To think no sex is not like in the movies and if it is the fuck you?

[SoBloodyFrustrated]

Topgun...great sex scene. I want that I thought in my innocence. However sex seems to be more squelchy slapping noises, a few 'ouch get off my hair' and 'ooh can't breathe' followed by avoiding a wet patch than the hours of slow love making and intense snogging.

I thought dh and I were compatible maybe I should LTB!

Prolonged foreplay - sometimes DH drags out the foreplay, which is good for a bit and then I lose my mojo.
Would it be wrong to say "oh for fuck sake I'm up for, lets crack on!"

I could tell him, but it might just be best to LTB

It's only going to get worse they're making a film about Fifty Shades of Shite

Molly, but if they did your fanjo would be there winking at him as he pulled the jeans/pants off.

I did wonder Back but spellcheck didn't underline penises.

I've been doing it wrong, with my skinny jeans I pull them down to my knees then dramatically march on the spot until I'm able to stand on a jean leg and yank them off..I thought this was the norm!

That's the approved way I think So.

Or the moment when he's fumbling about in the drawer looking for the condoms (if you use them) saying "where did you put them?" "I'm sure they were in here the other night". Then the awkward moment when he's putting it on and you're lying there like a spare part

RE: skinny jeans. I lay on the bed, legs up (very ladylike) and yank from the bottoms till they are pretty much off then shake them on the floor. I give my DP such treats.

plentyofpubes for the first time in my life i actually have lol'ed at a post. well, sniggered.

Shall we talk mirrors on the ceiling? That would send me straight into gales of male ego deflating giggles...as did the cat hitching a ride on DPs back during the act.

But wouldn't sex for hours...well, chafe after a bit?

Skinny jeans were never a good idea, were they?

And of course don't forget the trying to have sex within 30 seconds flat because the teens are due back.

Or having sex in the garage.

Funny how you never hear any "ow, that's a nipple not the car radio tuner" either..
The first sex scene I ever saw was The Tall Guy and I would have loved to have a room wrecking shag like that. Now it tends to be more along the lines of giggling, shushing each other and squelching...

The title reminds me of, "Eats, Shoots and Leaves".

Never here them say 'oops, sorry, wrong hole.....' Either lol

If you cough afterwards when they're finished but not yet departed it doesn't go down very well...

And when the women just go to sleep after in the movies. I mean. EWW. Stuff naturally starts coming out, even if you're lying down (eventually). Who the hell goes to bed straight after?

I sometimes have trouble holding it all in before I can dash to the bathroom, but luckily my thighs are a bit fat and none of it ends up on the floor...AHEM TMI

How can you avoid queefing? And nobody ever gets a pube stick in their throat/teeth in the films. And they manage to do it standing up, the mechanics of which have always escaped me hopelessly uncoordinated

In films they don't seem too troubled by shagnasty morning breath either.

Nobody in films ever has smelly feet either after being in socks & boots all day. Which I am always a bit conscious of while being helped out of my skinny jeans

fuzzywuzzy. Lube!

Its the much shorter women/taller man standing up from behind combo that confuses me.

I have tried it on occasion and it just does not work well. Well, not all smooth sexy movements anyway!

Or the really grim ones where they shag all night, fall asleep then get up straight out of bed and put their clothes on. Or they shag fall asleep, wake up eyeballing each other then start snogging..urgh! Dog..breath.

Oh I'd love some garage sex headless but we don't have a garage

I have several times tried to persuade DH we should get a van (house full of teens here too ).

No-one in films has a spare arm! This annoys me greatly.

Neither do they get hysterical giggles because they can't help thinking how silly the whole business in when you think about it.

Something DH asked me to enquire about: are we the only couple in the whole entire world who find it difficult to make our heights match (iyswim) when standing? We are determined to manage it one day, but I don't think standing on phone books is safe!