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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being unreasonable? Christmas, ex, and my mum

211 replies

oldbaghere · 17/12/2013 11:42

Issue from my other thread but I am raging and may have lost perspective.

My mum is terminal. Pancreatic cancer diagnosed yesterday.

Asked my ex if he would swap and let me have the kids on chrostmas day.

He consulted with his family and says no.

Aibu to think that's totally unfair and he is a cunt?

His SIL had to be consulted. She does year about. She said no and refused to swap, apparently.

OP posts:
TobyLerone · 19/12/2013 06:11

I don't think you've done the wrong thing by trying to protect them. Not at all. I've done the same, as have many of us, I'm sure.

But at this point it might be time to make them step up and take responsibility for making their own arrangements. They can deal with him directly, they can see him whenever they want, and they can make their own travel arrangements.

You're perhaps not doing them many favours by shielding them any longer, much as it's your instinct to do so.

I feel your pain, really I do. Stick rigidly to the arrangements for any under-18s, and let adults sort their own.

IneedAsockamnesty · 19/12/2013 06:11

If its just another day whys it so important to him or his sister?

Original poster
oldbaghere · 19/12/2013 06:12

I am trying to think in all the years since we split I don't think I have ever ever ever denied him if he asked for the kids on an additional day for something.

I took the view that if it mattered enough to him to ask then I should be accommodating. Look where that bloody got me.

I've never asked him for an additional day. I know my best friend has seen this thread and she can confirm it. I have never ever asked him for an additional day for anything. In all the years. Never. Not once. For anything. And he's asked me for loads.

OP posts:
Original poster
oldbaghere · 19/12/2013 06:15

The problem is that he and his family do this rigid year about thing Sock. His SIL does one year with her family, one with my in-laws. So this year, is her christmas day with my inlaws family, and next year she and my ex BIL will be with her family on christmas day.

And she is not prepared to move days.

Which I can understand throws their plans to have christmas with wider family of brothers and sisters and aunties and cousins into confusion.

But I just would have thought for one day they could have changed.

Kids have been leant on in as much as "it's your other granny's christmas day and we are all getting together as a family for her blah blah"

Well god help me but if he ever asks me for as much as 5 minutes I'll be saying no.

OP posts:
Original poster
oldbaghere · 19/12/2013 06:18

He had a family member get married. Kids and him were invited.

I took the kids and bought their outfits. He did give me half the money but not all.

I "let" him have the kids all day that Saturday and sat up late waiting for him to drop them home when he was supposed to have them home

fat lot of fucking good it did me. The one time I ask it's a no.

OP posts:
Mmmbacon · 19/12/2013 06:25

Hi op I am so sorry for what you are going through,

We received the same news with my aunt, dads sister, 3 months, they were devestated,

my mam rang each of us in turn to "remind us" that she knew we knew we had to make a special effort for the weeks that were left to visit and keep her sirits up, to bring our dc as aunt was childless and she loved our dc as if they were her dgc,

My aunt actually lived for just over 12 months after first discovering she was sick, she went on a holiday with all her siblings, and lived for our visits, the stories of the mischief the smalls got in, seeing new born babies thrive, a wedding and exam results, She lived in a nursing home for the 12 months as the surgery had.left her paralysed,

I would speak to your children again and tel them this is not about their dad or even about christmas, but as they are older and adult enough to appreciate, that every day from hear on is important and that you know they will want to spend as much time as they can with their nana every weekend and free time while she is well enough to enjoy it and draw comfort and strength from their visits,

I'm afraid there will be more weekend to come, and your dc need to realise that family comes before a schedule, even if your ex is too .... To realise that,

TobyLerone · 19/12/2013 06:28

Why would you buy the children clothes for an event their father wanted to take them to? And why would you buy clothes for an adult child at all?

He's walking all over you because he knows he can. Stop letting him.

I totally get the thing about wanting to be the 'fair' one, and never saying anything bad about him. I always try to be the grown-up/bigger person when it comes to my XH, because someone's got to and because it makes me realise that I am vastly superior to him! but sometimes it does me no favours at all because he just continues to be rude, snide, underhanded and unaccommodating.

Tapiocapearl · 19/12/2013 06:31

I think if you have to, do another day as Xmas day. Even exams eve? I agree with being totally inflexible if they are totally inflexible. Your ex has no empathy what so ever. He should really make an independent decision and letting his sister then decide what she wants to do. Sister could just continue with her original yearly plans and your DS could do this year with you, next year half a day at each, the following year at your exes.

Original poster
oldbaghere · 19/12/2013 06:33

Toby that's exactly it. rude, snide and underhanded.

he asked me to take them because he had no idea what to buy. I didn't take the oldest, but I did take 3 of them.

He said he'd square me the money, and then I only got half because they could wear the outfits again, and it might be at one of "my" events.

They never have.

I will never ever ever again agree to anything from him. Not ever. I am so so angry it's not true. Of all the stunts he has ever pulled, this is the lowst.

OP posts:
Original poster
oldbaghere · 19/12/2013 06:34

It's not even his sister.

It's his sister in law. His brother's wife.

The temptation to put xyz are a shower of cunts all over facebook is overwhelming :) (I won't I'm venting here instead)

OP posts:
IneedAsockamnesty · 19/12/2013 06:37

Thanks for explaining that but I'm still failing to 'get it' can his sister not visit her parents Christmas Day if your children are not there?

Is one of your kids especially good at supervising adults or first aid incase of choking,is your exSIL prone to choking?

It does not matter what they want to do because they can still do it with or without the kids because after all its just another day.

Sorry to be daft but you totally had me on side the second you typed he thinks he's entitled to xyz, I fucking hate parents who bang on about there own rights.

Original poster
oldbaghere · 19/12/2013 06:40

Sock fwiw I don't get it either. but ever since she arrived into the family we have had to adhere to this rigid schedule. I have no clue why. Perhaps the sky will fall down if we don't?

It's all about his rights. I've always put the kids first and myself last. Even lower than him in some ways, in that if I'd planned to go to my mum and dad on a sunday with the kids for lunch and he phoned and said "it's mum's birthday on Tuesday and X has organised Sunday lunch can I have the kids" ... I said yes of course, phoned my mum and dad and said we'll be over another time.

Fuck but I was spineless. Why did I do that? Why was I so stupid to think I was doing it so that i'd "banked" favours and if I needed one ever then it would be a given? Not that I really think it's a favour in the circs I'm putting it very badly.

But. fuck you bastard. What goes around comes around.

OP posts:
IneedAsockamnesty · 19/12/2013 06:40

Sorry I didn't notice the sil bit. Ok so change my post (in your head) to say sil with his parents

Original poster
oldbaghere · 19/12/2013 06:42

I just do not understand it.

But as was said. He's a shit. Isn't it nice to know he's so predictable and doesn't disappoint? Grin

OP posts:
IneedAsockamnesty · 19/12/2013 06:43

I wouldn't be able to stop myself pointing out that she can stick to what ever plan she wants but I didn't have to.

What on earth are hey going to do when the kids have family's of there own.

TobyLerone · 19/12/2013 06:45

The massive advantage of getting the adults to sort their own shit out between them is that you have to deal with him less.

Stick to the arrangement with the younger ones to the letter. Don't engage with him in any negotiations. You don't even really have to speak to him if you do this, except for working out school holidays arrangements, IME.

And if your younger DC are teens, they'll be 18 soon enough and you can completely wash your hands of his bullying and manipulation. Think what a relief that will be!

Original poster
oldbaghere · 19/12/2013 06:45

I am afraid as far as I'm concerned I'm so angry now it's unbeleiveable. I don't do raging angry I rant a bit but I always give in for the sake of peace adn family.

Never again will I do that for him and there's a lot of years yet of access and he's fucked for me ever to swap or do even 5 minutes that suits him.

OP posts:
TobyLerone · 19/12/2013 06:47

Why was I so stupid to think I was doing it so that i'd "banked" favours and if I needed one ever then it would be a given?

Ha! I hear this!

You made the mistake of thinking that he's a normal, rational person. Schoolgirl error :o

Original poster
oldbaghere · 19/12/2013 06:47

toby that's exactly what I mean. Older ones can do what they like, I have to say I'm disappointed in them but not surprised. They are getting manipulated by him and this whole chrismtas palaver has gone on as long as they can ever remember

But fuck the lot of them. yes it's only a day and yes I will have them from 6pm and we'll go straight to mum and dad's.

and be there boxing day.

But as far as fuckwitbastardcuntknobarsewankdick is concerned. Flexible does not exist in my vocabulary.

OP posts:
Original poster
oldbaghere · 19/12/2013 06:48

Grin Toby. You "get" it. Grin were we married to the same man?

OP posts:
TobyLerone · 19/12/2013 06:48

Go, OP!

TobyLerone · 19/12/2013 06:49

I think so :o

The best part about all this is that WE'RE NOT MARRIED TO HIM ANY MORE!

Original poster
oldbaghere · 19/12/2013 06:50

AIBU to almost wish he's late so me and the police can turn up mob handed to SIL and BIL house to get my kids? Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
oldbaghere · 19/12/2013 06:51

Toby you are SO RIGHT Grin

OP posts:
TheDoctrineOfSanta · 19/12/2013 07:04

He got his teenage child to ring his dying grandmother to ask if she didn't mind missing Christmas with them?

He is an utter tosser.

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