To think that you are not having a contract phone

[bongobaby]

My ds has thrown a stop this morning saying I am ruining his life because he can't be normal like all of his friends. Reason being is that his phone brought as a birthday present isn't on a contract but on pay as you go. " All my friends are on contract and I'm not normal" "All my friends play 12/15 Xbox games"
I am against him playing them and want him to stick to age appropriate games.
He doesn't need a contract phone, this morning he went on and on about it. I need it on a contract and your not being fair mum.

[kickassangel]

Bongo,do you and ds have any access to counseling?

You have obviously had a lot to deal with and it sounds like you are coping well, but I think you would find it easier to have someone in rl to talk to. Making all the decisions, particularly when faced with an angry child, is stressful, and having someone to talk through how and why to stick to your guns could really help.

I also think your ds is pushing things too much, and if there is a background of problems with his dad, this could be something he needs to talk through. He is being unreasonable and using some tactics that are quite manipulative. He is obviously still a child so remember that you are the adult in charge and take confidence from that. Try to think ahead a little about what you want the outcome to be, how he might react and have a plan ready so that it is less flying by the seat of your pants.

If he won't listen to you, then just carry out the consequences quietly and ignore him. I had a friend who used to hide in her own closet (with a drink and magazine) while her teenage daughter ranted outside the door. My friend is a counsellor and she just removed herself and left her daughter facing a blank doorway until the daughter shut up and realized that her temper tantrum would not work.

When he is ready to talk, can you sit down together and agree what are fair house rules? Like, we each do xxx housework after dinner, because we both benefit from a tidy house. If he has taken part in the discussion then he can see the reasons. If he can't discuss it, then he isn't ready for the responsibility and you go back to mum in charge and him being a child who does as he's told.

I hope there is some hope for your health improving, and don't lose sight of getting help for that, as it can make so much difference to how you can cope.

[armsandtheman]

Hi Bongobaby,
Hope that you're still feeling stronger. So glad you have taken the Xbox and phone. He needs to feel the consequences.

Really hope he does something praiseworthy soon. Would be lovely for you to feel proud of him and him to realise praise feels great. At least at 11 you can turn this around still.

Have a cuppa and gather strength before he returns from school for the weekend!

[Groovee]

My ds gets a PAYG bundle. Gives him 200 minutes and unliimited texts.

I ignore shouts of unfairness. Though both children have had massive changes from being given most things to dad loosing his job and us having to be much more careful. They are much more aware of what they can and can't have.

Just be firm and a broken record. He'll soon get the message.

[Ledkr]

It is well documented about the lack of empathy in 11-13 yr olds though, it is to do with their brain paths.

My dd is 12 and very self centred in her family life but will weep at the sight of a homeless person and is very quick to stick up for anyone who is being treated unfairly or unkindly at school.
So I do think there is some truth in it.

The ops son sounds as if he has a few delusions of grandeur on top though and literally needs to be reminded that he is a child and his mum is in charge.

One thing I've learned is to ignore shouts of unfairness and everybody else being allowed stuff (Internet on all night, no bedtimes etc) because it's mostly lies and just an attempt to get their own way.

[nennypops]

I don't actually think it is typical for 11 year olds to think that the world revolves around them and their needs - maybe for toddlers, but for that age, I find that they are becoming much more aware of how things affect other people.

I think you're right. I can remember going to a school assembly when dd was in Year 6. One of her11 year old classmates read out a poem he had written about his severely disabled older sister. It was so loving and so full of empathy, and it was incredibly moving. Mass outbreak of sniffing and eyewiping all round the hall.

[ouryve]

Just RTFT and glad to see you're finding the courage to take charge, Bongo.

The phone needs to be the last thing he gets back, in all of this. Make it clear that he will get it back when he demonstrates the required maturity to own a phone, because, right now, having the phone is making him act in a worryingly irrational manner and it isn't doing him any good (good timing for a headtilt, there).

And going back to something earlier in the thread, DS1 often angles for monetary rewards for things. He'll ask "what do I deserve for that?" and I'll reply with something like "my thanks and gratitude." He'll still ask how much money, but when I remind him that gratitude is a really good thing to experience, he does agree.

[LeBearPolar]

I don't actually think it is typical for 11 year olds to think that the world revolves around them and their needs - maybe for toddlers, but for that age, I find that they are becoming much more aware of how things affect other people.

The OP's DS's greed, self-absorption and sense of entitlement is unusually so, I would have thought.

[Dromedary]

My 11 year old deviates from the norm a lot more than that. For instance, she has no mobile phone or any other electronic device (other than a cd player). She has barely commented on it. Isn't it possible to bring up children who aren't obsessed with doing and having exactly the same as everyone else their age? Or am I causing her psychiatric damage by bringing her up a bit differently?

[HoratiaDrelincourt]

Next time let him call Childline. I know someone who tried similar when he was asked to tidy his room

They gently told him that it might be a good plan to do as he was told and tidy his room.

I don't think this is about the phone but being normal. At 11 it's excruciating to deviate from the norm, and he may be made anxious by your illness. That's what he needs to learn about, not price plans in particular.

[LoveWine]

Wow he does sound very ungrateful. Sorry, you're going through this on top of feeling ill. It's probably just a phase and will pass but in the mean time I would him that such disrespectful talk will not be tolerated in your home.

[hoobypickypicky]

"I'm not working at the moment due to health issues, single parent and cannot afford a phone contract".
"Go to work and then you can pay for my contract"



I got only that far then stopped reading for the sake of my blood pressure. You take this shit from an 11 year old child? Why?

Take the phone and return it to the relative who bought it for him. Then set up a savings account and put whatever you'd planned to pay per month on PAYG in it, spend the money on yourself and make sure he knows you're doing it. Tell him he can have a mobile when he learns respect and gratitude, and that it will be a standard non smartphone next time. And mean it!

[mrsjay]

you have to remember he is only 11 and he thinks the world revolves around him and his needs most children think like that at one time or another this isn't going to be easy to change yours and his attitude he won't change over night he is really pissed off at you for saying no to him keep strong and firm I know it isn't easy but the results will be worth it in the end

[bongobaby]

Nennypops true I will say that to him. At the moment he has turned into a little demon and I'm starting to wish he never had the iPhone in the first place. Should of put my foot down and told him no. He seems to want to run my life with his demands and self entiltlement. Since when does he have the right to speak to me like shit. I'm really trying to stay calm and not go all gangster on his arse, it's hard.

[mrsjay]

But when he tells you he hates you, he's fed up with you etc, remember to say that's a shame because you still love him.

this

[Thatisall]

My dd has a contract phone because we couldn't be arsed with PAYG but she has umpteen limitations on it and has to do certain chores to 'earn' the monthly payment of around £15.
It works out cheaper that PAYG for us.

That said if I had made the decision to have PAYG, then no teen is going to make me change my mind with 'oh I'm different'. They'd be told that the alternative is no phone, then they'd really be different lol.

[nennypops]

But when he tells you he hates you, he's fed up with you etc, remember to say that's a shame because you still love him.

[financialwizard]

Lot of that sounds like age entitleness. Most kids at that age are like that unfortunately.

My son (13 nearly) has a contract phone. It is Tesco £7.50 per month capped at that too so he can't go over. HTC Desire he has I think. More than enough for him.

[Ledkr]

Good for you, stay strong.

[bongobaby]

Breakfast table this morning ds unleashed his mouth full steam ahead at me. "I don't want you having the password to my phone anymore" " I hate your rules, your rules are boring and I'm not going to listen to you anymore" "I'm fed up of you, we don't get on anymore"
" well son rules are rules and are in place in this house, do not take your phone to school today, you will not get it back until you learn some manners"
Another car door slamming and walking off minus goodbye. So when he comes home the Xbox will be gone.

[AlpacaPicnic]

A little while ago there was a brilliant thread, started by a mum who was at the end of her tether with a disrespectful son... He sneered at her while playing on his xbox and she snapped, picked it up and threw it out of the window so it smashed on the ground outside.
She posted on here awaiting her flaming... And got almost universal praise! I wish I could find it... Maybe someone clever can remember it and find it and link it on here.

But the general consensus was - it's ok to be human, to lose your cool once in a while and make your children realise that they need to be thankful for having parents who feed and clothe them. Phones are a luxury not a right, as are games machines and cars. It's ok for your children to know that they have crossed a line.

It doesn't matter if you smash up an xbox or take away a phone - it's only a 'thing'... they have a house to live in and meals, and education - things that people less fortunate than themselves, in third world countries would fight for. Even in these so called civilised nations, there are families surviving through food banks etc.

F you want him to have a phone so you can contact him, then I would go and get yourself to your nearest second hand electoral place and pick him up a nice Nokia 3210 or something from the turn of the century. Put a cheap sim in it and voila!

[NicknameIncomplete]

What you did tonight was the right thing.

Be firm. What is he going to do? So what if he shouts, throws a fit, refuses to eat his dinner. It is himself who he is punishing.

[Bogeyface]

Oh, and take a note of his networks cancellation number, in case he hides the phone. Sims are 99p from Tesco, so if you need to cancel it if he refuses to hand it over, it wont cost HIM the earth to replace it

[Bogeyface]

Another good line is

"I am sorry that you have decided to continue this behaviour. I was ready to give you your phone back, but as you are choosing to carry on like this, you leave me with no option but to keep it until you have apologised and changed your attitude."

It makes it clear that he is CHOOSING to behave like this and could just as easily choose not to. Blaming you is a classic technique, but by refusing to argue about whose fault it is then you are not drawn in.

Repeating the statement of choice works too. The broken record technique makes it clear that no matter what he says or does, you will not engage. That forces a change in them.

Takes some practice, it took me years to work that one out!

[missymayhemsmum]

Sorry bongo, you're doing great. Good luck tomorrow, and hope you feel better soon, and that the little treasure mends his ways and brings you breakfast in bed.

[bongobaby]

He had dinner,bath and is in bed now. Hopefully once he has slept he will wake up with a new look on his ways. I really can't be arsed listening to him if he wants to ramp it up again, Will not engage.