Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

not to share substantial present with DH?

220 replies

mintspies · 11/12/2013 20:16

Ok, a bit of context. DH and I have finally after a number of years of struggling decided that we do not want to share a room with eachother, let alone a bed. It's been a long journey - and we both now realise after lots of unsatisfactory nights of waking eachother up (he pees three times a night, i snore etc etc) that we would rather have our intimate cuddles in a bed that one of us then leaves to sleep elsewhere. i know quite a few people think this is really weird, but it seems to work well for us.
The big issue that i am now posting about that has spurred this final decision (to realise we are never going to share a bed/ room) is that my mum has just offered to buy us a bed and is giving us (well, me) 1,500 pounds to buy a lovely bed, as she has just come into some money. I have been sleeping on a really awful mattress on the floor for years now and have lower back problems which are being made worse. As we have now made our final decision that we do not want to share a bed ever really, dh thinks that the money should be shared between two new beds (one for his room and one for mine), if we are not going to buy one that we are going to share.

Frankly, I am gutted not to buy the bed I want with the money my mum wants to give me.

Am i being unreasonable to say no, I dont want to share the money for the bed and buy two not very nice beds?

My mum has made it really clear that she is only giving me the money for one decent bed as she it is real thing for her that I havent ever sorted out a decent bed for me/ us.

Additionally, which i think is fuelling my chagrin, is that my dh has given up a well paying job to be a student for a few years, which I am happy to support and so i am the main earner, but i really do think - well, if you want a bed, get a part time job, which he could do, instead of making me make yet another sacrifice.

Am I being Unreasonable?

OP posts:
LittleBearPad · 12/12/2013 01:08

Wait for the January sales OP. You can get two beds. They dint need yo cost the same £1k:£500 maybe or use some interest free credit.

PRwench · 12/12/2013 01:31

First world problems.

I think it's pretty selfish to be lording it up in a huge bed whilst hubby is crammed in a single bed. If you still love him and are simply sleeping apart for a good nights sleep, gave a bit of respect for him. Aren't your incomes joint?

Bogeyface · 12/12/2013 01:31

I am agog at some responses!

If a woman said that she and her DH were happy but decided to sleep apart and that he has said he was going to spend a gift from his parents to get himself a £1.5k bed and she was still stuck in a crappy single there would be outcry!

I dont see the issue in her accepting the money and then spending it on 2 good beds. Why does she deserve a more expensive bed than him? Her mother is shit stirring and by allowing that to happen the OP is creating an issue in her marriage that need not be there. If her mother pushes it she can show her mum her new bed and just say that she bought a specialist mattress, so the base cost £500 and the mattress cost £1000.

mayorquimby · 12/12/2013 01:37

"whenever there are posts about a DH/DP getting a present of cash etc and they don't share it/put it in the family pot there MN is full of "not fair", "he's being selfish" etc - then there's this post and the majority are saying that the DH is in the wrong....its times like this when I don't get MN; double standards "

My first thought also especially regarding inheritance or work bonus etc

Unbelievably mean and unreasonable

PileOfSheet · 12/12/2013 01:58

I love the typical hypocrisy in here as usual; the same women who insist on how every scrap of income is 'family' money if it's a man's income; yet funny how it's not the same when it's a woman bringing in extra money isn't it?

Seriously why are some people so hypocritical for their own gender? I honestly don't understand it.

IneedAsockamnesty · 12/12/2013 02:21

I have never ever posted on any thread ever saying a man should share birthday or Christmas gifts indervidually given to him.

My opinion is

It very much depends on how the I will buy you a bed conversation with your mum went.

If it went along these lines " you sleep apart do you think having a decent bed would mean you wouldn't have to?" Then yabu.

If her sole intention was to purchase you a bed but practical reasons means she can't actually make the purchase herself so has passed the money to you to buy it,then its very offish to treat it as a actual cash gift because that was not her intention you should treat the cash as if it were the actual item she intended to buy you. it could be considered to be dishonest not to.

I.e "I would like to buy you a bed but I do not have net access and am unable to get to the shops,what one would you like and how much does it cost"

You tell her this one its 1500 but you actually buy yourself a much cheaper one say 500 you've cheated your mum out of 1000 because if you wanted a 500 bed you should have just said "it costs 500"

I get quite Hmm about this whole share personal gifts thing, if I give a gift to someone I'm gifting it to them if I wanted to also gift another person then I would but if I don't I won't. If you share it because you want to then fair enough its your gift but if I thought you would be harassed into sharing then I would not have given the gift in the first place.

Mn opened my eyes to this whole bully cash gifts out of people and steal your children's gift money grasping attitude that is about and its the reason why I now never give cash gifts.

IneedAsockamnesty · 12/12/2013 02:29

yet funny how it's not the same when it's a woman bringing in extra money isn't it?

She's not bringing in extra money, her mother has agreed to provide her with the means to buy a particular item with the sole intention of her buying that item because she knows the op needs it. She hasn't just said "oh here's a wad of cash go get yourself something nice"

Isetan · 12/12/2013 05:52

Excepting the money and doing exactly as your mother wishes, knowing that her intentions are divisive shows a level contempt for your partner which I would find hard to forgive. If you go ahead with the sole purchase, good luck getting a good nights sleep on a symbol of your relationship resentment.

Oh and for those suggesting that she gets her mother to buy the bed of her dreams, so she can pretend that the decision was out of her hands, well, way to go in elevating a selfish decision into a selfish and cowardly one.

1500 pounds could could easily buy two beds and counselling.

Coconutty · 12/12/2013 06:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsNoodleHead · 12/12/2013 06:42

I would worry about the precedent set and what it would mean for the balance of your relationship in future.

Will it constantly niggle him that you have something nicer?

What happens if/when your positions are reversed and he decides to take the same approach?

If you want your marriage to be better, share the money. If you are prepared to take the risk of setting an "every man for himself" precedent, then buy the bed you want.

tumbletumble · 12/12/2013 06:47

To the posters talking about a woman bringing in extra money, don't you think there is a difference between earned money and a present from someone?

I think in principle it is a present to the OP and she should be able to do what she wants with it. However also think that in practice it would be mean to leave DH in his crappy single.

Lavenderhoney · 12/12/2013 07:00

If you think you're marriage is for keeps then get 2 beds. If you think you'll spilt up get one.

But you might need the money for when you leave, so that's an expensive item to be spending your money on.

Do both you and your dm think your dh shouldn't have given up his job, if it means your sleeping arrangements now are so bad? I must say, him in a single now and you on a mattress doesn't sound like there is anywhere comfy for meeting up for sex. Unless you have a sofa bed! How long has this arrangement been for?

Jinty64 · 12/12/2013 07:03

What Coconutty says.

Twattyzombiebollocks · 12/12/2013 07:05

It is a bit off and I would be miffed if I was your husband tbh.
Fwiw I have a bad back and when we moved house we bought a very expensive bed with a pocket sprung mattress with a memory foam top layer. It's nice, and I sleep ok on it.
My son has quite a cheap bed with a latex memory foam mattress on that cost less than a quarter what my mattress did, even taking into account size. Guess which bed I sleep better on?

Eastpoint · 12/12/2013 07:15

Why don't you buy a good divan in an appropriate size and a headboard, there should be enough money left to buy your DH a new mattress? No need to spend huge amounts of money on a bed frame as that won't help you sleep better.

ProfPlumSpeaking · 12/12/2013 07:16

I was going to ask the same thing as Juneau's husband - are you both ill/ overweight? The reason for asking is that your main issue stems from not sleeping well and disturbing one another. If you could sort that out then you could buy one lovely bed and have cuddles all night. Your husband peeing several times a night could indicate prostate trouble. I really hope he has had that checked out. Your back problems and snoring could be caused by being overweight, and would almost certainly be relieved by losing some weight to become slimmer (unless of course you are already BMI 20 or so). But you have said you are not ill or overweight so bang go those helpful suggestions....

Original poster
mintspies · 12/12/2013 08:50

i see thanks all for health related tips. I agree about the peeing but dh resolutely will not do anything about it and says well some people just need to pee more.

with respect to posters saying that if this were reversed then we would be all up in arms - i do hear that. its just that this is a gift from my mum to me, and i would like to be able to enjoy it and save up for a decent bed for my dh over the next few months. I think me spending 1000 on a bed i like (thanks for all links and suggerstions!), giving him 500 and saving up another 500 would be the best solution.

i do appreciate everyones thoughts on this.

OP posts:
Original poster
mintspies · 12/12/2013 08:52

hehe coconutty it most probalbly isnt!

OP posts:
Original poster
mintspies · 12/12/2013 08:55

just to explain the context of the new bed, really we had talked about it being such a priority becuase the crappy mattress of floor situation means that we can never share becuase its so awful . so we thought that if we got a decent bed we would be able to share. then we realised taht we both enjoy the certain amount of personal freedom that separate bedrooms allows us both and we dont want to give it up.

my mum initially offered the money so that we could buy a decent double bed ether to share or just for me, but not with the intention of it being 'two' beds, as she feels strongly about decent mattresses etc.

of course i know it sounds a lot of money but she spent an equivalent amount 30 years ago and feels she has got a lot of value for money from her bed.

OP posts:
Floggingmolly · 12/12/2013 08:57

So, at the moment you have a crappy single bed and a mattress on the floor.
Is this really the way it's always been? Confused Didn't you ever have a double or at least two singles??? I can't believe you've slept like this for years...

ProfPlumSpeaking · 12/12/2013 08:59

Your DH should certainly pursue medical investigations. If he ignores that then you could well have much bigger problems than who gets the expensive bed. Can you find some literature on prostate symptoms for him to read? - I appreciate he is a grown man and that it is not your job to do that but presumably he is someone you care about and it is easy for people to ignore their own medical issues if not prompted.

DoesntLeftoverTurkeySoupDragOn · 12/12/2013 09:08

How would you feel if he went out and spent £1500 on a new bed and left you sleeping on a crappy mattress on the floor?

The fact that you are even seriously considering it says to me that the marriage is pretty much doomed.

DoesntLeftoverTurkeySoupDragOn · 12/12/2013 09:09

also agree that your DH needs to see a GP about the weeing.

MistressDeeCee · 12/12/2013 09:16

OP is already financially supporting him, and its a cheek for him to put his eye on her mother's money in an 'entitled' way. Mother is perfectly entitled to give a daughter a monetary gift if she wants to. Its 1500 not 10,000. He's already being financially supported by OP after giving up his job to study, and not bothering to get a part-time job; he wouldn't have done this if he didn't have OP to fall back on financially. Its a cheek. I have 2 teen DDs at Uni, they work part-time to pay their way they don't expect to be fully supported so why exactly can't a grown man do same? Is he 'entitled' just because he's a husband and if so, in what way?

OP, you keep your money. Enjoy the gift your DM gave to you, as her daughter. Tell him your mum decided to buy bed direct.

MistressDeeCee · 12/12/2013 09:20

Oh - & I feel you should both look into your medical issues further, you don't want any health problems getting worse if left unattended