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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be jealous of my friend having DC3? they can only afford it as they are in a council house! She doesn't even work.

209 replies

LifeIsNotFair · 14/12/2013 10:30

DH and I are 30. have one dc who is 5. And I want another one so badly ....We live in a 2 bed private rent and pay £650 a month. DH earns OK money and I work part time, just one day a week atm, am tryng to get more hours but no joy. It it is not quite enough to get a mortgage and even if it was we have nothing spare to save for a deposit.

My BF is also 3O. She has a DS, 8, with her ex. Her ex was violent and it got worse when her ds was born. she left him when when her DS was a baby, and they ended up in a B&B while they were found accomodation. She was given a 2 bed HA house. When her DS was about 2 she met her now DH, who is lovely. He took on her DS as his own, then they quickly had a DC together (her DC2) and got married. A couple of years ago they managed to get a swap to a 3 bed council house. She is now ready to have DC3 any day.

BF's DH earns similar to my DH (about 28k). The difference is their rent is about half what we pay, so they are able to afford dc3 without too many worries. They have done their house up as it was in quite a bad state when they moved in. But it is gorgeous now as her DH is handy with DIY, new kitchen, new carpets and wood floors everywhere, nice tidy garden. we can't do anything like that to ours, there's no point as we don't know how long we will get to stay here, plus we can't afford it anyway as no spare cash. They have a car each and she does not work, she wants to when the DCS are bigger but atm she really doesn't need to. The DCS have whatever they like. They are also saving for a deposit to buy it as they have right to buy. We are in the North btw so 28k is ok money where we are.

I freely admit I am jealous as hell :( but I feel bad that I feel like that. as she really is lovely, and I love her to bits. And I know she got where she is via shitty circumstances but my god has she landed on her feet now. Envy

OP posts:
farrowandbawlbauls · 14/12/2013 10:51

If it would make so much of a difference - find a job that will pay you another 300 a month.

As for the last of your comment, once again, Get over yourself.

gamerchick · 14/12/2013 10:52

Have you tried getting a council house?

janey68 · 14/12/2013 10:53

Fair enough to have an issue with private rents being high and lacking security. Fair enough to have an issue with lack of social housing. But why are you making this into an issue about your friend? Envy is an unattractive trait, and besides that she's been through a dreadful time and I'm sure however rosy her life looks on the outside, there are long term consequences for her and her children

Also, you only work one day a week, so there's not much point moaning about not having enough money when you have loads more capacity to work. You say you have one child of school age so it's not as if childcare costs are huge.
Reading between the lines I suspect you also stopped work or reduced hours massively after giving birth? Because you would have been Entitled to your previous job back after ML so either you only worked one day before having your child, OR you chose to downscale massively. And please don't quote childcare costs as a reason to not work more because with a partner on 28k plus your earnings you could easily afford it.

If you aren't happy with your life, take steps to change it. Find another job, work more hours to build up more entitlement to maternity pay, then have another child if that's what you want. That's the reality for most of us. And stop being jealous of someone who by all accounts has had a rubbish time

paxtecum · 14/12/2013 10:54

This country did have mass social housing with fair rents and then we had a woman PM who brought The Right to Buy.

Right to Buy is just madness really.

The social housing stock gets sold off and often ends up in the hands of private landlords who charge 'market' value which is then often subsidised by HB.

Free Enterprise at it's worst.

YABU to be jealous of your friend.

Branleuse · 14/12/2013 10:54

youre paying rent. Youre getting to live there. Youre not GIVING him anything. Youre paying him for a service.

I privately rent, and I dont see it as any more lining my landlords pocket, as a mortgage is lining a bankers pocket.

Your landlord may have hard-earned his money to buy that house that you are now hiring from him.

You need to concentrate on your own issues instead of bitching about your friend

sutekidane · 14/12/2013 10:55

Helpful advice ignored in favour of focusing on the one reply that agrees slightly.

Famzilla · 14/12/2013 10:55

Well maybe if you cross your fingers hard enough your DP will start beating 10 bags of shit out of you and force you and your DC out of your home & into a grotty b&b too.

Honestly, what a daft thing to say.

This woman and her child have experienced something no one should ever have to go through and will carry that emotional burden for the rest of their lives. And you begrudge them an extra bedroom and some wooden floors? Jesus wept, I'd give them my last tenner if I thought it would go somewhere in repairing what had happened to her.

DownstairsMixUp · 14/12/2013 10:56

This shows how stupid I am with social housing as I thought you had to be on a low income to qualify for them Blush

YABU however, I think you know that anyway but I do understand how you feel about the renting thing. I'm quite lucky in that our landlord has a lot of properties which is a family business so I do up the house to my taste but £650 is soo much money (thats what I pay to) I applied for council housing and was told I had no housing need as i have somewhere to live, don't really understand it tbh!

LumpySpacePrincessOhMyGlob · 14/12/2013 10:56

The problem is not your friend and you know that. The problem is the lack of affordable housing in this country, and the lack of social housing.

Reserve your anger for that.

CailinDana · 14/12/2013 10:57

You can change your situation but you seem more interested in being bitter.

notanotherusername1 · 14/12/2013 10:57

Do women really call other women 'c*s on here. Wow. Sad

gamerchick · 14/12/2013 10:59

No that's what the propaganda likes you to believe downstairs

Bakerof3pudsxx · 14/12/2013 11:00

Private rent is a rip off

Iamsparklyknickers · 14/12/2013 11:01

Are there still such things as part rent/part buy?

Have you talked to any local housing associations about your circumstances. Granted there isn't as much around as a few years ago, but if you're not looking into all your options then it's not really fair to be jealous of others.

Try not looking at private renting as wasting money. You're providing a roof over your families head. Granted it's not the pinnacle of living, but it's not something to get your knickers in a twist over.

Home ownership isn't exactly a breeze - repairs, maintenance, same worries over financial stability, changes in interest rates, it's not so easy to move on if you find out your neighbours are wankers or a job opportunity comes up somewhere else etc. Pro's and con's to renting and buying (or renting from the bank as DP likes to refer to it Grin)

I'm another who doesn't really see what's actually stopping you from seriously considering DC2? Two beds is fine, if you're only working one day is the financial difference really going to be that much that you can't hold off looking for a job with more hours for a couple of years?

gamerchick · 14/12/2013 11:01

See the thing is.. There is a massive difference between social housing in the north than in the south. Hens teeth down south.. not so much up here.

RandomMess · 14/12/2013 11:03

Why don't you come over to the budgetting board and let us look through your finances and see where you can make savings to afford that extra child?

Your rent to income is very reasonable tbh and it should be doable if you're prepared to make compromises on your spending.

Fairylea · 14/12/2013 11:04

What famzilla said.

What's that saying about walking a mile in someone else's shoes....?

I understand it must be frustrating when you look at the surface haves and wants but this woman and her ds have gone through hell. You and your dh have plenty of time and opportunities to change your life and have more children.

People are often envious of dh and I and they tell us this openly... He is 26 and I am 33 and we are practically mortgage free in a large ish semi detached rural house and manage with dh on a minimum wage job and I am a sahm to our two dc. What people don't know, however, is that the reason I am in a fortunate position to be very nearly mortgage free is because I nursed my own grandmother (who looked after me as a child because my own mum was schizophrenic and in and out of mental hospital) at home though terminal cancer and gave up university etc to do so because I loved her. She sold her house and brought into ours. So we are very lucky.

I am also very unwell so despite us having very little money on paper I won't work - I have a pituitary tumour and kidney problems. However I am not eligible for dla, which I understand.

I also left an abusive ex with my dd at 6 months old.

Everyone has a story, sometimes it is a little darker despite the outside being bright.

Salmotrutta · 14/12/2013 11:06

LifeIsNotFair - you really dont "love her to bits".

You are not a good friend.

And I have learned a lovely new phrase today :-

The only time you should look into your neighbour's bowl is to make sure they have enough

I like that! Smile

D0G · 14/12/2013 11:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sutekidane · 14/12/2013 11:06

Massive differences up north too gamer. I've just moved from a big city in the NE where they have changed their whole list because the social housing is in such short supply so its difficult to even get on the list. You use to just have to have low income to get on but now you have to be being made homeless. Where I live now in the NW is a small town and a two bed seems to come up once every three or four months with at least 10/11 bids on it. It's difficult to get on the list too.

Fairylea · 14/12/2013 11:07

(I mean I took dd and left abusive ex... my post sounds like I left him with her!)

sutekidane · 14/12/2013 11:07

And one bed places have incredibly high number of bids. One had 47 Shock

AmberLeaf · 14/12/2013 11:07

You sure her rent is half of what you pay?

Even in the north they don't tend to be that much cheaper.

Private renting is shit, but being homeless and fleeing DV is shitter.

Obviously having a council tenancy or being able to buy would be better for you, but don't begrudge your friend, it's not nice and gets you no where.

I really don't see why you cant have a second child though? a 2 bed is fine to have 2 children in and its not like you have to factor your loss o earnings in as you only work one day a week. Your partners wage is good for the area you live in so you should be fine.

Do you have a lot of outoings? anything unessential that you could cut back on?

RandomMess · 14/12/2013 11:10

Life, perhaps this is much more about your yearning to have another dc. Is your dh against it because of finances?

RandomMess · 14/12/2013 11:12

Your rent sounds high for where you live unless you are in one of the more expensive cities/large towns? Can you really not get any more work - evenings or weekends or something?