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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

not to share substantial present with DH?

220 replies

mintspies · 11/12/2013 20:16

Ok, a bit of context. DH and I have finally after a number of years of struggling decided that we do not want to share a room with eachother, let alone a bed. It's been a long journey - and we both now realise after lots of unsatisfactory nights of waking eachother up (he pees three times a night, i snore etc etc) that we would rather have our intimate cuddles in a bed that one of us then leaves to sleep elsewhere. i know quite a few people think this is really weird, but it seems to work well for us.
The big issue that i am now posting about that has spurred this final decision (to realise we are never going to share a bed/ room) is that my mum has just offered to buy us a bed and is giving us (well, me) 1,500 pounds to buy a lovely bed, as she has just come into some money. I have been sleeping on a really awful mattress on the floor for years now and have lower back problems which are being made worse. As we have now made our final decision that we do not want to share a bed ever really, dh thinks that the money should be shared between two new beds (one for his room and one for mine), if we are not going to buy one that we are going to share.

Frankly, I am gutted not to buy the bed I want with the money my mum wants to give me.

Am i being unreasonable to say no, I dont want to share the money for the bed and buy two not very nice beds?

My mum has made it really clear that she is only giving me the money for one decent bed as she it is real thing for her that I havent ever sorted out a decent bed for me/ us.

Additionally, which i think is fuelling my chagrin, is that my dh has given up a well paying job to be a student for a few years, which I am happy to support and so i am the main earner, but i really do think - well, if you want a bed, get a part time job, which he could do, instead of making me make yet another sacrifice.

Am I being Unreasonable?

OP posts:
Chattymummyhere · 11/12/2013 20:19

Buy one bed and say your mum picked it and that you could hardly refuse since after all it is her money.

chocolatewine · 11/12/2013 20:19

Where has dh been sleeping whilst you've been on the mattress on the floor?

sneezecakesmum · 11/12/2013 20:20

Not in the slightest bit U!

Enjoy you new bed when you get it Xmas Grin

Original poster
mintspies · 11/12/2013 20:21

DH is on relatively crappy single bed in the spare room (but it was only today that i heard it was so bad he needed a new one!)

OP posts:
fuzzywuzzy · 11/12/2013 20:22

Why did you even tell him?

Order the bed and make sure it has good matress for your bad back. It's yours.

Will you be happy with this arrangmeent sounds untenable to me.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 11/12/2013 20:24

YANBU

YOUR mother is buying a present for YOU.

If she wanted to buy you a pair of shoes, would your husband insist that you each buy a cheaper pair with her money?

The fucking cheek of him!

He'll get a nicer bed for the "intimate cuddles".

Where's he been sleeping while you were on the mattress getting a bad back?

In a BED perchance?

lymiemum · 11/12/2013 20:26

i think Yabu.
you could split the money and have 750 each, more than enough for a decent bed.
by saying no i think it will build some resentment.
you have decided you both need better sleep but you seem to be saying yours is more improtant.
its not like he has had a great king size bed for yrs while you slept on the floor.

Original poster
mintspies · 11/12/2013 20:26

like your thinking chattymum but i think i will have to be upfront in case of being rumbled. i feel as though i should share everything financial with him because he is my husband but feeling like this is too far - perhaps this is selfish of me?

OP posts:
NaturalBlondeYeahRight · 11/12/2013 20:27

YABU
If his bed is rubbish as well then that seems very harsh. Can you imagine if that was posted in relationships in reverse?
Eg My husband will buy himself an expensive new bed but I have to sleep in an old single bed.
It's the January sales soon, surely 1.5k can buy 2 good beds?

HECTheHeraldAngelsSing · 11/12/2013 20:27

Will it cause resentment though?
I'd buy a slightly cheaper bed and a new mattress for his single bed.

PrimalLass · 11/12/2013 20:28

two not very nice beds

Surely £1500 would buy two nice beds, not two not very nice ones?

Original poster
mintspies · 11/12/2013 20:28

lymie mum, good points.... we could share it, but then im giving up my the mahogony sleigh bed with pocket sprung mattress ive had my eye on...
joinyourplayfellows, love your outrage thats how i've been feeling

OP posts:
Bluestocking · 11/12/2013 20:30

Can I ask a cheeky question? How old are you, how old is your mum, and how long have you been married? I have a reason for asking, promise!

Original poster
mintspies · 11/12/2013 20:30

natural blonde, yes i agree, i guess he has been fine with his bed and saying how much he likes it up until today when we agreed we woudlnt try to share a room/ new bed....

and it is true it is the january sales coming and im sure we could get two nice enough beds .... but i think i will feel a bit resentful

OP posts:
fuzzywuzzy · 11/12/2013 20:31

If OP had not been sleeping on the floor on a matress the sharing of the money for two beds would have been a sound suggestion.

However she's been sleeping on the floor (with a bad back) her H is on a bed and he's not complained about it till now.

The money is a gift frem OP's mum to OP, mum has specified it is only for her.

I'd show mum the bed and ask her to order it for you and not give you the money at all, if she sends you a bed as a gift there's nothing to share out.

Bluestocking · 11/12/2013 20:31

PS. And I'm not trying to work out if I know you!

HellonHeels · 11/12/2013 20:32

Your mum is buying you a gift, presumably because she's hated seeing you suffer from sleeping on a horrible mattress on the floor.

Get the bed you want.

I suspect your feelings are about more than just the bed. Doesn't sound like DH is pulling his weight.

Original poster
mintspies · 11/12/2013 20:32

blue stocking this could out me! but i will tell you. im 36, my mum is 67 and we've been married 5 years....

OP posts:
Ifcatshadthumbs · 11/12/2013 20:33

I think you should split it. Even if you spend £1000 on yourself and £500 on your DH. If the roles were reversed people would be saying LTB

lymiemum · 11/12/2013 20:33

the decision to no longer share ws made today?
when did your mum offer you this money?
and what has happened to your marital bed?

justmuddlingalong · 11/12/2013 20:34

I think you are being incredibly selfish. Your husband is sleeping on a relatively crappy single bed in the spare room. He may be a student but does he have to sleep like one?

fuzzywuzzy · 11/12/2013 20:34

I wouldn't be saying anything different if the OP was reveresed, in fact I think OP should LTB anyway. I see this relationship only going downhill with OP having most to lose.

Original poster
mintspies · 11/12/2013 20:34

fuzzywuzzy i love your righteous anger!

hellon heels, it probably is about more that the bed. i thin kit is about me being my own person and having my own choices while making a lot of compromise personally and financially. but im not quite sure ill need to think about it.

OP posts:
Bluestocking · 11/12/2013 20:35

My gut feeling about this situation is that your mum does not like your DH, she doesn't like the fact that he's not providing for you properly, and she wants to try and make you comfortable as best she can. Does that ring true at all?

SteamWisher · 11/12/2013 20:35

Well your mum said it's for you. So if she really means it then get her to buy it.

Then get your DH to buy himself a bed and your sharing bed. So you've all got new ones. You can get cheap ones from ikea!

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