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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be jealous of my friend having DC3? they can only afford it as they are in a council house! She doesn't even work.

209 replies

LifeIsNotFair · 14/12/2013 10:30

DH and I are 30. have one dc who is 5. And I want another one so badly ....We live in a 2 bed private rent and pay £650 a month. DH earns OK money and I work part time, just one day a week atm, am tryng to get more hours but no joy. It it is not quite enough to get a mortgage and even if it was we have nothing spare to save for a deposit.

My BF is also 3O. She has a DS, 8, with her ex. Her ex was violent and it got worse when her ds was born. she left him when when her DS was a baby, and they ended up in a B&B while they were found accomodation. She was given a 2 bed HA house. When her DS was about 2 she met her now DH, who is lovely. He took on her DS as his own, then they quickly had a DC together (her DC2) and got married. A couple of years ago they managed to get a swap to a 3 bed council house. She is now ready to have DC3 any day.

BF's DH earns similar to my DH (about 28k). The difference is their rent is about half what we pay, so they are able to afford dc3 without too many worries. They have done their house up as it was in quite a bad state when they moved in. But it is gorgeous now as her DH is handy with DIY, new kitchen, new carpets and wood floors everywhere, nice tidy garden. we can't do anything like that to ours, there's no point as we don't know how long we will get to stay here, plus we can't afford it anyway as no spare cash. They have a car each and she does not work, she wants to when the DCS are bigger but atm she really doesn't need to. The DCS have whatever they like. They are also saving for a deposit to buy it as they have right to buy. We are in the North btw so 28k is ok money where we are.

I freely admit I am jealous as hell :( but I feel bad that I feel like that. as she really is lovely, and I love her to bits. And I know she got where she is via shitty circumstances but my god has she landed on her feet now. Envy

OP posts:
Original poster
LifeIsNotFair · 14/12/2013 10:32

BTW I just want to make it known I am not bashing social housing, I think the rent is fair that my friend pays (and others in similar houses)
This is more about how unfair it is that private rents are such a rip off. And that its so damn hard to buy a house and have any kind of security.

OP posts:
Mrsmorton · 14/12/2013 10:34

The only time you should look into your neighbour's bowl is to make sure they have enough.

Totally understandable emotion from you so YANBU to feel jealous but YWBU to let it affect your relationship.

I'm in an abusive marriage and believe me, even if I got a goat and a flat screen tv and free rent for the rest of my life, it wouldn't heal the scars.

ElbowPrincess · 14/12/2013 10:35

My Dh earns same as yours, we have similar housing costs and have 2 DC. Its very possible.

gobbynorthernbird · 14/12/2013 10:35

YANBU to be jealous. Private renting in the UK is no fun.
However, I wouldn't ever swap your position for what your friend has had to go through.

Branleuse · 14/12/2013 10:35

if you want another baby, have another one. Discuss it with your partner, and if he says no, then its between you and him, nothing to do with your friend who sounds like shes had a rough trot.

You certainly dont need a 3 bed house for 2 kids.

I have no idea why youre feeling so envious of your friend, but it doesnt sound nice. You sound like you think she is undeserving.

I think youll find with three kids, she definitely does work

Jinsei · 14/12/2013 10:36

Your friend has endured domestic violence and homelessness. I think she deserves a little bit of good luck in her life, don't you?

oddsocksmostly · 14/12/2013 10:36

YANBU, it's really hard isn't it? Hopefully something will change with the housing situation, or your income in the future.

todaysdateis · 14/12/2013 10:37

Get over yourself!!! Even putting in the extra 'qualifying' comment you sound horrible. Envy is never a good quality - I'm sure you were envious when she was stuck in a shit relationship with a baby!! Now she ison her feet you feel its unjust.

You and your husband live on above average wages your rent is about half what you would have to pay in the south of the country on the same wages

CranberrySaucyJack · 14/12/2013 10:37

YABU.

I was also "lucky" enough to get to the top of the housing list after leaving my violent, rapist ex.

Only a complete cunt would be jealous, quite frankly.

LaurieFairyCake · 14/12/2013 10:38

The problem of course is that there should be a mass social house building programme with fair rents for all and secure tenancies.

You're basically envious of that extra £300 a month - and that makes perfect sense.

She might not work, but neither do you on one day a week - maybe you can make that extra 300 a month by increasing your days - that would make you even financially

Though still not even in circumstance as they have a secure tenancy and can improve their place

todaysdateis · 14/12/2013 10:39

And just for quick reference I live in council house paying approx £500 a month and earn less than £20,000. So by my thoughts you are well off!!!

GobbySadcase · 14/12/2013 10:41

What Cranberry said.
YABanarse.

CailinDana · 14/12/2013 10:41

On 28k in the north youcould easily get a mortgage, we did and our repayments are just over 300 a month.

farrowandbawlbauls · 14/12/2013 10:42

You are right in saying that private renting expenses has got out of control and job security isn't what it used to, everything is so expensive that wages do not go as far anymore, we can all understand that.

Your main concern is to stop comparing what your friend now has, with what you have got and what you want. In the nicest possible way - get over it and get on with your own life. You may not mean to but you are coming across very selfish, jealous and resentful.

Iamsparklyknickers · 14/12/2013 10:43

Ok she has been lucky in one sense, finding another partner and having DC 2 & 3 - try not be jealous of that, it's your desire for another child making you see green, but truthfully her life decisions have no impact what so ever on yours.

To get into the social housing position she has now she's had to live in a B&B and two bedroomed house with two kids (which in all honesty I don't see the issue with personally) then put in the work to make her three bedroom nice. None of that sounds easy to me. She had to start right at the bottom and work her way up.

Would you and your family seriously consider going into a B&B and then spending the same amount of time working your way up? It's an option open to you if you want. Again personally I wouldn't fancy it unless I had to. Three bedrooms - I'd be straight in there - B&B not so much.

lilyaldrin · 14/12/2013 10:43

If you only work one day a week, then it sounds like the issue is you not working more than anything.

greenfolder · 14/12/2013 10:44

you are being unreasonable and you know it! never compare what you have to what others have- you will always have less than some and more than others. if you do need to compare, look to all those who have less

usualsuspect · 14/12/2013 10:44

You don't sound like much of a bf.

YABU.

Shellywelly1973 · 14/12/2013 10:45

Seriously... your supposed to be her friend? !

YABVU!

gamerchick · 14/12/2013 10:45

Are you sure you've got your figures right? I'm in the north.. In a council house and our rents 100 quid a week. Not that 50 quids either here nor there. Would that extra 250 quid really make any difference to whether you could afford to sprog or not? Have you tried getting a council house?

It makes me feel sad that you would begrudge your friend having a good life after escaping what she did.

SummerPlum · 14/12/2013 10:47

Well, I'm jealous of you, OP, because I work 50-60 hours a week in an immensely stressful job that is slowly killing me.

I would die of joy just to have to work one day a week.

I daresay from the outside my life looks great. Just like your friend's.

JinglingRexManningDay · 14/12/2013 10:47

Your poor friend has been through so much,how lovely for her to have some good luck.

Jealousy is a destructive emotion. You need to work out why you are so bitter about what she has.

UterusUterusGhali · 14/12/2013 10:47

I live in social housing and pay more rent than you.

Private renting IS terrible, but social housing isn't that cheap and comes with the burden of people stigmatising you and thinking your rent is publicly funded. (It isn't. It's just a fair rent).

Get on the housing list and see how fun it is.

gamerchick · 14/12/2013 10:48

I have to agree with a PP a mortgage would be really cheaper to what we're paying in rent. Is that not an option for you?

Original poster
LifeIsNotFair · 14/12/2013 10:48

You're basically envious of that extra £300 a month - and that makes perfect sense

Yep, I really am. It would make all the difference to us. I begrudge lining my landlord's pocket with DH's hard earned money every month, and funding his cosy nest egg. And I am also envious of their security of tenure, and possibility of buying.

OP posts:
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