned right.

And a good one too, otherwise you wouldn't be agonising over all this.

It's natural to you though. You think that if you can just pacify him, you'll get an easier ride. But it's like feeding a beast!

Thank you iseeyoushiver
Lougle I shall not be feeding beast no more.
Fingers crossed for after school that I get through to him.
Will it be alright for me to post and see how it went?