To think no sex is not like in the movies and if it is the fuck you?

[SoBloodyFrustrated]

Topgun...great sex scene. I want that I thought in my innocence. However sex seems to be more squelchy slapping noises, a few 'ouch get off my hair' and 'ooh can't breathe' followed by avoiding a wet patch than the hours of slow love making and intense snogging.

I thought dh and I were compatible maybe I should LTB!

I bet no one on the movies loses the use of thier legs after orgasm and have thier dp have to roll them over like a beached whale nor do they pass out cold.

They never seem to get suffocated by other halves armpit hair and extraordinarily long skin tag

BumWad - have you been DTD with my other half?! =p

Word have you really never used a penis beaker??

DP has been so excited to have sex (recently had a baby) he rushed to get his clothes off....stubbed his toe, screamed like a 5year old girl in a toyshop and then curled up in a ball and cried.

5 minuted later got up and mumbled "you done that on purpose i new you didn't want sex". Sorry but i didnt magic the bed leg in front of your toe.

You will never see that in a movie!!!

Fuck, we've found the one person on the internet who doesn't know what the Penis Beaker is! I think we can close down Mumsnet now.

word It refers to a thread posted a few months back that went viral. Very very viral. Unbelievably viral. It was on the news and everything - even crashed MN a bit.

And mine????

There's nothing quite like a bit of MN honesty to make you feel completely normal!

Made me laugh after a night without sleep and stuff going wrong. Feel so much better.

Two more things you never see in films:
Carpet burns, (really bloody hurt!)
Seizing the moment and having sex while dinner is cooking - but making dinner had involved chopping chillies! Chilli burns on genitals = much screaming and rushing to nearest tap to try and stop the pain.

I've never seen anyone in the movies at 40+ weeks pregnant say to their DH 'just fucking shag me to get this child out. It won't hurt the baby although it might hurt you because I weigh 13 stone now.'

Not that I've ever said this. Oh no. I've said it and I'll say it again in 6 weeks time no doubt

To think we had movie sex on a balcony in Mexico once. Sigh.

Reading this makes me miss spontaneous "stop the dinner sex" and shower sex

5 DC and no family nearby means everything has to be planned down to the second!

Seriously, has anyone here actually had sex for hours?

Is it even possible?

And wouldn't it be really, really dull?

I can't concentrate on anything for that long.

Elspeth and MeanandMeasly
OK, have found other thread. I'm not on social media, nor in UK/IRL (for news). I am on MN daily though..... Thank you for putting an end to my ignominy .

I am so relieved to hear I'm not the only one who gets pre-climax cramps in their calves, god it's horrible!

As for jumping out of bed and dashing to the bathroom to clean up, SOD THAT, I just whip out a heavy duty sanitary pad from my bedside table and put that in my knickers for the night. #RomanceIsntDead

In films they nip off for some daytime rude, then go back to work or whatever after v quickly getting dressed. That must involve a pad of some sort?

Havent ever heard in the movies 'go brush your teeth fag breath' before jumping into bed.

Ahhh yes I remember it well....
Memories are made of this...
Thanks for the memories...

yes and penises with homing devices.

I really did just LOL at this does your husband not just glide in then sparkling

there is also the hollywood sheets for afterwards he has it down his waist and she has it over her chest NOBodies sheets do that

" "Your vagina is fucking exploding" he shouts over the noise"

Is the funniest sentence I have ever read - hyperventilating here!!

Desks, coffee table, dining table, kitchen sides are always at the right height in the movies.

Their bare arses never stick to the leather sofa.

The dog never nicks their used underwear.

The cat never sits on the chest of drawers giving scores out of 10.

Sex in cars never involves a gear stick in the wrong place.

sex boots

DH's sex face puts me in mind of an elderly Labrador with its head stuck in a gurning ring.

Never seen that in the films.

DH's sex face puts me in mind of an elderly Labrador with its head stuck in a gurning ring.

I think that's the funniest thing I've ever read