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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be jealous of my friend having DC3? they can only afford it as they are in a council house! She doesn't even work.

209 replies

LifeIsNotFair · 14/12/2013 10:30

DH and I are 30. have one dc who is 5. And I want another one so badly ....We live in a 2 bed private rent and pay £650 a month. DH earns OK money and I work part time, just one day a week atm, am tryng to get more hours but no joy. It it is not quite enough to get a mortgage and even if it was we have nothing spare to save for a deposit.

My BF is also 3O. She has a DS, 8, with her ex. Her ex was violent and it got worse when her ds was born. she left him when when her DS was a baby, and they ended up in a B&B while they were found accomodation. She was given a 2 bed HA house. When her DS was about 2 she met her now DH, who is lovely. He took on her DS as his own, then they quickly had a DC together (her DC2) and got married. A couple of years ago they managed to get a swap to a 3 bed council house. She is now ready to have DC3 any day.

BF's DH earns similar to my DH (about 28k). The difference is their rent is about half what we pay, so they are able to afford dc3 without too many worries. They have done their house up as it was in quite a bad state when they moved in. But it is gorgeous now as her DH is handy with DIY, new kitchen, new carpets and wood floors everywhere, nice tidy garden. we can't do anything like that to ours, there's no point as we don't know how long we will get to stay here, plus we can't afford it anyway as no spare cash. They have a car each and she does not work, she wants to when the DCS are bigger but atm she really doesn't need to. The DCS have whatever they like. They are also saving for a deposit to buy it as they have right to buy. We are in the North btw so 28k is ok money where we are.

I freely admit I am jealous as hell :( but I feel bad that I feel like that. as she really is lovely, and I love her to bits. And I know she got where she is via shitty circumstances but my god has she landed on her feet now. Envy

OP posts:
Ninasaurus · 15/12/2013 10:15

Op have a second baby.

It won't be too hard in a 2 bed flat.

And you will regret it and be bitter if you limit your family size because of housing difficulties.

If you were in a one bedroom flat I would understand as that would be overcrowded. But a 2 bed flat for 2 children and 2 adults is fine and perfectly manageable :)

mrsjay · 15/12/2013 10:18

you were in a one bedroom flat I would understand as that would be overcrowded. But a 2 bed flat for 2 children and 2 adults is fine and perfectly manageable

this, we managed 2 children in one bedroom it really is no big deal I know a few people with boy/girl and when they got to an age where sharing isn't really ideal the parents moved into their livingroom and let children have a room each, it is doable

JohnnyBarthes · 15/12/2013 10:19

On one salary of £28k and no childcare costs, I don't think they'd be entitled to anything at all - where did you get that figure from, Chunder?

MountainHeights · 15/12/2013 10:19

I saw the below on Facebook the other day an thought it was a good set of things to remember in life. Don't get caught in a trap of judging your life by what others have as you will always find someone who laves you wanting more and life will always be a disappointment.
fbcdn-sphotos-e-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn2/1450132_582451345158999_1044877599_n.png

MountainHeights · 15/12/2013 10:20

leaves you wanting! not laves!

takingthathometomomma · 15/12/2013 10:22

I agree with you that private rent is a motherfucker and I'm in a relatively similar position to you, but jealousy is never nice and your friend and her DH clearly work hard so I think YABU, sorry.

Chunderella · 15/12/2013 10:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Snog · 15/12/2013 10:30

I think this is a tough situation but the answer is to focus on how you can get a better standard of living for yourself...why not work full time, could this be the answer?
Housing in this country is a total nightmare for many of us Sad

JohnnyBarthes · 15/12/2013 11:07

Blimey Chunder those figures are odd. Presumably the bonkers rate increases per child are meant to cover extra rent Confused

I assumed the OP wouldn't be entitled to anything as we weren't in the past but that was with one child + childcare.

cantheyseeme · 15/12/2013 11:12

YABVU! If you cant afford x,y,z thats your problem, if you dont like something in your life then change it!

Chunderella · 15/12/2013 12:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JohnnyBarthes · 15/12/2013 13:29

Extra for childcare I understand, but those figures are for families with no childcare costs. Still, I suppose it's to cover increased housing costs, which seems fair enough. It certainly explains why friends with 3 managed ok in comparison. I don't begrudge it, either.

JohnnyBarthes · 15/12/2013 13:30

much Grin

ProfPlumSpeaking · 15/12/2013 17:31

The problem that the OP is bumping up against, and is shared by many, is perceiving someone on benefits/subsidy to be better off than she is (quite true, seemingly), and thinking that the rules are a bit unfair and arbitrary in their application. The current govt is trying to address a very similar, but only slightly different, perverse incentive through the benefits cap. The OP is not being some green-eyed monster to look wistfully at her friend and think that she is lucky to be able to afford DC3 whilst not working whereas she, the OP, would have to go back to work to feel able to have the same sized place to house more DC.

BUT, OP the other advice is spot on. Don't waste time comparing yourself to others if you can help it. DO something about your own position - work more days and save the money for that bigger place or just have DC2 anyway and go back to work FT when he/she hits school age. I hope it all works out for you.

Clawdius · 15/12/2013 18:10

I don't think it's fair to call the op an ar*e. She isn't saying she wished her friend didn't wasn't fortunate enough to be given a 3 bed house and a superduper 'diy'er hubby who has converted it into a palace. I think she'd just like some luck like that.

She acknowledged her friend has a traumatic experience which was the conduit into the 2 bed ha house. I don't think anyone would wish to 'earn' the ha house in this way. However the upgrade from the 2 bed to the 3 bed house wasn't as a result of any trauma, really a fortunate spot of luck for a happily married woman who was expanding her family. It was really a case of serendipity. She was married to a supportive partner and life was good I presume. Completely separate from the situation that put her into the 2 bed house.

I must admit wish I was good at diy myself or my husband was. However we have to make the best of the life we have. Or make it into a life we want (if we can). Being human, wish I kept this in mind myself.

superstarheartbreaker · 15/12/2013 19:39

Op...get a better job.

MistressDeeCee · 15/12/2013 20:01

Get a better job. & get off your backside and work harder and longer. More emotionally and financially rewarding than green-eyed envy of a mates's lifestyle.

BazilGin · 15/12/2013 20:16

I understand how you feel OP. AIBU? Not sure, probably but that's how you feel.
I have a friend who was comfortable, DH and her both workng, two cars, no debts, renting 1 bed flat.
Then they decided that they want a 2 bed, so applied for social housing. I believe they waited for 2 yrs and got a brand new, spacious flat which they pay peanuts for in rent.
I can't get over the fact that they were given the flat, considering that they were not struggling. i always thought it is for people who really need it either through poverty or difficult situation (i.e. Single parents etc).

I find it unethical, sorry probably not related but also think it's not'fair'

takingthathometomomma · 15/12/2013 20:47

Bazil I don't think that they were given the 3 bed. She was given a 2 bed when she was struggling but they done a swap for the 3 bed, which is completely reasonable.

anotherchristmasnamechange · 15/12/2013 20:56

chunderella, that is an assumption. We do not get benefits. Or indeed tax credits (because only dh is working).

anotherchristmasnamechange · 15/12/2013 21:01

And my 3 DC's share a room. They are not all the same gender. They probably won't as teenagers, granted, but the oldest is 6, so that's another 7 years off. We'd probably use one downstairs room as our bedroom if we're still in this house when they become uncomfortable sharing. Depends how much you want that extra child, I suppose.

Chunderella · 15/12/2013 21:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

littleballerina · 15/12/2013 21:23

Work harder, whinge less.
I private rent, my partner works full time, I study full time and work part time. We have 3dc.

We struggle and might be better off financially if we lived in social housing but I wouldn't change my life. I'm studying so that one day we might be better off, I've got off my bottom and am teaching my children that life is what you make it.

custardo · 15/12/2013 21:28

instead of being jealous

why not ask the question

why aren't the government investing in enough housing?

vote accordingly at next election

at this rate there will be no nhs
privatised schools (acadamies) run on economies of scale (the larger the cheaper to run) rather than for any educational benefit

yet mps get 11% pay rise

claim 30 million in expenses

and billions uncollected in taxes

there is a wider picture and you are being lured into a narrow view perpetuated by Ian Duncan Smith

IDS by the way claimed for his wife at his secretary and claimed for underpants

thats right folks - we paid for his skiddy grundies

oh and both him and wife admitted to doing benefit fraud in the 80's

fuckers

so, no don't ask yourself " why has she - and why have i not"

ask yourself " what is so bloody wrong, that we are in a situation like this?"

Joysmum · 15/12/2013 21:32

It's about time the benefits and taxation system was set to ensure that those working were better off for doing so. That currently isn't the case atm and it needs to change.