To think that you are not having a contract phone

[bongobaby]

My ds has thrown a stop this morning saying I am ruining his life because he can't be normal like all of his friends. Reason being is that his phone brought as a birthday present isn't on a contract but on pay as you go. " All my friends are on contract and I'm not normal" "All my friends play 12/15 Xbox games"
I am against him playing them and want him to stick to age appropriate games.
He doesn't need a contract phone, this morning he went on and on about it. I need it on a contract and your not being fair mum.

[Kaluki]

Don't be hard on yourself. You aren't weak.
You are strong not to give in to him.
Honestly you will only have to be tough for a while until he learns the rules. Then he will be a nicer boy for it and you can have a good relationship with him as he will respect you.
Sounds like his arse of a dad has got a lot to answer for

[TantrumsAndBalloons]

you are not weak or a mess.
you are having a few issues right now-trust me, every parent in the world has issues at one time or another. You just have to recognise where the issue lies and deal with it before it escalates.

It sounds as though there are deeper issues surrounding his dad leaving/contact so it may be worth looking at what help is available, maybe counselling, where he can talk about what is bothering him would help?

[Bogeyface]

And bear in mind that when you draw a line in the sand, as you must, things will get worse before they get better.

You walking away, refusing to engage and disciplining where appropriate will probably, initially, result in him ramping up the sulks and tantrums. This is to test the boundaries, to push and push until you give in. DONT GIVE IN. The second you do, he knows that all he has to do his keep pushing you.

Dont force him to do his jobs, just remind him that if he doesnt, he wont get his pocket money and stick to it. He will kick off, but eventually he will either learn to live without any money or realise that he needs to do his jobs if he wants to get paid.

When he does kick off and you need to stand your ground, no matter how bad it makes you feel, say to yourself "These are lessons he needs to learn, I am doing the right thing".

[MerylStrop]

1. He is NOT his father. Don't let that affect your thinking. Expect better from him.
2. Stop paying him for his school work and helping around the house. Research has shown this is actually de-motivating. Kids need to find reward in a job well done, or at least just done. Set out your minimum expectations.
3. Pocket money should be pocket money, not reward.

It will be hard but stop letting him treat you like a doormat. Tantrums need to wash off like water off a duck's back. Try being utterly unbotherable (pretend you are then you might find you are) for a week or so. He needs guidance from you. I hope you gave him an absolute rocket for calling Childline. Good luck

[bongobaby]

The phone is locked to a network and can be unlocked to take any other cheap sims. But that would cost me money to have it unlocked. Much to his disgust that it came locked in the first place, and that it wasn't an iPhone 5.

I hear everything in what has been said about his attitude in these posts and it does worry me his behaviour for his age. It is appreciated all advice is gratefully recieved from you all.
It's hard in my own and good that I can come here.
It's the "your ruining my life" that got to me, all over a frigging contract he can't have

[ISeeYouShiverWithAntici]

No you don't sound like a weak shitty mess.

You sound like a loving, caring mum who is trying her utmost and is struggling and needs some support. We all do from time to time.

We all try our best. They don't come with a manual, sadly!

[ISeeYouShiverWithAntici]

Oh, if I told you the reasons I've had the hysterical waah, you're ruining my life you HATE me... you'd laugh your arse off.

They all do it.

[Bogeyface]

I was told I was ruining DD's life because she had to catch the bus to college a few weeks back.

Honestly, if I had ruined her life as much as she says I have then I would expect her to be in care by now! Its a fairly standard attempt at emotional blackmail. As is...."If you really loved me ..." "You never wanted me, if you did then you would want me to be happy...." "I wish I lived with Dad/Gran/Next door neighbour/the dog/etc" "I HATE YOU!!!! I WISH I HAD NEVER BEEN BORN!"

Just giving you the heads up of what to expect, and you can safely ignore :o

[lougle]

You're talking too much

My 4 year old is like this. A lot. She's smart and can see links between what we do and what we have, etc., but isn't mature enough to realise the complexities of life.

So when she asks me to get her a noisy toy down from a high shelf, and I have a migraine, so say no, she's stuck. I've given her a good reason why she can't have the noisy toy. But she's a child and she's unreasonable, so she says 'No you don't have a headache.' If I insist I do, she says 'You're just choosing to have a headache. You're just making yourself have one!'

She's just being self-centred and childish.

Your DS isn't really expecting you to go out to work - he's just expressing how unfair it seems to him, from his self-centred perspective.

[lougle]

Oh my point

The more I talk to DD3, the more she can erode my decisions. By the time we're talking about the intricacies of what lead to a certain decision, I start to doubt myself.

You need to stand firm. Tell him that you're the Mum and he's the boy, so you make the decisions. When he is paying the bills, he can make the decisions. END OF DISCUSSION.

[ThomasLynn]

I once demanded a phone upgrade and a more expensive contract, in my most stroppy, entitled manner (was 16 and seesawed violently between "actually quite nice" and "brat").

Mum asked to see my phone. I brought it to her, expecting her to see how shitty and terrible it was (was a decent phone in about 2005, lots of friends had "worse") and she picked it up, took it to the kitchen, took the back off of it and threw the whole lot in the washing up my brother was doing. Massive lesson learnt, right there.

I suppose you might find it easier if you don't focus on him being "his father's child," and just pretend he's any kid. You give him power by feeling guilty and allowing him to push you and push you and push you and play the guilt card. He knows that if he pushes you hard enough, you'll snap. From watching my parents struggle with my brother, they were exhausted and there were two of them in white-collar type jobs, I can't imagine the strain you're under.

[MomsStiffler]

My youngest knocked up a £400 mobile bill last year. T-Mobile told me they were unable to cap it so that he couldn't go over. I ended that contract & got a £10 a month sim only contract from Tesco - it's capped so he can't go over that amount, can't use abroad etc & I couldn't be happier!!

He's got in the habit of connecting to the wi-fi when at home so he doesn't go over his data limit...

Don't let your DS pressurise you - if he carries on tell him you'll take the Iphone away & he can have a crappy old phone instead!!

[MerylStrop]

so lougle is it "never explain, never apologise"?

I think that is a good strategy with some kids (DD and DS2) with DS1 I explain everything to the point that he is so bored he can't bear it and gives up his line of argument.

bongo, you're not weak. you've just got a lot on your plate.

[Bogeyface]

I have a line that the kids HATE!

"I always have my reasons for making the decisions I do. You may not know or understand those reasons, but take my word for it that I am doing the right thing."

I start saying "I always have my reasons....." and get "I KNOW!!!" and they stomp off, but they dont argue anymore :o

[bongobaby]

There is a lot of background to his father that has been going on for years. We split up when ds was a under a year old. The traits that are now coming out are frightening and yes he is not his father, I'm trying really hard for him not to be. I've probably made a rod for my own back because I did feel guilty that he didn't have a mum and dad in the same house. And I would spoil him with everything he wanted to compensate. It has taken years for me to realise that I did the right thing getting out of the abusive relationship with his father and it was better for ds. Unfortunately his father terrorised me and is still trying to do it now. Had to get a non mol court order in place recently.
I want him to be not so bloody self centered, self entiltiled.
But realise I have had a hand in that behaviour and haven't helped things.
If he persists later I shall take the phone off him.

[Solo]

Oh yes! I have ruined Ds's life on many occasions and for many different reasons. Ha! Tough.

But it is tough to be a parent, a single Mum and one with little money and poor health. I hear you, that is me too. My own Ds was bullied terribly at (secondary) school for being the 'poor boy' :( and when I returned to work a year ago, things were easier and 'poor boy' stopped because he was earning money by looking after his sister...I then took redundancy, his money has reduced a lot but he hasn't told anyone at school that I don't work atm and that his money is reduced.

Do you think he is being bullied OP?

[RenterNomad]

Who was the relative who bought the phone for him? You need to make sure this person doesn't undermine you, by paying for other things.

So sorry that your son is taking his anger out on you. You are definitely doing the right thing, to stand firm, and not to go into debt over this. Even if you could do it without debt, he sounds as though he really, enotionally, needs boundaries.

Keep going! MN is with you!

[starlight1234]

I think most of us from time to time realise things are going..Kids generally push as far as they can...

If you buy a magazine and he comments...tell him it is your money and none of his business what you spend it on...

If he complains about his phone say if you don't want it do without and take it off him.

I think you should sit down and set out new house rules fresh start...Put them up and stick to them...He is testing you...

I have took my DS shopping (though younger than yours) and told him mummy needs, this this and this for herself..This is not a shopping trip for you tomorrow we will be doing things for you..I think it really helped him...

If he doesn't accept your explanation tell him the answer is no and no further discussion..let him stare, strop, he needs to relearn he can't get his own way..

I also think that paying to do his homework seems a really bad way to motivate himself...

I also reading between the lines wonder if he is using how you feel about the separation to manipulate you...

Like others have said...It is hard now but will be harder when he is 15...Get support here in 3d world

[PenguinDancer]

bogey I am stealing that.

[armsandtheman]

Hi OP,

I feel for you. It sounds like you are scared of your son and he is pushing all your buttons. He sounds like a toddler, having tantrums and looking for boundaries, but in a big strong 11 year old it must be hard, especially if you are unwell. It is the worst time to be fighting this battle.

My DD is only 2, but here's how my mum dealt with me at that age.

1. My parents talked and the worst thing you could do was try to pit them against each other. You don't mention it, but if a partner (or ex) is involved with him, are you on the same page?

1. My mum never threatened anything she didn't carry out, so was careful what she threatened. She never used long-term punishments or money as a reward or threat, we got sent to our rooms until we were ready to apologise and behave like reasonable human beings. We chose when we came out (usually before dinner) and what we did, but there were no electronics in the room back then! She certainly didn't mind us reading... as long as we were on our own - DSis/friends could not join me.

1. Once I reached high school my parents told me that they were going to trust me to do my homework. I could ask for help, but they wouldn't nag and would fully support the school in any punishment they dolled out for not doing things.

1. She had no hesitation disciplining us when we had friends over or were out. She was absolutely consistent.

In this case, I think she probably would have removed the phone (after a warning) and returned it when she felt I was behaving better (no set time scale).

Childline - I suspect she would have let me call and then made me give a donation for time wasting.

What is he like in school? Could they give any tips on handling him?

Sorry it sounds like my mum was a right disciplinarian, she was lovely, but she was also very clear that she was a parent, not a friend, but I could talk to her about anything. I think that giving me clear rules meant I knew when I was breaking them and what the consequences would be, so it was my choice. It helped make me responsible for my actions.

Good luck, I hope you get better soon and find the strength to deal with it all. I really do feel for you.

[bongobaby]

Don't think he is being bullied as he is popular at school and gets on with his friends. His uncle got him the phone and he won't undermine me by buying other things. He is not around a lot as he works abroad most of the time.
I like your line bogeyface, if only he wouldn't argue the toss and always have to have the last word. He puts his hand upto my face and tells me to wait until he's finished speaking.

[ISeeYouShiverWithAntici]

Oh. My. God.

You have GOT to reestablish the boundaries here.

I can't even type what would happen if I got a hand in my face. It is just so disrespectful.

you need to have plans for how you will react in any of the common situations. So that you are less likely to appear flustered or indecisive.

Start with that hand thing.

[Kaluki]

We all have our buttons and unfortunately our dc learn which buttons to push to get a reaction.
Mine is when I get called selfish or that I don't do anything for them which grates because my life revolves around them and I have given up a LOT for them, all of which they are unaware of, rightly so but it upsets me that they can say that.
The best reaction is to stay calm and quiet and just walk off. That takes the control away from them.
I quite like Bogeys sentence - I will use that in future

[bongobaby]

Arms your mum has done a good job bringing you up. I do explain to ds that actions have consequences but that is falling on deaf ears at the moment. It feels like round two is ahead after school. As others have said I won't engage him and walk away. Getting in debt for a contract is not the answer. I can't make excuses for his behaviour and I need to put my foot down.

[RenterNomad]

So glad his uncle will help you. Any chance he could have a word about how disappointed he is, that his present has given DS the idea that he can treat you like shit?