To think no sex is not like in the movies and if it is the fuck you?

[SoBloodyFrustrated]

Topgun...great sex scene. I want that I thought in my innocence. However sex seems to be more squelchy slapping noises, a few 'ouch get off my hair' and 'ooh can't breathe' followed by avoiding a wet patch than the hours of slow love making and intense snogging.

I thought dh and I were compatible maybe I should LTB!

Flank, I am actually crying with laughter at your film idea! And I'm trying to explain to a nearly 4yo why mummy is laughing so hard!

I do feel sorry for those who find it difficult standing up because of height differences. Shower sex is great fun and very convenient if you get the urge during a period.

mrsjay what is this 'gliding in' that you speak of?

well it seems to be all gliding in in the films no fumbling about

YY I was worried that you had experience of this in RL mrsjay.

urm yes my husband just gets it right first time i thought everybodies did

Weirdly though the animal kingdom manage it don't they?

oh i dunno there is a funny video I saw on rude tube of a giraffe falling off a lady giraffe his aim was rubbish

Morning movie sex - she wakes up with a Kate Middleton blow-dry and snogs him with no fear of morning breath and apparently, no fear of getting pregnant or catching a STI, as condoms do not exist in Hollywood.

morning sex makes me want to heave I HATE IT and think i did it once

I hope the Daily mail doesn't get hold of this thread.

Period sex - now that takes me back. I used to love it, always helped alleviate a stomach pain, sensual, intimate, trusting....

Now all I can think about is getting Red Snapper pate off the sheets.

Mmm. Not seen period sex in a film. Ever.

Can I just say; thank you to everyone on this thread. at 22, having only had 2 partners and no courage to speak to another person - I had no idea what was and wasn't normal for sex. I'm extremely glad that i'm not bizarre for not being able to cuddle for hours due to... er. . "vagina expelliamus"

Well if the 50 shades film stays true to the book you might!

The closest that film sex has ever got to emulating my RL encounters was the Bridget Jones/Daniel Cleaver big knickers scene. I used to have those exact pants. :( I sadly had them on under a frock one night in hope of snaring a young man... forgot I had them on until he nearly punched himself in the face trying to prise them from my body later that night. :(

• Marmalde poor fella

I am crying with laughter at this thread. Will share it with DH when he gets up (nightshift this weekend). We often have this very conversation!

When giving a blow job in the movies, the woman does not horrifyingly discover a piece of toilet paper adhering to her partner's penis. Furthermore, if such a case actually were to arise, she would not SIMPLY CARRY ON and swallow the toilet paper, just to get things over asap.

DH's sex face puts me in mind of an elderly Labrador with its head stuck in a gurning ring.

I come back from town and this thread keeps on giving just snorted over the screen, thank god I'm alone in the house right now.

Beeyump, think yourself lucky, at least it means he's washed and wiped it!

Yes they also don't sniff it first and ask him to run it under the shower head....

Yes and they have sex regardless of how busy their day was or how long they have been up or how hot and sweaty they are and you just know their boxers are sweaty and stinky and cheesy yet thy don't shower and get clean

No one ever falls asleep after being up 48 hours they go right ahead and have that shag-a-thon when anyone normal would have passed out from exhaustion.

Never seen any of our perpetual sex arguments in the movies;

1. 'Please don't just take that off and put it on the floor, I don't need to be able to clone you from the carpet' 'You need to get a bin' 'fine chuck it on the floor then'

1. 'I swallowed, thus putting in more effort so you make the tea' 'my hand is crippled from the eternity I spent on you, you make the tea'

1. 'Stop biting me, my neck will bruise' 'I can't help it, anyway nobody is going to look at you with bruises on your neck and assume sex injury, stop flattering yourself'

1. 'Was that ok? anything I can do differently next time?' 'stop asking me for feedback, it's like being at work' (I am DPs superior at work)

Oh and who can keep doing it multiple times? I can't help but think if you can do it 3 times a day you didn't put enough effort in the first couple of times.

Then there's the moment after you've both cum when neither of you have enough energy to move to disingage and separate. Then when you do, it's like a tree being felled as you fall off!