To think no sex is not like in the movies and if it is the fuck you?

[SoBloodyFrustrated]

Topgun...great sex scene. I want that I thought in my innocence. However sex seems to be more squelchy slapping noises, a few 'ouch get off my hair' and 'ooh can't breathe' followed by avoiding a wet patch than the hours of slow love making and intense snogging.

I thought dh and I were compatible maybe I should LTB!

There's no romantic soundtrack which means everyone can hear every squelch and queef and grunt.

SNORT@'I swallowed, this putting in more effort - so you make the tea'

*thus

I once queefed in DH's face when he was behind me and facing my uhhhh chocolate starfish. There was an awkward silence so I laughed and thus queefed again. I've never seen that in a movie nor do I wish to

How tragic am I? Was thinking about having sex with DH tonight & have decided against it because I changed the sheets today & don't want to mess them up

Use the sofa?

Use a wipeable surface?

DH does that Hells! Anal wotsit that he is. And if we do dtd on clean sheets he's instructing me to "quick, lift your arse!" as soon as we're done

HellsGranny Yup. Glad that's not just me.

I've also never heard
"Hop on, I'm ovulating."
"I'm tired. Can't you go on top?"
"Nope, it's your go again"
"Do we have to?"
"Yes! I'm ovulating! It doesn't have to take long!"
"Ok, but if my knee goes again, you have to go on top until the end of the month"
"Fine, just get on with it"

The romance!

Never seen anyone put a crate full of ironing in front of the bedroom door so that children cant come in.

Nor are there those moments when your mum has let herself in using her key and you have to pretend you are starkers cos you were about to have a bath. At 2.30pm on a Saturday.

vikinglady who says romance is dead it is all hot and steamy in the viking house

Or have to shout, cut your nails you bastard, as dh attacks the love button like edward scissorhands.

oh there is some hollywood sex on tv she was being pummled against a table he was doing that lip biting nonsense she was screaming obviously

Ahh love this thread. I can relate to so many which is worrying but relieving at the same time!!

Was considering dtd tonight but not sure it's wise after reading this as think a giggle fit would be inevitable.

You would never hear the guy saying in snappy tones, 'You have to guide it! Guide my cock in!' , as though I was a pilot ship for Port Vagina. I also love this thread.

Also never hear "up a bit, no not that far, down a bit, left, no my left not your left oh for gods sake give it here!"

"Will you hurry up I've got to be up for work in the morning"

Actually, some scenes in Sex and the City are not that far off. Although most of them still shag with their bras on. Except Samantha.

Have only read about 5 or 6 posts and I'm spluttering with laughter here!!!!

Have only read about 5 or 6 posts and I'm spluttering with laughter here!!!!

Stupid phone!!!

What about sex on the beach? No sand hurting kneecaps or rubbing between the bodies causing friction pains or sand sticking/blowing on to sweaty/oily parts of the body.

No condoms/tampons/ cotton buds washed up on the teach either.

Or dog shit in the grass on the sand dune they are shagging behind.

Yes the clicky hips.
Been on codiene for 3 days this week because of Tuesday's shag.
I'm old and broken.

Testicles like turkey giblets - and what about when you've been 'down there' (christmas/birthdays etc ) and you don't like to ermm swallow, so you have to carefully 'disengage' climb off the bed, try not to look like you're RACING to the bathroom to spit it out - whilst not ruining his afterglow - gawd the logistics