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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that you are not having a contract phone

208 replies

bongobaby · 21/01/2014 09:39

My ds has thrown a stop this morning saying I am ruining his life because he can't be normal like all of his friends. Reason being is that his phone brought as a birthday present isn't on a contract but on pay as you go. " All my friends are on contract and I'm not normal" "All my friends play 12/15 Xbox games"
I am against him playing them and want him to stick to age appropriate games.
He doesn't need a contract phone, this morning he went on and on about it. I need it on a contract and your not being fair mum.

OP posts:
PenguinDancer · 21/01/2014 10:36

I would tell him that when you go back to work he STILL will not have a contract phone and that is purely down to his childish attitude.

mrsjay · 21/01/2014 10:37

don't want to be ill with depression and an injury and find it hard going at the moment. Getting him a bloody contract is the last thing on my mind. He seems to take pleasure in trying to guilt trip me getting his iwn way making me feel bad.

is what i thought was happening you need to find some strength to stand up to him

PenguinDancer · 21/01/2014 10:37

If its that bad I would honestly have taken the phone by now. He doesn't deserve it at all.

'see, it's not only dependant on whether I'm working or not'

mrsjay · 21/01/2014 10:39

you are doing nothing wrong many many working parents dont hand stuff to their kids just because they can afford it,

LadyGreenTea · 21/01/2014 10:40

If he doesn't accept your reasoning (and it sounds as though he's being immature and not accepting the family finances), would you sit with him whilst he phones ChildLine? Let him talk with someone else, explain the situation from his POV and then for him to have his opinions put into perspective by a third party?

ok, so I don't know if that's what ChildLine is there for, but it sounds as though he sorely needs to grow up and be realistic about your family circumstances and RESPECT!!

mrsjay · 21/01/2014 10:43

I remember watching something on tv about childine and children do phone with the trivial like the op son and the people on the other end do go through it with them and will talk to them

Original poster
bongobaby · 21/01/2014 10:45

This sounds really bad but I'm dreading him coming home from school and starting his whinging again about it. Sometimes I buy myself the odd magazine and he says that I can afford that but not things for him. It's like living with a mini adult. I do feel guilty that I can't give him what he wants. He has a very strong personality and I feel that he wraps me around his finger with his demands.

OP posts:
Joysmum · 21/01/2014 10:46

We decided early on to go contract with DD as it was better value. She was told it forms part of her pocket money which had to be earnt. She also knows that demanding anything would lead me to go against what she wanted, even if I agreed with her! Attitude is everything and I can't stand attitudes of entitlement, petulance or anything other than reasoned discussion.

Kaluki · 21/01/2014 10:47

I am with vodafone and I pay £5 a month for DS1 to be on my contract. Calls to me and other vodafones are free and he has loads of minutes and texts and never goes over. I think I will do the same for DS2 when he goes into year 7 as it works out cheaper than PAYG.
But your problem isnt so much the phone contract but more about your DSs entitled attitude and it is this that needs nipping in the bud. Could you take him to a soup kitchen or food bank to volunteer and show him how lucky he actually is?

PenguinDancer · 21/01/2014 10:48

bongo take his phone. Seriously. You have to stop this. If he wraps you around his finger YOU need to stop that. He is just a child. It's your responsibility to stop it. You can do it. You're here, sharing the problem. Now actually make the move. Take the phone. Tell him he will only get it back if you hear a week without any whining and remind him that he is the child in the family. Then after the week remind him that you can and will take it again if required. If after four days he whines the week starts all over again. Tell him you will no longer tolerate his childish behaviour. Be firm and don't wobble.

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici · 21/01/2014 10:49

Well no, it's not like living with an adult. Because an adult would not treat you like this unless you were in an abusive relationship!

He has no more power than you hand over to him. He cannot wrap you round his little finger unless you allow it. You need to reestablish your role as mother and his as offspring!

It may be that you would benefit from some tips and support to enable this.

coldwater1 · 21/01/2014 10:50

All my 12 year old daughters friends have contract iPhone 5Cs!! Wtf she kept on and on about having a contract iPhone, there is no way i am giving a 12 year old one. Instead i upgraded my iPhone gave her my old one and put a pay as you go chip in. God compromise. Grin

Kaluki · 21/01/2014 10:52

You see he is picking up on that guilt and playing on it!
Why feel guilty? You feed and clothe him and care for him - a phone or an xbox or sky telly is a luxury, not a basic right and he needs to know this.

I remember what it feels like to be a single Mum on a budget and its tough but you need to sort him out now as he will be a whole lot worse once the teen years kick in.

mrsjay · 21/01/2014 10:52

if he is like this at 11 what is he going to be like at 15 you sound done in tbh and he is walking all over you, I have seen this happen to a family member of mine and it was a terrible outcome now her children are a bit older than yours and they just do what they want she has no strength left in her, parentline plus is a good website for parents of older children ( that is what it used to be called not sure now) ring them it used to be a free phone number google it and phone them , you are letting him walk all over you out of guilt or whatever you need to stand up to him, is he violent bongo

PenguinDancer · 21/01/2014 10:53

If the door slamming was today I would take it the second he gets in the door and remind him what he did to warrant the punishment. If it wasn't wait til he whines again.

If he tries to refuse physically giving you it tell him it's the phone or all the clothes in his room bar the school uniform and everything else in his room. Bag it up. I honestly think you need to be ruthless.

Original poster
bongobaby · 21/01/2014 10:53

He does get pocket money but not alot and not in cash. I transfer it straight into his account on my phone banking app. He gets 10p per spelling question he gets right at school for ten correct spellings each week. Then another pound for putting the dishes away. He whinges like anything having to do the dishes and says I should just give him the money.
When I ask him to do anything else he wants to charge me for him doing so. Example can you put some washing away ok then if you give me a pound!
I don't want to waste child lines time as its for real children in real need of their time.

OP posts:
mrsjay · 21/01/2014 10:56

i would take his bank account away too strip it bare for a few weeks dont top up his phone dont pay him to do anything and i wouldnt be paying him to do school work anyway

Original poster
bongobaby · 21/01/2014 11:01

He does get very angry and bangs his head on the wall when he is told no to things. I don't want him doing that as I can see traits of his father in him when he does that. And I suppose I placate him as I did his father when he used to do it. He was abusive to me and demanding. He is a lovely child when he is good. But lately he his turning into a bugger.
A contract is not going to happen as I can just about afford his top up at the moment.

OP posts:
mrsjay · 21/01/2014 11:02

is he in primary on secondary ? you sound like you need some support with him it must be difficult if you see traits that scare you

TantrumsAndBalloons · 21/01/2014 11:04

Then stop paying him.

He helps in the house because he lives there.

I say to my DCs- no one lives for free.

You do realise, if you were to give in and get a contract, that wouldn't be enough? He would want a better phone, more money, clothes.
My ds1 wants £120 trainers. That's fine. If he wants to save up the money he can have them. He washes neighbours cars and does a bit of gardening for them to earn extra cash because there is no way in gods earth I am paying £120 for a 14 year old boys trainers when mine cost £30. And I work all day Grin

I think you need to find a way of making understand life.

In order to get something, you work for it.
Or you make damn sure that you are grateful to the person providing it.
You do your bit to make the family run smoothly.

Original poster
bongobaby · 21/01/2014 11:05

I will take the phone from him for this mornings behaviour. I know what will happen, he will refuse to speak to me, refuse to eat his dinner and go into one. He said when I have done this before that its his phone not mine and I have no right to take it.

OP posts:
LadyGreenTea · 21/01/2014 11:05

But he's not an adult and he's not taking on any responsibility as a (maturing, developing) pre-teen could...

Buying yourself a magazine is not the same financial commitment as a phone contract - even the cheapest mentioned in this thread (£7.50 a month on GiffGaff?) is a commitment of £90, which is a significant sum of money!

You obviously love your son a lot and want to please him. But he needs to realise that love doesn't equal financial outlay or vice versa. You don't have to feel guilty about the way in which you're raising / providing for him, so don't let him do that to you.

Do you have a close friend or another family member who could have a chat with him? About this and the general way in which he behaves towards you? (((hugs)))

crazykat · 21/01/2014 11:07

How much do you spend on credit for his phone? We've just got DSD a capped contract with tesco - 250 minutes, 3000 texts and 1gb data for £7.50 a month and capped at £2.50 so the maximum bill we will get is £10. It works out cheaper than topping up on PAYG.

If DSD had demanded it then no way would she have got it. We decided to get it as part of her Christmas present to go with her new phone.

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici · 21/01/2014 11:07

You need to make some massive changes here otherwise he is going to get worse.

He needs to stop that pound for anything rubbish. Explain to him that you do certain things for him - such as feed him, maintain a roof over his head, clothe him, ensure his safety, etc etc etc (the longer the list the better!) and you do those things as his mother and as a family. He, also, has responsibilities as part of a family, and they are to make a reasonable contribution to the family, by way of a certain number of chores etc etc

It is only things above that, that you are offering to reward him for.

OTOH, if he would like a system where you each get paid for everything you do for the other, you suggest he gets on ebay and sells a kidney because he is going to owe you millions! I say that only because he needs to understand that you do so much and it is not a case of him doing everything! He needs to acknowledge all that you do. Not be grateful for it necessarily but stop seeing himself as some sort of drudge Hmm

I would stop paying him to do homework. He either does it or not, but the consequences of not doing it will be borne by him in the form of detention, etc.

You need a total rethink on how you're dealing with him, tbh.

LadyGreenTea · 21/01/2014 11:09

And if you have no right to take his phone, then why does he think he has a right to demand money from you?? Why do rights only flow one way in this relationship?? If he wants to persist along these lines, then as it is his phone it is his responsibility toi pay for it and whatwever contract he wants.

Not helpful in the long term I know, but worth pointing out to him nevertheless.

Do you have any support? Any family to mull this over with?

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