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Original poster

To think that you are not having a contract phone

208 replies

bongobaby · 21/01/2014 09:39

My ds has thrown a stop this morning saying I am ruining his life because he can't be normal like all of his friends. Reason being is that his phone brought as a birthday present isn't on a contract but on pay as you go. " All my friends are on contract and I'm not normal" "All my friends play 12/15 Xbox games"
I am against him playing them and want him to stick to age appropriate games.
He doesn't need a contract phone, this morning he went on and on about it. I need it on a contract and your not being fair mum.

OP posts:
mrsjay · 21/01/2014 11:09

you have every right to take the phone from him you are his parent let him strop let him not eat his dinner he wont starve himself to death

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici · 21/01/2014 11:09

Excellent. If he refuses to speak to you you can watch tv in peace

If he refuses to eat, then he will be hungry, not you. That's his problem. Do NOT sit and plead with him to eat. Let him sulk. It's his belly that will be empty because of it, not yours. You are only punished by his hunger if you allow yourself to be.

Original poster
bongobaby · 21/01/2014 11:09

Yes in primary school and I feel scared so I give in at times.
The way he stares me out is frightening me. I give him spelling money as a way of encourageing him to do well and focus.

OP posts:
PenguinDancer · 21/01/2014 11:12

Again, REMIND him of his REAL right. Food, clothes, warmth, education and love.

Nothing in their about a phone.

He wont starve himself for too long and if he bangs his head hard it's gonna hurt. When DS has tried hurting himself for attention I'm afraid I've just said 'silly to hurt yourself like that, don't come crying to me'

CoffeeTea103 · 21/01/2014 11:12

Op I'm shocked that you pay him for doing his homework, something that benefits him not you. That needs to definitely stop as well as paying him for chores. Do you realize that he is learning no family responsibility, he is learning that everything is tied to financial reward, he will struggle when reality sets in when he's older that life isn't so.
You sound like you need a lot of support and maybe he does to.

PenguinDancer · 21/01/2014 11:13

Again if my DS was staring me out I'm afraid I'd laugh at him and tell him 'you do look silly doing that, hahaha' Don't give him the attention for it

LeBearPolar · 21/01/2014 11:13

I would just agree with him. When he says that all his friends have contract phones, just say 'Yes, they probably do' and when he says it's not fair, say 'No, it probably isn't', and when he says you should just give him money, say 'Yes, I probably should.'

And then just carry on doing exactly what you think is best for him. He sounds as if he has a very inflated sense of his own importance, and getting upset with him and arguing increases that. Just agreeing with him and then ignoring him lessens the attention he gets and makes him less powerful, iyswim.

TantrumsAndBalloons · 21/01/2014 11:14

If he stares at you, walk away.

If he doesnt eat, say nothing

if he doesnt speak, say nothing

if he has a tantrum, go in another room.

He knows you are wary of him. What are you going to do when he is taller than you? Stronger than you?
You are the parent, you have to be in control.

CoffeeTea103 · 21/01/2014 11:15

I think that he's learnt the ways in which to manipulate you. He knows that he scares you, he knows how to get you to give in, he knows how his reactions will make him feel.
The best thing you can do for him is tough love, he is displaying worrying behaviour. You need to make changes now, not in a few years when you can't control the situation at all.

notso · 21/01/2014 11:15

I think you should go back to basics, he is behaving like a toddler so treat him like a toddler. Ignore the tantrums, don't get into an argument.
If he speaks to you in an aggressive manor the simply say "if you want to speak to me find another way to talk" and ignore him until he does.

It is going to be hard but you have to tell yourself he needs this, and so do you.

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici · 21/01/2014 11:17

Don't get into a staring contest with him! He's a child. Turn away. Make yourself a cup of tea. Don't respond to him as though you are another child. Your relationship is not that, it is mother and child.

Kaluki · 21/01/2014 11:18

Also imagine him grown up and treating his wife like that. Because by letting him do this you are teaching him that it is OK.
Is he in contact with his Dad? Is he having an influence on him?
Are there any other family members he looks up to who can step in and have a word?

Original poster
bongobaby · 21/01/2014 11:19

I remind him of how he gets his clothes, food,heat, light, nice room,Xbox,phone, shoes all he says is "your supposed to do that, your my mum"
I pay him because otherwise he won't do it without a row so I thought I could encourage him and to get some savings behind him for his future.

OP posts:
Anniegoestotown · 21/01/2014 11:20

Ds has a cintract phone, he gets 600 mins unlimited texts and 1 thing of internet. For £7.50 per month. I actually think it is cheaper than PAYG. I also have the security that he cannot go over that limit without my say so.

TantrumsAndBalloons · 21/01/2014 11:21

Well, if you dont pay him what will he do, not do it?

Fine, then he will have no clean clothes unless he does it himself, no clean uniform, no packed lunch, no money.

No xbox, no phone, nothing at all. Until he realises how life works

mrsjay · 21/01/2014 11:22

you need to walk away from him like others have said and if he cheeks you with well you are supposed too remind him you are supposed to feed clothe and keep him warm and safe and love him which you do everything else is extra, I can see where you are coming from then if you want to encourage him to do well in school but he is now expecting, have you considered speaking to the school about his behaviour at home

Solo · 21/01/2014 11:23

I currently have a sim only (because I wanted to keep my old phone) rolling monthly thing that is costing me £12:90 pcm. I get 5000 texts, more than 1mb (can't remember exactly because I rarely use it), and 600 minutes any network, plus 300 3 to 3 voice minutes. I had a cap put on it several years ago after Dd bought games Hmm without me realising. Your Ds wouldn't even know it wasn't a 'proper' contract.

My own Ds didn't even have a phone until he was 12+ btw. Kids are a nightmare and think they are entitled to everything and anything they want. It'll just get worse because parents are just giving them what they want. It seems like a big keeping up with the Joneses these days or being better than the next person. I hate it!

mrsjay · 21/01/2014 11:24

I am really worried for you you have done nothing wrong except try to bring him up as a decent human being that is what we all want but he is still in primary and like this he is only going to get worse then you might pass it off as teen behaviour

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici · 21/01/2014 11:25

You have GOT to get some help with this. You need help to see how you can best make changes here.

One day he's going to be bigger and stronger than you. You need to change him NOW. You need to turn him around while he is still young.

You need to provide food, warmth and shelter. You are under no obligation to provide a phone, an x box and stuff like that.

Look at things that have natural consequences. Let those natural consequences happen.

Doesn't do homework - gets in trouble at school

Doesn't bring his washing down - has no clean clothes

etc etc.

Bogeyface · 21/01/2014 11:26

Does he see his father? What is the history with you and his dad splitting up?

I am in no way suggesting his behaviour is ok (I agree that removing the phone is a good thing to do, amazing how suddenly less crap something is when they dont have it!), but I am wondering if he is kicking out because of something else.

Not having a lot of money can be hard for kids, especially when they think their friends are rolling in it (or more likely, there parents are up to their arses in credit card debt). And if the split was bad, his dad was abusive and he doesnt see him anymore, or he does but dad slags you off, then he could be reacting to that.

My friends son was like this. He was fine, a great kid, until he saw his dad attack his mum (his dad had been careful until then to only have a go when the kids werent there). Mum and dad split up, dad slagged mum off every time they saw him, said that she was a terrible mother, that he was going for custody etc. In the end he lost interest when the next GF came along and her son went totally off the rails. He was parroting everything his dad had said about her. She got counselling and it was hard but he did come out the other side. He needed someone to blame for his dad being gone, for his dad being shite, and that was her.

glasgowsteven · 21/01/2014 11:27

Tesco sims are no longer capped at the cost of the contract.

There is a safety buffer on them, in case of emergencies (right)

but you can get a 2.50 minimum cap put on.

so for 12.50 a month (max) you can get some good deals

Bogeyface · 21/01/2014 11:29

That should say, she got counselling for her DS.

Original poster
bongobaby · 21/01/2014 11:31

His father has had a negative influence on him and contact is not going ahead at the moment as it has to be supervise.
I'm going to walk away from him if he starts his nonsense this afternoon. His school is good as he gets one on one time out to explain and draw his feelings out on paper.
£7.50 for a contract phone would be cheaper but would be giving in to his demands. I sound like a weak shitty mess .

OP posts:
mrsjay · 21/01/2014 11:33

you dont sound weak at all you sound knackered and at odds what to do, yes the 7'50 is cheaper but that would be giving in as you said why don't you use that as an incentive for him, and also speak to the school again

Bogeyface · 21/01/2014 11:35

I did wonder if his father was connected to this. Things like "get a job so I can have X" sounds like it is from the back of his father slagging you off.

I would be inclined to speak to the school to see if they can help you access any counselling for him. If not, then Relate offer counselling for children and families, you sound like you could do with some support too.