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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being unreasonable? Christmas, ex, and my mum

211 replies

oldbaghere · 17/12/2013 11:42

Issue from my other thread but I am raging and may have lost perspective.

My mum is terminal. Pancreatic cancer diagnosed yesterday.

Asked my ex if he would swap and let me have the kids on chrostmas day.

He consulted with his family and says no.

Aibu to think that's totally unfair and he is a cunt?

His SIL had to be consulted. She does year about. She said no and refused to swap, apparently.

OP posts:
Original poster
oldbaghere · 18/12/2013 20:36

they are teens but he is leanign on them and leanign on them because it's his famly christmas.

to whoever asked i now offered him as many christmas days as he wanted and he still said no

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ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 18/12/2013 20:37

Your children are grown up. You don't need to go through him. If it just another day then why can't they spend it with their Nana, do it for her, who possibly won't ever see Christmas again?

Original poster
oldbaghere · 18/12/2013 20:37

I can actually type, usually. I'm just shaking. sorry

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birdsnotbees · 18/12/2013 20:38

It's good that you've told them how you feel, but tell your kids how your mum really feels too - then that hideous line about "it not all being about you" doesn't apply.

It's so admirable you don't want to put pressure on your children, it really is, but please please tell them what their grandma wants.

You sound brilliant, by the way.

Original poster
oldbaghere · 18/12/2013 20:39

Apparently he has the right to have them and it's up to him and htey're with him christmas eve yousee so it would mean a fucking row to billyoh

but . the next weekend it's wee cousin's birthday on my weekend and there's a party and can he have the younger two. no.

or mummy's birthday. no

or posh rellie visit. no

not ever ever no will i ever ever say yes to him ever ever again

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Original poster
oldbaghere · 18/12/2013 20:43

This is terrible. And in this i AM bu.

he is very EA but it's subtle and he's hard to pin down on it - all the stuff he's doing on the kids is how he dealt with me and it's so hard to combat

This time, what he's done, every single adult i've told has said he's wrong and all kinds of a bastard.

So everyone can see what he's like, exactly what he's like, and he's done it all by himself.

I feel vindicated. and I've said to a few people - now you see what he's like. Now do you understand what I put up with.

And that makes me a bitch, I know

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Original poster
oldbaghere · 18/12/2013 20:49

I have just spelt it all out in a completely ranty angry text to DC1. Who is 24. And told them that I need this christmas day and if they don't all stand up for me and stand with me then I fear that i will find it hard to forgive them. They all want to be grown up when it suits them and now it's time to show me that they are.

Maybe not the bestest idea, but at this point I don't care.

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Nanny0gg · 18/12/2013 20:52

I don't think that was unreasonable at all.

At 24 he should be thinking about his gran not what kind of a good time he can have at his dad's.

Original poster
oldbaghere · 18/12/2013 20:53

I am fucking well fed up appeasing everybody and being considerate of everyone else's fucking feelings and not wanting to upset the kids or my ex or his mother or his fucking bastard bitch of a SIL.

I count. I matter. My feelings count. And if they can't see that they can call fuck off and my grown DC will be lower in my estimation.

it's not dc1 who phoned it was dc2 - dc1 is less malleable and i know right well why ex picked dc2 to phone his gran, coz dc1 would have told him to get lost.

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ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 18/12/2013 21:01

Well done! Absolutely the right thing to do. Seems everyone is cowed by this bully and it needs to stop.

And yes, he is right, isn't all about you but it isn't the reason you want your children for Christmas, you want them for your mum who it IS all about. Or should be and he doesn't get that.

birdsnotbees · 18/12/2013 21:04

Good for you. And you know what - you do count, you do matter. This is your last Christmas with your mum. If you can't tell your own kids exactly how you feel and exactly what you want, well, when can you?

FourLittleDudes · 18/12/2013 21:05

I'm so sorry about your mum, and I'm sorry your ex is such a dick!

I alternate Christmas with my exH too. This year is my year to have them but exHs dad died last month and this is the first time his mum would be alone at Christmas. Before he even asked, I offered to swap days! How could anyone with an ounce of compassion not do the same. ExH will be staying at his mums with the DC Christmas Eve until Boxing Day morning.

Original poster
oldbaghere · 18/12/2013 21:07

fourlittledudes - that's what i think i'd have done if i were you.

i don't understand why you wouldn't my brain doesn't compute how his brain works at all

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thepig · 18/12/2013 21:19

Aside from everything else, where broadly yanbu...

Yabvu slagging off their father to them.

Whatever the issue, you made those kids, then they had to go through a break up, so be grown up enough to keep your squabbles away from them.

It's HORRIBLE for kids whatever age being stuck between two parents who dislike each other, and trying to placate both sides.

Original poster
oldbaghere · 18/12/2013 21:24

oh really?

I didn't slag their father off.

What I said was he's a spineless wonder getting his child to do his dirty work. He is.

I said I need this christmas day for me and for my dad and for their grandpa.

How is that slagging off the two faced nasty cunt to them exactly? I'm saying that on here, I am not saying to the kids.

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Turkeywurkey · 18/12/2013 21:44

Wow, what an utter shit.

We have a lot if issues with DSDs mother and arguments over getting her involved in conflicts between parents and normally I'm firmly of the view that you absolutely do not involve DCs in disagreements over contact even when the other parent gets them involved.

In this case I really think you have an exception. I would tell the children exactly how much it means to their grandma to spend her last Christmas with them, I would tell them she had cried after speaking to them when they said they wouldn't be there and tell them that you expect them to consider her feelings and that she doesn't think of it as just another day. In a family that hadn't separated a child thinking they could opt out of a last family christmas would be put in the picture like this and I think you should be fairly blunt with them all about it.

It sounds like they are now of an age where they can have a say in what happens with contact in which case they should also be old enough to consider not just their own immediate wants but also what kind of people they want to be.

If they are accepting of this plan then keep them with you. Frankly I'd break a court order if there is one for this - and I'd never never normally advocate that!

When do you see them next? Can you talk about it in person with them rather than over the phone?

SantaRedLegs · 18/12/2013 22:29

How old are they if they are teens and 20s?

Can you sit down with them and tell them about your DM's prognosis? Surely they would see that it would be nice to spend Christmas with her and with you?

If not then I really have no words :( I'm so sorry about your DM but I'm struggling to comprehend how your children are behaving :(

Original poster
oldbaghere · 19/12/2013 05:28

They are so scared of breaking the rules around contact and giving him his time that this is completely new to them all. I don't know what they think will happen if they say no to their father. This is the negative from me being flexible and nice. The access rota must be adhered to and this is dad's christmas day and the world will stop if they don't go there.

dd is going totalk tp him but at the end of the day if it's going to distress them then i'll let it go. just like i do every time. but he will be getting a letter from my solicitor saying that any flexibility is now gone and that the arrangements will be rigidly stuck to.

I had imagined that this access rota nonsense would evolve and be more flexible and for the older ones who don't live at home it generally has but this is just... it has tobe flexible when it's his mum's birthday and there's a family dinner planned on one of "my" sundays and i have to change my plans but not when it's my mum's last christmas.

I jus tdon't get it

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Original poster
oldbaghere · 19/12/2013 05:57

Dear X

You have an outstanding request with me to have the children for 2 extra days at X time to facilitate a holiday.

This request is denied. My answer is no.

Kindest regards

OldBag

To send or not to send, that is the question....

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TobyLerone · 19/12/2013 05:57

Yanbu, obviously, and he is clearly a cunt. He sounds so much like my XH that it's making me ragey to think about.

But I still don't understand why adult children have -contact arrangements' with their dad, and why you and XH are still making arrangements for these adults between you Confused

I think that when this is all over, you need to talk to your adult children about the fact that they are now too old for all this crap, and that you will be having no further part in arranging contact with their father on their behalf.

I'm sorry about your mum Flowers

Original poster
oldbaghere · 19/12/2013 05:59

Toby that's the thing. They are so caught up in this nonsense that they can't see that it's OK to tell him no.

but at the same time I don't want to put emotional pressure on them because at the end of the day they come first and I want to make all this as easy as I can for them.

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TobyLerone · 19/12/2013 06:00

Surely a contact arrangement between adults isn't legally enforceable?

I'd send the text, but not until after Christmas.

TobyLerone · 19/12/2013 06:00

Your adult children need to grow up, then.

Original poster
oldbaghere · 19/12/2013 06:03

They do. The contact arragement wouldn't be legally enforceable for them but it is for the younger ones.

i'm so angry with him because he has to have his time to which he is entitled, well you know what, just because you can do something doesn't always mean you should. I would have probably offered him to have the kids if the boot had bene on the other foot and done so gladly. but he doens't get it.

he's very asd in his ways, as is dc2, and he doesn't cope well with change. nor does dc2 and the way it is is how it is and how it has to be and the world will implode if we have to wing it a bit.

and i've tended to go along wiht that for the sake of an easy life.

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Original poster
oldbaghere · 19/12/2013 06:04

Sadly I think in the interests of trying to protect them from him and from his unreasonableness, and in the interests of trying to always be seen to be fair, and putting myself and my feelings last, I have done the wrong thing. I have made them think that I am somehow less important.

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