Page 5 | Am I being unreasonable? Christmas, ex, and my mum

oldbaghere · 2013-12-17T11:42:08+00:00

Issue from my other thread but I am raging and may have lost perspective. My mum is terminal. Pancreatic cancer diagnosed yesterday. Asked my ex if he would swap and let me have the kids on chrostmas day. He consulted with his family and says no. Aibu to think that's totally unfair and he is a cunt? His SIL had to be consulted. She does year about. She said no and refused to swap, apparently.

Lilacroses · 19/12/2013 07:11

He is an absolute disgrace. What a despicable person! I think you are completely spot on with your rigid plan after this. Speaking as someone who had very controlling in laws I would add that until your kids start standing up to him he won't change. He sounds dreadful and I'm so sorry you have to put up with this,atsuch a sad time.

Jaynebxl · 19/12/2013 07:13

It is really horrible that your mum is dying and that this will be her last Christmas. It is really horrible that your ex won't swap days.

But now that it is sadly settled that things will stay as planned you have to make the best of it. Have a great Christmas day on boxing day instead and enjoy being with your family. If you are bitter and angry the only person it will hurt is you (and possibly your children). For the sake of your dc and your dp you must get over this, hold your head high and smile your way through Christmas.

I think it would be a bad idea now to refuse any swaps allowing ex to take dc to events. It will only make you look like the bad guy plus your dc will miss out on nice events with the other half of their family. You don't want it to look like you are using your dc as pawns to get back at your ex.

MoominsYonisAreScary · 19/12/2013 07:24

What a wanker, I would never swop or give him extra time again

So sorry to hear about your mum.

Jinsei · 19/12/2013 07:39

So sorry to hear about your mum, OP. I have lost two loved ones to pancreatic cancer. It's very difficult. :(

Your ex is a tosser, no doubt. But if you don't want to fight him on this one, perhaps just change the way you look at it. If the kids are at his, you can spend some quality time with your mum on Christmas Day, then get everyone together when the kids return that evening. Or just do it all again on Boxing Day. What will really matter to your mum is that she sees them all. She won't want you to be upset and unhappy.

Also, might I gently suggest that you may be very glad of having the kids with you for Christmas next year?

Hope you are ok.

kungfupannda · 19/12/2013 07:56

Your older children are adults. They are old enough to be asked to make a difficult decision, and to do the right thing by the family member in most need.

I would sit them all down, calmly, and spell it out for them. Could your dad join you for that conversation.

No mincing of words, no shouting. Just "It is time you all grew up and realised that sometimes you have to do something a bit difficult, or make someone angry, to do the right thing. This is what I expect of you."

Sorry you are going through this.

JennetDevice · 19/12/2013 08:19

I'm so sorry to hear about your mum. I agree with everyone else that your ex is an unreasonable arse. Unfortunately I doubt he will change his mind now. Why not focus on celebrating Christmas Day at 6 pm when all your family will be together? Wait until then to open the presents and have Christmas dinner later. Don't allow your ex to spoil your last Christmas with your mum. He is an arse and will always be one but don't let him taint the memories of what should be a happy reflective time for you all.

Sadly what is happening to you is what happened to my family last Christmas when my lovely MIL was dying. Everyone thought she was unaware of the squabbling but she knew. Please try for your mum's sake to let it go.

I really hope you all have a wonderful Christmas.

Nanny0gg · 19/12/2013 08:51

I would sit them all down, calmly, and spell it out for them. Could your dad join you for that conversation. No mincing of words, no shouting. Just "It is time you all grew up and realised that sometimes you have to do something a bit difficult, or make someone angry, to do the right thing. This is what I expect of you."

This ^^

Lonecatwithkitten · 19/12/2013 08:57

Why do these men not realise they have no 'rights' only 'responsibilities' to their children? The children have all the 'rights'.
Having my own frustration with an Ex only bangs on about his rights as though DC are a possession and never ever thinks about what is right or best for them.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 19/12/2013 09:13

I would sit them all down, calmly, and spell it out for them. Could your dad join you for that conversation. No mincing of words, no shouting. Just "It is time you all grew up and realised that sometimes you have to do something a bit difficult, or make someone angry, to do the right thing. This is what I expect of you."

This ^^

This ^^

I am surprised how upset I am about this, probably because I can feel your upset, anger and disappointment in your posts.

Your ex is a wanker and your children are being unfeeling .

newforest · 19/12/2013 09:14

This happened to my sister last year, except it was her ex's mother who had been diagnosed with terminal cancer. My sister always had her daughter Christmas day and he on Boxing day. He asked her to swap so they could have at least one Christmas day together to make it special for his mother and she agreed without question (she has been stubborn in the past over swapping days!). His mother died not long after.

TensionWheelsCoolHeels · 19/12/2013 09:36

OP I'm so sorry for your mum.

I agree too with kungfu's post. You need to spell it out to your DC. I can't think of anything more cruel for someone facing their last Xmas that even that isn't enough to make your DC realise what's important. You need to tell dc2 that his GM cried after she spoke to them. This matters for her. They all need to know how important this is. I cannot believe not one of them, independently, can see that. You know it's going to be your GM last Xmas, you make that effort to make it special for her.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 19/12/2013 09:39

I honestly think you are making too much of this. Do you think you could be redirecting the anger you feel over your mum's illness to your ex and kids. I think you should all stick to the Xmas plans that you have. You can enjoy some quality time with your parents on Xmas Day and then you can all do something together when you have the children on Boxing Day. It sounds as if this is what the children want too and their views are important as well. Perhaps they want a fun time with your ex's family on Xmas Day where they can forget about their sadness about their grandma? Please don't blame the children because they react differently to the very sad news about their grandma.

Nanny0gg · 19/12/2013 09:43

GhoulWithADragonTattoo

They're not all children. I don't think them having 'fun' at Christmas outweighs the care they owe to their mother and grandfather, let alone their grandmother. Why should they forget their sadness? They should be trying to make her last Christmas a happy one so that everyone left has fond memories of this time.

TensionWheelsCoolHeels · 19/12/2013 09:45

Ghoul, do you think that someone facing their last Xmas shouldn't be a priority?

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 19/12/2013 09:46

I meant children in the sense of the OP's children, I realise some are adults. Having a nice time with their Dad and his family on Xmas day (as has been planned) does not mean they cannot also give love and support to their mum and grandparents too. It does not have to be on Christmas day and I think fixating on one day is not very helpful to anyone.

TensionWheelsCoolHeels · 19/12/2013 09:57

Ghoul, your missing that fact that it matters to the person dying. Who won't have another Xmas. The 'any other day' crap really is hollow when the person who is dying wants that one day with her family.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 19/12/2013 10:07

Ghoul - are you really as unfeeling and cruel as you are coming across?

A dying person wants her grand children with her on Christmas Day.

FFS you still think the OP is making too much of it?

The OP is posting, is fighting to give her mum what she wants BECAUSE HER MUM CAN'T.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 19/12/2013 10:07

I'm not missing that, but that is what I mean about it not being helpful to fixate on one day. The ex here understandably wants the Xmas he has been planning for. The children want to go there, possibly partly to take their minds off things with their grandma. The OP and her parents can still have the Xmas day they planned and then they can also celebrate with the children in the evening and on Boxing Day. I actually feel very sorry for the children being caught in the middle. OP should focus on what she can do with her mum on Xmas day and what they can all do together when kids get back instead of getting angry with her ex and the children for wanting to stick to the original plan.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 19/12/2013 10:08

The OP's children really need a reality check. I know plenty are inherently selfish but ffs this lady is dying.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 19/12/2013 10:10

FFS it IS just one day. It is the 25th December that EVERYONE knows is the day that matters. Boxing Day can be nice but with the best will in the world it feels different and tbh nothing trumps anything but a lady who is dying .

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 19/12/2013 10:11

NO, Ghoul. You are missing it. The GRANDMA wants the children with her on Christmas Day. Not as an afterthought for a couple of hours in the evening (if indeed that is on offer.)

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 19/12/2013 10:13

I'm not unfeeling and have massive sympathy with the OP's situation. But I do think that it's important to focus on what she can do to make the Christmas period special for her mum and the rest of the family. In my opinion that includes accepting the Xmas day is only a relatively few hours and it's more important to focus on the good things she can do rather than allowing the fact that her ex wants to stick to the plan spoil things.

Caitlin17 · 19/12/2013 10:19

I'm a bit puzzled why grown up children can't make up their own minds whether they spend Christmas with you , him or neither of you. I imagined when first reading this you were talking about children children, not adults.

Fairy1303 · 19/12/2013 10:21

I didn't think the children were adults?

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 19/12/2013 10:23

Some are adults and some are teens.