To think no sex is not like in the movies and if it is the fuck you?

[SoBloodyFrustrated]

Topgun...great sex scene. I want that I thought in my innocence. However sex seems to be more squelchy slapping noises, a few 'ouch get off my hair' and 'ooh can't breathe' followed by avoiding a wet patch than the hours of slow love making and intense snogging.

I thought dh and I were compatible maybe I should LTB!

And who looks that good in the morning, sexy bed hair, no smeared make up, all casually erotic in a mans oversized white shirt?
I put my weetabix stained joggers back on afterwards and look like worzel gummidge in the morning.

And they need change their underwear either.

No one gets bored or sore or gets tired of being man handled.

And it's always amazing. No one ever looks disappointed or has a man with such a small penis ya can't feel a thing,

VikingLady no we can't manage it either due to nearly a foot height difference! I had to put a stop to DH's fantasy of shower sex as it was looking very much like one or both of us would end up in A&E..

Sex for hours ? . Fuck that, would infringe far too much on the gin session surely?

This thread is just what I needed after a shit day. Very funny. Thank you.

And what's with all the cuddling??? Don't they get too hot and sticky and itchy from the condom and desperate to wash up

I am enjoying this thread, I must say I go toilet after sex, usually after my flat mate leaves my bed cos we usually snuggle for about half hour after, he has a comfy chest to sleep on but I always make him use something despite being on the pill and having an implant cos we aren't exclusive and he's and me too scared to commit

Aww what I wouldn't give for someone who can make me tingle by just touching my waist and cuddling me, and someone who I can get lost in. sighs,

Why does the women never roll out of bed and ask, 'cock wipe?' 'Penis beaker?' 'Cup of tea?'

Been there SomethingkindaOod, DP's 6'2" and I'm 5'3". I nearly went through the bloody shower screen!

I just want to add I have never heard someone explain how they take skinny jeans off so beautifully. I definitely do the march too.

All the sex faces look gorgeous. Have you really seen what an orgasm face really looks like?

VikingLady I've never found a way of doing it standing up with DP! DP is a lot taller than me so gets bad knees trying to get down to my height!

I just throw a towel at DP when we've finished, again, so romantic.

This is a really bad time to mention that 'that' scene from Ghost is currently on tv, isnt it....

In films, post coital pillow talk doesn't include "oh fuck did you put the black bin out?"

I have an idea for a film sex scene, it's gross, but real and a bit scary. I'd like Jolie to play the lead, she could carry this off nicely I think.

Picture the scene... A certain lady who shall remain nameless is upduffed and very large. Horny as hell (hormones) but sex obviously calls for inventiveness position wise (hello doggy style). So away they go, this lady and her DH, all is going swimmingly behind when she begins to feel a little "inflated". Now air getting in there is normal, but as we know everything gets a little more relaxed when we're preggers (cheers hormones) and this lady's fanjo starts to go up like a balloon.

She thinks about stopping but she's all done and knows he's close so surely she can wait? There can't be much more can fit in there after all? What's the worst that could happen?

So the DH is done and the lady carefully begins to lower her tummy down flat in the hope that she can expel the air quietly in a controlled manner. No. No she can't she realises too late as the loudest fanny fart known to woman emerges from between her cheeks! She rolls onto her back, still guffing like a tractor exhaust as she shuffles up the bed trying to clamp together her legs in vain.

The never ending queef continues, and she realises to her horror that it isn't just air being expelled with force from within, everything else is shooting out as well! The DH has scrambled to the bottom of the bed, clinging to the corner with a look of horror and confusion on his face as he watches his carefully given offering being fired back towards him at a rate of knots. "you're vagina is fucking exploding!" he manages to shout over the noise, "what's happening?". By this point she is rolling from side to side laughing hysterically because what else is there to do?! Each laugh brings a fresh wave of farts and the DH looks like he might pass out. Finally the farting subsides, and peace is restored. The DH looks a bit pale at the realisation that pregnancy isn't all just cute babies and cravings and that vaginas can do weird and scary things. He'll never know when it might attack again...

Top Gun? Pfft. I much prefer Heartburn.

My fair lady as Jack Nicholson, me playing Meryl Streep, and the giant bowl of carbonara replaced by a bottle of whisky and a plate of burgers.

Of course, anyone who's seen Heartburn knows that's the aftermath. The "before/during" resembles a very different kind of movie...

In films they never catch a glimpse of themselves in the wardrobe mirror with their tits clanging about round their waist whilst astride their man!
They never say 'quick, gerroff I can't breathe

VikingLady, psst

They never queef or do that thing where you cough and accidentally expel your partner with force.

You never hear the tits/chest mega-squelch, either.

Nor the twang of condom being yanked gently removed from the deflating nob.

Nor the dubious-in-the-cold-light-of-day-Jesus-did-I-really-say-that? dirty talk.

hilarious thread and what's more - yay, we ARE normal after all!

I'd just love to see a penis beaker on a movie.
Maybe it will pop in a comedy.

Do you think Sheldon would have one, if he ever, ever DTD?

I love this thread.

It is making me feel so much better about the way I sometimes get the giggles because I'm ticklish, or DH and I will quote random bits of Friends to each other - does anyone else remember Monica, after her first shag with Chandler - "We are doing that AGAIN!"

Anyone ever seen the film teeth ?

Now that's an ending to a sex scene. No penis beaker though no penis either