not to share substantial present with DH?

[mintspies]

Ok, a bit of context. DH and I have finally after a number of years of struggling decided that we do not want to share a room with eachother, let alone a bed. It's been a long journey - and we both now realise after lots of unsatisfactory nights of waking eachother up (he pees three times a night, i snore etc etc) that we would rather have our intimate cuddles in a bed that one of us then leaves to sleep elsewhere. i know quite a few people think this is really weird, but it seems to work well for us.
The big issue that i am now posting about that has spurred this final decision (to realise we are never going to share a bed/ room) is that my mum has just offered to buy us a bed and is giving us (well, me) 1,500 pounds to buy a lovely bed, as she has just come into some money. I have been sleeping on a really awful mattress on the floor for years now and have lower back problems which are being made worse. As we have now made our final decision that we do not want to share a bed ever really, dh thinks that the money should be shared between two new beds (one for his room and one for mine), if we are not going to buy one that we are going to share.

Frankly, I am gutted not to buy the bed I want with the money my mum wants to give me.

Am i being unreasonable to say no, I dont want to share the money for the bed and buy two not very nice beds?

My mum has made it really clear that she is only giving me the money for one decent bed as she it is real thing for her that I havent ever sorted out a decent bed for me/ us.

Additionally, which i think is fuelling my chagrin, is that my dh has given up a well paying job to be a student for a few years, which I am happy to support and so i am the main earner, but i really do think - well, if you want a bed, get a part time job, which he could do, instead of making me make yet another sacrifice.

Am I being Unreasonable?

We have a Kingsize(?)

It's two single mattresses in the same frame, with a single quilt each.

So, no fighting over covers or feeling the other turn over.

Works for us, but might not solve the problem of being disturbed by snoring or someone regularly getting out of bed.

I think you husband needs to go to the GP!

I couldn't not share the money tbh, even if it was 1000/500 with the larger part to me.

I'd use £1000 and he buys a mattress with the remainder.

Buy the biggest, best bed you can with the money. Definitely wait until Jan sales or look for end of line/model deals to get more for your money. Do NOT buy two crappy beds. You spend x number of years of your life in bed. If it's a good enough bed i.e super king/ two joined doubles, you might even be able to sleep in the same bed again. DP has the most gorgeous bed - so big that you can have a restless night without the other person realising at all.

If my DP's mother treated me like yours is treating your DP, I would fucking hate her.

I love my DH and couldn't enjoy an expensive bed knowing he was on a crappy single. You clearly resent supporting him.

My DH has supported me for 8 years and he would never treat himself better than he treats me. He doesn't "resent" the "sacrifice", he does his bit and I do mine and we are a team.

YABU. I think you are punishing him.

I'd rather refuse the money from my shit-stirring 'D'M than be so selfish and greedy.

With that amount of money you can easily afford two decent beds with very good mattresses particularly as there are bound to be some great sales on within the next couple of weeks.

Not only will you both getting a decent nights sleep help your relationship, but you'll also not be adding more potential for resentment into the relationship.

£1500 is a silly amount of money for a bed. We are about to get a new bed and will be spending less than £200.

You say that you are both happy with the arrangement of separate rooms but then you are both bickering over a minor issue related to the separate rooms. This suggests to me that one or both of you is not really happy with the separate room arrangement or your problems are actually bigger than your sleeping arrangements.

It might be just me, but since when does £750 buy a "crappy" bed? OP is hardly going to suffer if she only spends nearly 800 on a bed for herself.

"OP is hardly going to suffer if she only spends nearly 800 on a bed for herself."

But then she needs to return the £700 to her mother.

Who has not offered to buy two beds, but has offered to buy HER DAUGHTER a bed costing £1500.

There is no reason why they can't save up (and really, it will be the OP doing the saving, won't it? Because he won't even get a part time job despite the fact that they are struggling.)

But the gift of a bed is from mother to daughter, so the options are

1. decline it
2. accept it

There is not another option where she rips her mother off to the tune of £700 to keep her husband happy.

i think youre being selfish tbh.

Nothing wrong with seperate rooms or beds, but it wouldnt even occur to me to have an amazing one, and leave dh with a shit one, rather than get two mid priced ones.

Id get both of you decent mattresses, and then cheaper beds.

Unless of course youre not actually that into each other as a couple and are planning on leaving

I wouldn't accept a gift with conditions attached . The mother is a control freak, I would have a better nights sleep sleeping on the floor than accepting a ridiculous amount of money from someone with a hidden agenda.

Get the bed you want then both of th to the doctor's. Him to sort out his prostate (it isn't normal for a man to need to pee throughout the night) and you to sort out your airways and ease the snoring. Then maybe you could share it!

Here is that gorgeous mahogany sleigh bed that you are after for only £500.

cgi.ebay.co.uk/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=271158440672&clk_rvr_id=559584293597

My parents bought the same one and it's lovely. They made a trip to the shop to see it first then bought it, negotiating a further discount since they paid cash and the shop didn't have to pay ebay fees.

You can buy a beautiful mattress for £200:
www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/B008I1E374?SubscriptionId=17ZNWQMWNAY2K2SFHV82&tag=offeroftheday-21&linkCode=xm2&camp=2025&creative=165953&creativeASIN=B008I1E374

If you shop around and you love your husband and it's only about the bed then you can both get lovely ones.

If this is about more than a bed and there's an underlying issue here, buying a £1,500 bed for yourself and leaving him on a single won't make either of you happy.

Sorry not time to read the whole thread.

BUT your mum is giving you money to buy one bed. So, go to the bed showroom, choose one big bed for £1500 and let her hand over the cash.

However you will have visited two days before, explained the situation to the salesperson and chosen two beds. The shop will change the sale to the two beds after your mum has left the shop, you get two beds delivered, everyone happy. Especially the salesman.

Obviously I am ignoring other underlying issues about why your mother thinks you should sleep in luxury while your dh sleeps like a student!

"I wouldn't accept a gift with conditions attached"

There are no conditions attached.

A mother is offering to buy her daughter, who suffers with a bad back, a very good bed that will help with her physical condition.

The fact that the couple choose to sleep separately is nothing to do with the mother, who is offering the gift to her daughter.

If her daughter's husband shared her bed, then he'd get the benefit of the gift. And he still will when he goes there for sex.

But the mother is NOT obliged to buy her son-in-law a bed just because she wants to buy one for her daughter.

And taking her money, buying a cheaper bed, and then keeping the rest of the money, is a very underhanded way to treat your own mother.

"However you will have visited two days before, explained the situation to the salesperson and chosen two beds. The shop will change the sale to the two beds after your mum has left the shop, you get two beds delivered, everyone happy. Especially the salesman."

Wow - you would STEAL money from your own mother?!

"Obviously I am ignoring other underlying issues about why your mother thinks you should sleep in luxury while your dh sleeps like a student!"

Presumably her mother doesn't think ANYTHING about where her son-in-law sleeps.

She wants to buy her daughter a bed.

If she bought her daughter a pair of very expensive shoes, would that create an obligation to buy a similarly expensive pair for her son-in-law?

Lest her daughter be walking around in luxury footwear while her son-in-law was shod like a student?

So the rule is - if someone is married, you aren't allowed to buy them a gift unless you get something of similar value for their spouse?

WTF?

There are conditions attached. The money must be spent on one bed!

I would say "look mum it's very kind but I can't justify buying a extortionately expensive bed when dh is roughing it on an uncomfortable bed. We would like to buy two very good beds with the money".

What is she going to do - surely she wouldn't say no to that ?

Sorry, but as much as I posted that the OP was being U, I'm amazed at all the at £1500 for a bed. It'll get you a good bed no doubt, but it's not a ridiculous amount if you can afford it.

I do not know where you get these fantastic mattresses for £200 new either. I've never seen one and we have recently bought beds.

One big bed for cuddling in, one single for one of you to sleep in.
That's plenty enough money.

I've spent the last few years living a bit nomadically. My current rented flat has along with all the others has got what i assume to be a really cheap contract mattress (Holbrook) on a slatted wooden frame.

However it is actually very comfortable. So much so I don't even need a mattress topper etc.

My own bed (currently is use by tenants was relatively expensive) but I actually notice no difference.

I think with 1500 you should be able to buy a lovely new double/king and a good mattress for your DH assuming that the existing base is adequate.

Does the mum even know that they sleep in different beds?

I see a lot of jumping to conclusions here and not enough evidence from the OP.

YABU
£1500 for a bed is ridiculous