To think no sex is not like in the movies and if it is the fuck you?

[SoBloodyFrustrated]

Topgun...great sex scene. I want that I thought in my innocence. However sex seems to be more squelchy slapping noises, a few 'ouch get off my hair' and 'ooh can't breathe' followed by avoiding a wet patch than the hours of slow love making and intense snogging.

I thought dh and I were compatible maybe I should LTB!

FlankShaftMcWap I just nearly died laughing at your film idea that was genius.

Did something similar happen to you, by any chance?

Flank your story made me laugh, a lot, thanks :)

Someone mentioned the "ball slap" move up thread, that never fails to give me the giggles which is definitely a bit of a passion killer. Funny how no mention of it in movie sex.

Maybe... Possibly yes.

I also giggle at ball slapping, I do try not too! If only DH knew why I was really biting my lip!

They never have a SparklyHound lolloping up in the middle of the bed sniffing your sex bits and attempting to lick the man's deflated bollocks either.

We have been known to do the deed in the garden shed after coming home from a night out to avoid said hound and teenagers still being awake. There is nothing romantic or erotic about huffing about around garden implements at speed as the babysitter needs to be home in five.

*to not too.

FlankShaftMcWap I think this is the first time I have genuinely LOLd! I may have done this whilst pg..... But I definitely never queefed goo back over his thighs. Nope, not me.....

I daren't try anything in the bathroom. I don't want to explain to the paramedics, and I am certain one of us would slip and die with a tap jammed up our nose.

I find that film sex scenes also tend to skim over arguing about whose turn it is to go on top and do all the work when ttc. Nor does anyone have to stop partway through and replace the slats under the mattress of the shit bed!

I'd actually be a bit turned on by that shed scenario, LittleMiss

Side-note - was I the only person who absolutely weed myself laughing at Teeth? The other half refuses to watch it.

Thank you for the memories, Gileswithachainsaw!

I did too :o

The dog :o

The worst about movie sex for me is how they manage to have clean sex in an office, in office clothes, with thongs, no huge pads, and no stains.

Flank, funny scene

Viking I'm so glad I'm not alone! I had to name change in shame last time I shared a sex gone wrong story, now I don't have to shuffle off and change again

So Bloody Frustrated - Despite being slightly obsessed with aibu for about a year and NEVER having commented on a thread - you're penis beaker comment made me spit out my wine laughing. Amazing! Haha

We got a new bed recently. A chap in work was making jibes about 'christening' the bed. I laughed saying something blasé about just getting the job done. He claimed he can 'never have enough'... Clearly has never ttc so....!!

And what about the food knobbage scenes? You just can't lick a body lathered in chocolate and make it look sexy..I end up looking like a toddler who's stuffed a whole chocolate bar in their mouth. God I'm sexy

It's the thought of chest hair and melted stuff mixing that really, really makes me want to vomit!

Viking I am just 5'3 and a bit and DH is 6'4' we managed it once in the very early adventurous days. It was in a greenhouse and I stood on a plant pot!

I am of all you skinny jeans wearers. The only thing I ever have to remove is my baggy old PJ bottoms.
I am also feeling as I merrily fall asleep in the post-coital cuddle with no urge to rush off to the bathroom only to be woken up a couple of hours later by DH telling me to roll over because I'm snoring

Now, you can't lick a body covered in chocolate when he has chest hair Those hairs just get in your teeth.

Ooow I do like outdoor sex I would happily also christen our bathroom, kitchen, stairs, anywhere and everywhere with flatmate but there are 2 other boys and that's not nice for them, though said flatmate has said im welcome too, he doesn't mind, so long as I bleach sides etc after. pmsl. I haven't yet, its remained strictly in beds

Flank I genuinely just weed myself a little bit. I was drinking a huge pint of water, and it came out of my nose, my mouth and the other end I laughed so, so hard!

And no-one in the history of film has ever been in a "strange" mood when the other half starts to initiate sex and has been talking crap which makes the other half start to giggle and giggle and giggle...

NOT that I have ever done that by talking about Womble sex...

Womble Sex!?! Now I'm really boggling!

I wear skinny jeans.... unfortunately cos I have lost weight they come off quite easily, I can wiggle my bum out of them, and just slide them down.

On the other hand tho flatmate tends to come to me in bed when I am already in bed, sometimes even asleep!! and that tends to mean I am only in my underwear

I refuse to wear skinny jeans if there's a chance of sex anymore.

Last time I didn't quite get all the way out of them, tripped, banged my head and then had to go back into the bedroom hoping he didn't notice the fact that I had a bruise on my forehead and was probably concussed

notso - I proudly snuggle post coitus and leave clean up til the morning. Meh. Doesn't bother me. In fact, I have been known to have a "gentleman's wash" and fling my clothes on with a lot of deodorant if I have accidentally run late the next morning then had a bath / shower later.

FryOne - it was more to do with the fact I had (and occasionally still do get) a bout of MASSIVE verbal diarrhoea. He'd been talking about the Wombles (I've never seen them) and then was getting frisky. I was still talking about the Wombles. Simples hehe

I can't remember half the stupid stuff I say during sex / foreplay / cuddle! I'll try and remember in future, apparently some of it is comedy gold.