To think that you are not having a contract phone

[bongobaby]

My ds has thrown a stop this morning saying I am ruining his life because he can't be normal like all of his friends. Reason being is that his phone brought as a birthday present isn't on a contract but on pay as you go. " All my friends are on contract and I'm not normal" "All my friends play 12/15 Xbox games"
I am against him playing them and want him to stick to age appropriate games.
He doesn't need a contract phone, this morning he went on and on about it. I need it on a contract and your not being fair mum.

[Dromedary]

My 11 year old deviates from the norm a lot more than that. For instance, she has no mobile phone or any other electronic device (other than a cd player). She has barely commented on it. Isn't it possible to bring up children who aren't obsessed with doing and having exactly the same as everyone else their age? Or am I causing her psychiatric damage by bringing her up a bit differently?

[LeBearPolar]

I don't actually think it is typical for 11 year olds to think that the world revolves around them and their needs - maybe for toddlers, but for that age, I find that they are becoming much more aware of how things affect other people.

The OP's DS's greed, self-absorption and sense of entitlement is unusually so, I would have thought.

[ouryve]

Just RTFT and glad to see you're finding the courage to take charge, Bongo.

The phone needs to be the last thing he gets back, in all of this. Make it clear that he will get it back when he demonstrates the required maturity to own a phone, because, right now, having the phone is making him act in a worryingly irrational manner and it isn't doing him any good (good timing for a headtilt, there).

And going back to something earlier in the thread, DS1 often angles for monetary rewards for things. He'll ask "what do I deserve for that?" and I'll reply with something like "my thanks and gratitude." He'll still ask how much money, but when I remind him that gratitude is a really good thing to experience, he does agree.

[nennypops]

I don't actually think it is typical for 11 year olds to think that the world revolves around them and their needs - maybe for toddlers, but for that age, I find that they are becoming much more aware of how things affect other people.

I think you're right. I can remember going to a school assembly when dd was in Year 6. One of her11 year old classmates read out a poem he had written about his severely disabled older sister. It was so loving and so full of empathy, and it was incredibly moving. Mass outbreak of sniffing and eyewiping all round the hall.

[Ledkr]

It is well documented about the lack of empathy in 11-13 yr olds though, it is to do with their brain paths.

My dd is 12 and very self centred in her family life but will weep at the sight of a homeless person and is very quick to stick up for anyone who is being treated unfairly or unkindly at school.
So I do think there is some truth in it.

The ops son sounds as if he has a few delusions of grandeur on top though and literally needs to be reminded that he is a child and his mum is in charge.

One thing I've learned is to ignore shouts of unfairness and everybody else being allowed stuff (Internet on all night, no bedtimes etc) because it's mostly lies and just an attempt to get their own way.

[Groovee]

My ds gets a PAYG bundle. Gives him 200 minutes and unliimited texts.

I ignore shouts of unfairness. Though both children have had massive changes from being given most things to dad loosing his job and us having to be much more careful. They are much more aware of what they can and can't have.

Just be firm and a broken record. He'll soon get the message.

[armsandtheman]

Hi Bongobaby,
Hope that you're still feeling stronger. So glad you have taken the Xbox and phone. He needs to feel the consequences.

Really hope he does something praiseworthy soon. Would be lovely for you to feel proud of him and him to realise praise feels great. At least at 11 you can turn this around still.

Have a cuppa and gather strength before he returns from school for the weekend!

[kickassangel]

Bongo,do you and ds have any access to counseling?

You have obviously had a lot to deal with and it sounds like you are coping well, but I think you would find it easier to have someone in rl to talk to. Making all the decisions, particularly when faced with an angry child, is stressful, and having someone to talk through how and why to stick to your guns could really help.

I also think your ds is pushing things too much, and if there is a background of problems with his dad, this could be something he needs to talk through. He is being unreasonable and using some tactics that are quite manipulative. He is obviously still a child so remember that you are the adult in charge and take confidence from that. Try to think ahead a little about what you want the outcome to be, how he might react and have a plan ready so that it is less flying by the seat of your pants.

If he won't listen to you, then just carry out the consequences quietly and ignore him. I had a friend who used to hide in her own closet (with a drink and magazine) while her teenage daughter ranted outside the door. My friend is a counsellor and she just removed herself and left her daughter facing a blank doorway until the daughter shut up and realized that her temper tantrum would not work.

When he is ready to talk, can you sit down together and agree what are fair house rules? Like, we each do xxx housework after dinner, because we both benefit from a tidy house. If he has taken part in the discussion then he can see the reasons. If he can't discuss it, then he isn't ready for the responsibility and you go back to mum in charge and him being a child who does as he's told.

I hope there is some hope for your health improving, and don't lose sight of getting help for that, as it can make so much difference to how you can cope.