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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being unreasonable? Christmas, ex, and my mum

211 replies

oldbaghere · 17/12/2013 11:42

Issue from my other thread but I am raging and may have lost perspective.

My mum is terminal. Pancreatic cancer diagnosed yesterday.

Asked my ex if he would swap and let me have the kids on chrostmas day.

He consulted with his family and says no.

Aibu to think that's totally unfair and he is a cunt?

His SIL had to be consulted. She does year about. She said no and refused to swap, apparently.

OP posts:
TheNightIsDark · 17/12/2013 11:46

I wouldn't hand them over personally. It falls on your day to have them anyway if you're RP I assume?

Sorry about your mum.

Original poster
oldbaghere · 17/12/2013 11:47

It is his year to have them we do alternate Xmas and Boxing Day.

His SIL does rigid year about with my in laws and her family.

OP posts:
Featherbag · 17/12/2013 11:50

Can you appeal to ex's mum? You know - what if this was definitely going to be your last Christmas, how would you feel if I refused to let you spend it with your DGCs? Cos that's what your son is doing to my mum.

MaidOfStars · 17/12/2013 11:54

Go to his Mum. Tell her the full story.

Does your Ex appreciate how serious the situation is?

Fairy1303 · 17/12/2013 11:57

i'm so sorry to hear about your mum.

no, yanbu.
it's completely reasonable toexpect a little compassion and compromise.

Fairy1303 · 17/12/2013 11:58

good idea to appeal to EXMIL

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 17/12/2013 11:58

What Featherbag said and what is it to do with SIL anyway?

I'm so sorry to hear about your mum, oldbaghere.

moldingsunbeams · 17/12/2013 12:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 17/12/2013 12:03

I'm sorry about your situation but I can understand people not wanting to change Christmas plans at this late stage. Can you not do something nice with the children and your mum on Xmas or at New Year instead?

Original poster
oldbaghere · 17/12/2013 12:05

I just am so angry he has no empathy at all. It's a compounding of me and my family being 2nd class citizens in his eyes.

OP posts:
Original poster
oldbaghere · 17/12/2013 12:06

We all love within half an hour radius. I have never ever ever asked to swap ever. It's not fair.

OP posts:
pianodoodle · 17/12/2013 12:09

Sorry to hear about your mum.

If it was me I wouldn't ask I'd just tell them it was happening but then I haven't been in your situation so don't know how easy that would be to do.

TravellingToad · 17/12/2013 12:16

I wouldn't be handing them over. Fuck it. Go to your mums a few days before and have a lovely christmas.

I'm so sorry your mum is ill :(

I also second the advice about appealing to exMIL

Nanny0gg · 17/12/2013 12:20

Sorry about your mum (been there at the same time of year).

Do you think SiL doesn't know the full story? Can you speak to her and his mum directly?

How old are your DCs? Do they know and can they express a preference?

KellyEllyMincePieBelly · 17/12/2013 12:37

Do your children live with you the majority of the time? If so, just keep them at your house. He's being inflexible - join him in his unreasonableness Xmas Grin

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 17/12/2013 12:43

Sorry to hear about your mum, I've been there, it's awful.

Can't you just not hand them over this year and then deal with the consequences after. God, if they can't be flexible at a time like this they must be total shits!

HopAlongOnItsOnlyChristmas · 17/12/2013 12:44

I'm sorry about your mum. I would second trying to speak to his family again. Do you think he just doesn't understand or that he's willfully being a twat?

tripecity · 17/12/2013 12:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BarbarianMum · 17/12/2013 13:10

I think this Christmas Day is going to be a very emotionally fraught one for you all - depending on the age of your children, perhaps it may be easier for them to be elsewhere.

You are in shock right now, which is understandable and unavoidable Sad and there are no right answers for this bit. All I can advise is to make what good memories you can w your mum but not get too hung up on actual events (one last Christmas Day, New Year's Day, birthday) because that can break you.

How well is your mum right now? Can she manage a full family Christmas? Does she want one, or would she rather spend some time just w you/your siblings? Does she want life to proceed as normal (insofar as it can)?

Sorry if any of the above sounds hurtful, I really, really don't mean it to bebe Sad.

bluestar2 · 17/12/2013 13:34

I'm sorry abt your mum. This news is so fresh to you so it's perfectly reasonable what your asking.

I would go to mil or maybe sil thought fuck knows what it's got to do with her and explain its important for your children to have this with their grandmother and if the tbles were turned how would they feel if you were so unbending. Ultimately though they would be staying with me whether he liked it or not.

I lost my mum this year to cancer. She had a terminal diagnosis 18 months ago. We believed that Christmas was her last but we got a extra year as she responded well. It was a huge bonus. What I learnt though is don't wait for the occasion to make it special spoil her and enjoy her while she is able for it. Most of all don't have regrets. If you feel you will regret allowing them to go then don't.

I hope your ex locates his heart soon.

ballstoit · 17/12/2013 14:27

So sorry that you're in this situation Sad

I think from here on, life is about keeping stress to an absolute minimum, you haven't got the time or energy to waste. If he won't swap, and it doesn't sound like there's room for discussion, have a fabulous Christmas day with your Mum and DC on Boxing Day. The date is not important,being with family and making memories is.

Perhaps you could have a very different pampering day for you and your Mum on Christmas Day itself? Snuggle up together on the sofa, watch DVDs, eat grown up luxury food like smoked salmon and dark chocolates. Then make the following day the action packed, fun filled family day.

Don't forget to look after yourself, the next few days/weeks/months will be incredibly tough. Lean on friends...in real life and online...sleep as much as you can and prioritise yourself, your Mum and your DC over everything else.

Sending an unmumsnetty hug (and remember it could be worse, you could still be living with the prick Wink )

Original poster
oldbaghere · 17/12/2013 20:57

He definitely is'nt going to swap he got one of the dc to ring me to tell me it made no difference if it was boxing day or christmas day.

he also told me that he is entitled to christmas with his family.

empathy central he is.

i told him to fuck off. i'm not for discussing it with him again. also told dc not to talk to me about it because i didn't want to fall out wtih them but that their father was fucking spineless to get them to do his dirty work

i hope he and ex sil are ready for karma. it's a bitch.

OP posts:
Bubblegoose · 17/12/2013 21:02

So sorry about your mum :( Flowers

If he refuses to budge, can you have your own Christmas Day on Christmas Eve? Do everything exactly the same as you normally would on Christmas Day and the next day when they go to your ex's place the novelty will have worn off.

Original poster
oldbaghere · 17/12/2013 21:05

i have them boxing day so we will do it then

well at least he's proved he's an utter cunt and no one can deny it or say it's me. well except him but he doesn't count

OP posts:
asmallandnoisymonkey · 17/12/2013 21:17

I'm so sorry to hear about your mum. I think you've proven who is the adult in all of this, and it's definitely not him.

I think you're right to not discuss it with your dc too - if they're old enough to pass messages then they're old enough to make an informed decision and it seems like they've made one they might regret.

I love ballstoit's idea of a lovely day with your mum and kids stuff the next day.

I do hope you manage to have a lovely festive season though x