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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be jealous of my friend having DC3? they can only afford it as they are in a council house! She doesn't even work.

209 replies

LifeIsNotFair · 14/12/2013 10:30

DH and I are 30. have one dc who is 5. And I want another one so badly ....We live in a 2 bed private rent and pay £650 a month. DH earns OK money and I work part time, just one day a week atm, am tryng to get more hours but no joy. It it is not quite enough to get a mortgage and even if it was we have nothing spare to save for a deposit.

My BF is also 3O. She has a DS, 8, with her ex. Her ex was violent and it got worse when her ds was born. she left him when when her DS was a baby, and they ended up in a B&B while they were found accomodation. She was given a 2 bed HA house. When her DS was about 2 she met her now DH, who is lovely. He took on her DS as his own, then they quickly had a DC together (her DC2) and got married. A couple of years ago they managed to get a swap to a 3 bed council house. She is now ready to have DC3 any day.

BF's DH earns similar to my DH (about 28k). The difference is their rent is about half what we pay, so they are able to afford dc3 without too many worries. They have done their house up as it was in quite a bad state when they moved in. But it is gorgeous now as her DH is handy with DIY, new kitchen, new carpets and wood floors everywhere, nice tidy garden. we can't do anything like that to ours, there's no point as we don't know how long we will get to stay here, plus we can't afford it anyway as no spare cash. They have a car each and she does not work, she wants to when the DCS are bigger but atm she really doesn't need to. The DCS have whatever they like. They are also saving for a deposit to buy it as they have right to buy. We are in the North btw so 28k is ok money where we are.

I freely admit I am jealous as hell :( but I feel bad that I feel like that. as she really is lovely, and I love her to bits. And I know she got where she is via shitty circumstances but my god has she landed on her feet now. Envy

OP posts:
DownstairsMixUp · 14/12/2013 11:12

Sorry gamerchick like i said, I am on a low income but never really understood it properly, will have to read up more about it!

I agree with what the others are saying though OP, a two bed house is ok isn't it for two kids? I shared with my brother till I was about 9 in a bedroom with bunk beds when I was little and lots of others do it. If it's money the budgeting boards are good, I've had lots of good tips off there!

AmberLeaf · 14/12/2013 11:12

The only time you should look into your neighbour's bowl is to make sure they have enough

Yes that's a good one!

I also like;

'The only time you should look down on someone, is if you are helping them up'

janey68 · 14/12/2013 11:12

I still think you need to look at your own choices you've made OP.

You and your DH are both 30 with a child of 5 years
That means you conceived when you were both 24/25. Very young by many people's standards... A lot of people wait much longer to build up savings, earning, maybe get a mortgage. Secondly, whatever hours you worked before having your child, you would have been entitled to keep. So, either you were only working one day a week in your early 20s with no kids, or you chose to stop work/ massively reduce hours. Now, I'm not saying that wrong, it's your and your dh's choice, but again, it's one many of us wouldn't make. Many people continue working ft or at least a lot more than one day.

If you aren't happy with your life then make changes. With one child at school and with only one days work you have masses of capacity to work more (even if just stacking shelves to top up your current work) or you could retrain/ study....

I'll reserve my sympathy for people in your position but who are already working two full time jobs between them because they dont have the spare capacity to change things.

Stop focusing on your friend: look at your own life and work on that. I would also consider moving to a cheaper part of the country - again, it's what many of us do. I was raised in the Home Counties, my extended family are still there but I moved away straight after Uni because I knew housing would be out of my reach there.

Envy will get you nowhere. Take charge of your own life and then you really won't be jealous of anyone else.

gamerchick · 14/12/2013 11:12

The bidding thing is insane.. maybe it's just my town.. exchanges for 1 beds in shop windows.. A couple of friends got out of private rent into 3 bed house just because of overcrowding. No doubt it'll get tough here at some point.

Idespair · 14/12/2013 11:16

Op you should have another baby now IMO. You don't need any more bedrooms (although it would be nice), if dc2 is same sex as dc1 you can keep them in the same room forever but if not you can keep the baby/toddler in with you for a long time (years if necessary). The longer you leave the age gap, the more expensive dc2 will be. From the pov of handing stuff down etc, economies of scale. Since you are working one day per week at the moment, the temporary loss of your income is more manageable now than it would be if you got to the stage where you were doing more days.

I think that your desire for dc2 is clouding your views of your friend. If you had dc2 I think you would feel much happier and less jealous. Your family would be complete and you could then set about solving the rest of it.

Your rent is high compared to a mortgage on the same property. Are you able to ask any of your parents for a long term loan for a deposit for a house? As if you were paying a 400 mortgage instead of a 600 rent you would be substantially better off and could also make small payments (50-100) initially to the loaning parents. And still you would be better off but have security.

Jealousy whilst understandable will not achieve anything for you. So, instead of that, try to take major steps to improving your situation.

specialsubject · 14/12/2013 11:16

'private renting is a rip-off' - yawn, yawn. Your landlord has a mortgage to pay, or perhaps WORKED to earn the house you live in. Your landlord has to insure it and maintain it. Your landlord risks you not paying the rent and trashing the place, and the resulting expense in the four months plus it will take to remove you. No, you hopefully won't do this - BUT PEOPLE DO.

you can leave at a month's notice. Feel free to do so and rent somewhere cheaper. You could move to my town and get the same size house for less. And yes, there is work and it is a nice place to live.

your friend gets cheaper rent because it is subsidised by everyone who pays council tax, and other taxes. Including you and me. That's fine by me.

jealousy is a playground emotion.

Dumpylump · 14/12/2013 11:18

Have you looked into a Housing Association property for you and your family? Are you on the council waiting list if they have one? Have you considered the governments "Help to Buy" scheme? Would you change your part time, one day a week job to something else, or perhaps take on a second part time position?
The are lot of positive steps you could be taking, rather than sitting about complaining about how hard done by you are, and how lucky your friend is. It strikes me that she deserves every bit of good fortune that she has had.
If that sounds harsh, then tough. I was going to say that I didn't mean to sound brusque, but actually, I did mean it.
I can see parallels between your friends story and my own.... I have no money worries, have a lovely home, and don't work, but if I could change the circumstances that have led to this, then I would, in a heartbeat.

gamerchick · 14/12/2013 11:22

Council rents are not subsidised. Fuxache.

todaysdateis · 14/12/2013 11:25

Not sure the op will be back - less than an hour after her posting most have told her to get stop being so jealous of a 'best' friend and get on and change her life, offering solutions - I don't think she will take up - she seems so 'poor is me' not realising how much worse off she could be.

And who said 'life is fair'???

Badvocatyuletide · 14/12/2013 11:25

Comparison is the thief of joy

inadreamworld · 14/12/2013 11:32

I think you are being V U. Life isn't fair we all all in different circumstances. Your friend has been through some really tough times and deserves her luck. Three DCs can share a room ,especially when they are young. We have 2 girls in same room and would happily put a third in there if one came along. I have friends better and worse off than I am you only make yourself unhappy by comparing.

LtEveDallas · 14/12/2013 11:33

There is nothing wrong with 'only' having one child. Think about how much 'more' your child gets from you in respect of attention, love, material things, space, peace and calm. Look at the positives of having one rather than the desire to have another.

We should all cut our cloth according to our means. Who knows, maybe you will find a full time job, or your partner will get a pay rise. You'd be able to 'afford' another child then, but you might find that you'd rather spend that money on something else - Maybe you will then be able to afford your own home and not have to worry about landlords and rent.

Look at the things you can do to enhance your life, rather than being envious of others.

tunnocksteacake · 14/12/2013 11:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NigellaLaw5on · 14/12/2013 11:38

They are probably committing benefit fraud to be able to live such a lavish lifestyle wirh 2 cars and neing able to save for a deposit. You should report them on tje off chance that they are, if they are then they'll get all they deserve if not then they've nothing to worry about.

mrsjay · 14/12/2013 11:39

why do you need a 3 bed house for 2 children it is not your friends fault in the nicest possible way when i lived in a council flat i paid full rent on a 2 bed with 2 children if you want another baby have a baby dont blame other people and don't blame them for you not having enough money this is bitternes and it will eat you alive ,

janey68 · 14/12/2013 11:41

Tunnocks post puts everything into perspective

MoreThanChristmasCrackers · 14/12/2013 11:42

I don't think that rent is higher than most places except the north perhaps. Round here a 2 bed terrace with a very small yard would cost you £425/£450 anything smarter, slightly bigger in same area and you are into the £500s/£600s

MoreThanChristmasCrackers · 14/12/2013 11:46

Nigella
How on earth can you think that having 2 cars, savings equates to benefit fraud.
We save our tax credits and have bought 2 houses, had holidays, pay for private tuition etc, by living frugally the rest of the time and cutting back on some essentials, other luxuries to do this.
We all live differently, and have different priorities in life.

lydiamama · 14/12/2013 11:48

Can you move to a cheaper rent area and then have your own baby? We have done so, and so happy with the school and the area it is gorgeous, an so quiet, but 200 pounds cheaper a month.

Heartbrokenmum73 · 14/12/2013 11:55

Nigella

What a mean thing to post, after everything that poor bloody woman has been through. Since when is two cars a 'lavish lifestyle'?

And telling the OP to report her friend for benefit fraud based on your small-minded conjecture is incredibly spiteful.

AmberLeaf · 14/12/2013 11:59

Nigella what a stupid thing to post.

Or, what Heartbrokenmum said.

pianodoodle · 14/12/2013 12:01

We rent privately too.

Currently paying higher rent than you OP for a 2 bedroom and not even bringing in as much although we're just about scraping by.

We have a 2 and a half year old and second baby is due in a couple of weeks.

We'll manage - just! We felt it would be easier to have the babies closer together as then I can focus on building up my work once they're a wee bit older, rather than having a big gap then maybe losing work and having to start again with it.

Obviously we wish we had more money but 2 bedrooms will do fine while they're small, and hopefully things will get better over the next couple of years as DH works his way up in his job and I start to earn some more too.

For now we'll just muddle through but I'd rather do it while they are very young than when they're old enough to start wanting more expensive things than nappies, wipes and second hand toys :)

lottieandmia · 14/12/2013 12:04

Nigella - it is not ok to report someone on the off chance - if you do this you cause a lot of stress for the people concerned. Shame on you - it does not sound as if they are committing any kind of fraud at all. You don't have to be on minimum wage to live in a council house.

OP YABU - why don't you focus on the things that you have to be thankful for instead of resenting your friend whose life you probably don't know everything about anyway. Your jealousy of her will affect your friendship in a very detrimental way. Jealousy is a very negative emotion to have about anyone. If you were a true friend you would not want her life to be bad just because you're not satisfied with your lot.

HECTheHeraldAngelsSing · 14/12/2013 12:05

Bloody hell. If i had a friend who had been through all that, id just be so thankful that they were no longer beaten and terrified. That they were safe in their own home. That they had someone who loved them.
If you arent happy with what youve got then look for ways to change that. Dont begrudge someone who has been through hell finally having some safety and security.

JinglingRexManningDay · 14/12/2013 12:09

Fuck off Nigella . Spouting shite just to get people riled up.
As usual.