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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think no sex is not like in the movies and if it is the fuck you?

209 replies

SoBloodyFrustrated · 10/01/2014 20:22

Topgun...great sex scene. I want that I thought in my innocence. However sex seems to be more squelchy slapping noises, a few 'ouch get off my hair' and 'ooh can't breathe' followed by avoiding a wet patch than the hours of slow love making and intense snogging.

I thought dh and I were compatible maybe I should LTB! Grin

OP posts:
UsedToBeNDP · 10/01/2014 20:24

Seriously, who's got hours?!

Original poster
SoBloodyFrustrated · 10/01/2014 20:24

Typo, should be 'Then' in the title and no my name has nothing to do with the topic!!

OP posts:
Joysmum · 10/01/2014 20:25

Clearly I too should LTB

Lots of squelching and instructions in this house too. As for hours or lovemaking, I can't be arsed with all that and need my sleep!

Sparklingbrook · 10/01/2014 20:25

yes and penises with homing devices.

Cbeebijeebies · 10/01/2014 20:26

Sex is a noisy affair. No way about it though I've learnt a few ways to avoid fanny farts over the years Grin

Also, balls make me laugh. If you're in a position where they slap about I can't concentrate and just burst into laughter (which I don't think does any wonders for DP's ego...)

Catsmamma · 10/01/2014 20:26

never mind movie sex...I sure as hell couldn't go through new sex again.

i am not training up another ...all that wondering what the hell they are doing/thinking/looking for, what IS that noise? you want me where?

oh are we not done?

No siree...it's Nunsville for me if I leave the current MrCatsmamma.

SPsMrLoverManSHABBA · 10/01/2014 20:26

Do you also not go downstairs afterwards, wrapped in a white sheet with hair and make up perfect, to make eggs?

Doesn't everyone?? GrinGrinGrin

I want to know how women take off their skinny jeans sexily!

I have to pull from the bottom, hop when get a leg out, lay on bed etc

It's not possible to be done a sexy way

Cbeebijeebies · 10/01/2014 20:27

And if sex lasts longer than about 10-20 minutes (after foreplay) then I just get tired & CBA. Such a laydeeee Grin

LaurieFairyCake · 10/01/2014 20:28

Have to agree - I'd never go through NEW sex again.

When this one dies or fucks off I'm nunning too. Or knitting.

Original poster
SoBloodyFrustrated · 10/01/2014 20:29

I'm also baffled by apparent sex scene followed by rolling off and she still has her underwear on, what's he done yanked them to one side?!

OP posts:
DownstairsMixUp · 10/01/2014 20:29

Or in movies they do that mad passionate sex where they kinda throw each other into walls/tables/machines everything goes flying but they are so up for a shag they don't care. Hmm if that was me I'd probably be worrying about the mess/wondering if something broke and probably ouching if DP threw me on a table or something.

StupidMistakes · 10/01/2014 20:32

Ahhh sex, yes, the good, the bad and the not worth pulling your knickers down!

I want someone who is going to come up behind me in the kitchen and kiss my neck, move the hair away from my face, spin me around and kiss me and then take me to bed, and then make love to me, I love it a bit rough

However my current fwb does come to bed, we will lay head on chest as he runs his fingers through my hair, and then his hand down to my waist and lets it rest there, so gently sighs god last night was good

hes gentle and considerate but I miss some of the rough though, maybe I need to teach him a few things hes younger than me but then he needs to be to keep up with my needs He is also very good in bed and I wouldn't mind being his girl but he don't do relationships Sad Blush

AreYouBlueOrAreYouBlind · 10/01/2014 20:32

Why doesn't anybody get leg cramps either? You know, you're at it then all of a sudden ow, Ow, FUCKING OW! Just let me move my leg a bit, thanking you.

SPsMrLoverManSHABBA · 10/01/2014 20:34

I get butt cheek cramp!

I love new man sex. Well only if goes well GrinGrin

DownstairsMixUp · 10/01/2014 20:35

Leg cramps are the WORST when you are, ahem, near the end. You want to finish but your leg is cramped bad, I do a kinda weird twist with my leg whilst trying to not lose the "moment!"

Catsmamma · 10/01/2014 20:36

Hip cramp. #47yearsold

Binkyridesagain · 10/01/2014 20:36

why do you never see anyone reaching for the spermy sex towel?

Original poster
SoBloodyFrustrated · 10/01/2014 20:37

Or the penis beaker?!

OP posts:
DownstairsMixUp · 10/01/2014 20:37

Or the woman quickly dashing off for the loo to clear up?!

Binkyridesagain · 10/01/2014 20:39

They never seem to get stuck together when they've been cuddling for too long and the body juices are at the drying but slightly tacky stage.

MollyHooper · 10/01/2014 20:40

SP the trick with skinny jeans is to pull them down, lay on the bed and have the guy try and tug them off your feet.

"Ready? 1, 2, 3 pullllll"

Tis very romantic not. :o

Sparklingbrook · 10/01/2014 20:41

Don't your pants come off with them Molly, or is that the idea? Grin

MollyHooper · 10/01/2014 20:42

Depends on how skinny the jeans are. :o

Back2Two · 10/01/2014 20:43

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn due to privacy concerns

PlentyOfPubeGardens · 10/01/2014 20:43

They never queef or do that thing where you cough and accidentally expel your partner with force.