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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think no sex is not like in the movies and if it is the fuck you?

209 replies

SoBloodyFrustrated · 10/01/2014 20:22

Topgun...great sex scene. I want that I thought in my innocence. However sex seems to be more squelchy slapping noises, a few 'ouch get off my hair' and 'ooh can't breathe' followed by avoiding a wet patch than the hours of slow love making and intense snogging.

I thought dh and I were compatible maybe I should LTB! Grin

OP posts:
bumpertobumper · 10/01/2014 22:21

what does queef mean? loving this thread.

StupidMistakes · 10/01/2014 22:22

Here, Skinny jeans, especially when extremely tight and very nice looking, are like a chastity belt, you need bolt cutters to get them off!

ouryve · 10/01/2014 22:23

My inside leg is 28" and DH's is 33". Standing up is never going to happen.

I've never heard "oww my hip's just clicked get off me!" in a film.

And DH has long hair and I always end up spitting it out. Never see that, either. Hair always behaves perfectly.

PlentyOfPubeGardens · 10/01/2014 22:26

ouryve you need one of these

You never hear 'ow, you're lying on my hair' or 'no, that's my deodorant, try the other one'

ouryve · 10/01/2014 22:32

Explaining, at A&E, how I fell off it would be interesting.

AdmiralData · 10/01/2014 22:34

You never hear 'Owwwww it won't fit!'. Sad

Kyz · 10/01/2014 22:36

This thread has had me in stitches! Brilliant!

WallyBantersJunkBox · 10/01/2014 22:40

We stayed at a theme park hotel for an event night a few months ago. They had a pool with the most amazing changing room shower - like a walk in coil with mood lights and 6 kinds of spray jet.

In a rare energized mood we stripped off and got in for standing up shower film sex, DH got a bit over excited with the water gushing down - trying to make tidal waves on my back, I ended up slipping down the wall and trying to keep my balance like Bambi on all fours on the floor. I couldn't straighten up as my hip clicked and had to have a towel shoved under my knees and feet so that I could scramble back up.

I ended up finishing him off whilst sitting on the fold down disabled seat. Blush

At least my conditioner had a nice long soak.

FracturedViewOfLife · 10/01/2014 22:49

My leg/hip makes a loud painful pop every now and then and goes stiff so I have to stop and pop it back again. It makes me sound 70 but it has been happening since I was 18/19 Blush

LittleMissRedSparklyBaubles · 10/01/2014 22:53

Wally now that is the kind of porn I would pay good money to watch Grin

Justlikethemovies · 10/01/2014 22:54

I can't understand why no one has ever snapped their banjo string in a movie. Its dramatic. And has plennnntttttyyyyy of drama.

WordOfTheDay · 10/01/2014 22:58

What's a penis beaker? I'm confused by something said above.

MollyHooper · 10/01/2014 22:59

Wally I'm in stitches. :o

elspethmcgillicuddy · 10/01/2014 23:11

Word- does your DH not have a penis beaker to wash his bits after sex? I thought everyone had one... We all do on MN

How does he get clean otherwise?

grumpyoldbat · 10/01/2014 23:20

It never seems to hurt in the movies, does it?

WordOfTheDay · 10/01/2014 23:20

Elspeth, He wipes his bits dry with a small towel that's kept near our bed and is thrown into the laundry basket the morning after DTD. What's the beaker for? Sloshing water over his wotsit at the sink??

FortyDoorsToNowhere · 10/01/2014 23:25

I once did have sex like in the movies.

Think alone the lines of American pie 1

Coumarin · 10/01/2014 23:26

Ah The Penis Beaker, the gift that keeps on giving.

notso · 10/01/2014 23:33

Glad it's not just me wyldchyld Grin

My jaw pops out when I give DH a blow job, it's not painful at the time, actually quite useful [smug] however quite un-romantic when it's over and I have to pop it back in with drool and cum dripping out the corners of my mouth.

WallyBantersJunkBox · 10/01/2014 23:38

I only wish I'd been as dainty as sweet little Bambi.

meddie · 10/01/2014 23:41

No one ever fanny farts in the movies. I was aghast the first time it happened. Didnt know what the hell had happened, just looked down at his bits and said "what the fuck have you got down their! a bicycle pump?" Kind of killed the mood.

SomethingkindaOod · 10/01/2014 23:42

The last time me and DH had outdoor sex my parents (who were babysitting) thought we had been attached on our way home. We got a bit frisky against a tree, I ripped the back of my top and had a massive bleeding scratch all down my back, then DH fell over something when we were heading back home. We got through the door and my Mum almost cried, DH was really muddy and had what turned out to be a black eye and my top was ripped right down the back. And I was bleeding. We had to confess. Blush
On the upside the sex was great Grin
Never seen that happen in films either....

Thisvehicleisreversing · 10/01/2014 23:43

No one in the movies reaches down to check they haven't shit themselves either.

When balls are banging against your arse and it's a bit wet down there it sometimes feels like you've shit yourself. Doesn't it ladies?

prays I'm not the only one

LEMoncehadacatcalledSANTA · 10/01/2014 23:47

This vehicle sorry luv its just you

WallyBantersJunkBox · 10/01/2014 23:48

I always wonder at what point they stopped and spread the duvet and pillows on the floor in some films.

I mean you never see the guy stopping the passion and bending over & smoothing out the quilt over the coconut matting with his testicles dangling between his thighs and bumhole like turkey giblets in the butchers shop window.

Yet they seem to end on the floor in a plumped up pile of Oxford square pillows and crisp white puffy eiderdowns.