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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

not to share substantial present with DH?

220 replies

mintspies · 11/12/2013 20:16

Ok, a bit of context. DH and I have finally after a number of years of struggling decided that we do not want to share a room with eachother, let alone a bed. It's been a long journey - and we both now realise after lots of unsatisfactory nights of waking eachother up (he pees three times a night, i snore etc etc) that we would rather have our intimate cuddles in a bed that one of us then leaves to sleep elsewhere. i know quite a few people think this is really weird, but it seems to work well for us.
The big issue that i am now posting about that has spurred this final decision (to realise we are never going to share a bed/ room) is that my mum has just offered to buy us a bed and is giving us (well, me) 1,500 pounds to buy a lovely bed, as she has just come into some money. I have been sleeping on a really awful mattress on the floor for years now and have lower back problems which are being made worse. As we have now made our final decision that we do not want to share a bed ever really, dh thinks that the money should be shared between two new beds (one for his room and one for mine), if we are not going to buy one that we are going to share.

Frankly, I am gutted not to buy the bed I want with the money my mum wants to give me.

Am i being unreasonable to say no, I dont want to share the money for the bed and buy two not very nice beds?

My mum has made it really clear that she is only giving me the money for one decent bed as she it is real thing for her that I havent ever sorted out a decent bed for me/ us.

Additionally, which i think is fuelling my chagrin, is that my dh has given up a well paying job to be a student for a few years, which I am happy to support and so i am the main earner, but i really do think - well, if you want a bed, get a part time job, which he could do, instead of making me make yet another sacrifice.

Am I being Unreasonable?

OP posts:
PrimalLass · 12/12/2013 13:46

Yeah, I can imagine that thread and everyone would say his mother had a perfect right to buy him a bed if she wanted to and that their sleeping arrangements were nothing to do with her.

No, they would be saying awful things about the MIL and the DH.

Original poster
mintspies · 12/12/2013 13:46

Wow thanking all for replies just had a chance to read up on all the replies. I really appreciated them- this is a gender, work, finances, childcare post all wrapped up in a bed. Thank you for all food for thought. I have written as much context as I can in my subsequent posts without giving myself away too much.

OP posts:
JoinYourPlayfellows · 12/12/2013 13:52

Why would anyone say mean things about a person offering to buy their child a present?

This couple needs two beds.

They are skint.

The OP's mother is offering to buy an expensive piece of furniture for their home.

But apparently that's not acceptable, because it's a piece of furniture her daughter will use more than her son-in-law.

Even though her buying it means they will be able to afford a second bed sooner than otherwise.

It's crazy.

Would she be just as much of an evil bitch if she was offering to buy then armchair when her son-in-law prefers to sit on the sofa?

PrimalLass · 12/12/2013 14:09

Because if it was the other way round it would be seen as a controlling MIL problem. I am not saying the OP's mum is evil, but there any many threads of here about MILs and if this was reversed the opinions would be very different.

mintberry · 12/12/2013 14:25

Couldn't you buy a £1000 double bed and a £500 single or something like that? For most of us, £1000 is a lot itself for a bed. I love that phrase, 'first world problems'.

Joysmum · 12/12/2013 14:31

I can't imagine me or my hubby coming into money and not treating it as ours (shared) rather than the property of one. Last time I looked, marriage was meant to be an equal partnership? No wonder so many marriages end in divorce given some of the responses on here.

sparechange · 12/12/2013 14:31

Someone may have already pointed this out elsewhere, but I would be amazed if you could tell the difference in a £800 bed and a £1500 bed. You will sleep amazingly well in both.

Even if you split it £1000/£500 in favour of you, there is no way you can justify a massively expensive bed while you need 2 of them for the house

PosyNarker · 12/12/2013 14:39

It is different though:

  • We spend a third of our lives in bed, not on the sofa.
  • Like it or not married couples sleeping arrangements are often seen as indicative of the health of the relationship. Their seating arrangements, not so much.
  • They've only just agreed to separate rooms. If they hadn't, this offer would have helped both of them.
  • Separate rooms is effectively carving out 'own territory' in a house. Surely if that's the case, both areas should offer the same standard?

If OP does buy the big bed, I think there needs to be a proviso that (if possible) they save up some money to make this spare room 'his room' if this arrangement is going to be permanent.

CaramelisedOnion · 12/12/2013 14:46

1500 quid?!? You could buy 4 perfectly adequate beds for that! I spent 220 on my bed and mattress from Ikea, and it's a double and really comfy. If I was given all that money I'd be feeling luxurious spending 400 each on 2 beds and saving 700 quid for a rainy day. Different worlds!

yomellamoHelly · 12/12/2013 14:49

How about holding fire to buy bed until sales? Get exactly want you want. Then dh can spend whatever money is left on an upgrade. But must go on a bed. Otherwise you get to buy some lovely bedlinen.

yomellamoHelly · 12/12/2013 14:50

.... what you want!.....

Awkwardsis · 12/12/2013 15:45

Op, the best thing ,e and my dp have ever done for our relationship was buy a massive bed. We have an ikea super kingside that we got from eBay that came with a mattress worth almost £2000. I know not everyone would want to sleep on an old mattress, but it was practically new, and cost less than £100. I'm a chronic I so naiad and dp is a 6 foot 5 giant and the bed is so huge neither of us even notices the other. It is bloody amazing, and I sympathise with you not sleeping well together. I always much preferred sleeping alone, but tbh our giant bed is the next best thing. £1500 seems such an awful lot of money, especially if he's stuck with a crappy bed. I know if you were my dp I'd probably resent you for it tbh.

MmeGuillotine · 12/12/2013 16:06

I agree with Awkward - my husband and I stopped sharing a bed for about six months due to his epic snoring and my sciatica - so there was him in the dodgy old Ikea double bed in the bedroom and me sleeping on the sofa every night. We reasoned that as he was working and I was a SAHM, then he needed the bed more. ;)

He came into rather a lot of money a few years ago and the first thing he did with it was spend around £1,500 on a really nice bed for the main bedroom. I moved back in to see how it would pan out and haven't left as we just don't bother each other any more and it's so bloody comfy. It's fab.

However, I think I'd be a teeny tiny bit upset if he spent all that money on the bed and I was still on the sofa so it's lucky for him it all turned out well, really. ;)

Vampyreof · 12/12/2013 16:12

Posy it's silly to suggest you can't buy a 'decent' bed for less than £1500.

PrimalLass · 12/12/2013 16:12

As an aside, my OH was going to the loo a few times each night and has ditched caffeine. Problem solved. (It may have been the huge mugs of tea at 10pm rather than the caffeine, but he feels better whatever the reason.)

Vampyreof · 12/12/2013 16:14

Christ, the amount of threads I've seen about treating any money as 'household' money. Whoever has mentioned double standards is right.

MissBattleaxe · 12/12/2013 16:21

Agree totally about double standards.

I couldn't sleep in a brand new 1500 sleigh bed with an expensive mattress every night knowing my DH was in an uncomfortable single bed.

Is it a marriage or a contest?

Ephiny · 12/12/2013 16:26

Yes it seems like a double-standard to me too.

But more to the point, surely in a loving relationship it isn't all about grabbing what you can for yourself, or arguing over who's entitled to what, but about wanting to share, wanting your partner to be happy and comfortable? That's why this seems like an issue about more than just the bed.

PosyNarker · 12/12/2013 16:31

Vampyreof Not sure where I said you couldn't buy a decent bed for less than £1500?

I don't think it's a ridiculous amount for a bed if you can afford it and you will have a choice of decent beds at around that price, but I never said you couldn't get a decent one for less than that.

MissBattleaxe · 12/12/2013 16:34

Ephiny, exactly, surely the natural instinct would be to make sure someone you loved was happy and comfortable, not say "it's mine, you're not having it". Some marriage.

lateSeptember1964 · 12/12/2013 16:36

Never mind the bed. I'm more concerned that's he gets up three times in the night to go the loo. If he' mid forties or over he needs a doctors appointment.

IneedAsockamnesty · 12/12/2013 17:15

The ops mum has not just offered her a cash gift, she has offered to buy her a bed, not two beds.

Its amazing how free some people are with other people's money, if she can get a bed that she wants cheaper than £1500 she should return the remainder of the money to her mother anything else is dishonest and fraud. Unless her mother agrees to buy two beds or contribute towards two beds or let her keep any money left over.

An item that's expected to cost a few hundred pounds or more is a very generous gift how many of you would feel it was acceptable behaviour for anyone after being given a very generous gift to say well where's a second on for dh?

CiderwithBuda · 12/12/2013 17:25

I think YABU. You said your mother was giving you the money to buy "us" a bed. It was only today or yesterday that your DH and you decided it wasn't going to be a joint bed and that you were going to stay sleeping separately.

So I think sharing is right.

However you seem quite bitter about your DH being a student now. I think if you go for the fancy new bed for you he will end up equally bitter. Doesn't augur well for a marriage really does it? You need to talk. And talk honestly as this bed has seemed to dredge up lots of other stuff.

propertyNIGHTmareBEFOREXMAS · 12/12/2013 18:31

Yanbu. No way should you give him your mother's money.

twobeds · 12/12/2013 19:34

We have the reverse situation apart from the "gift" bit. DH sleeps very badly; he's tried all sorts of things over the years, including cutting down / giving up caffeine, black-out blinds, different togs of duvet, Ovaltine, bananas, different pillows. Everything short of going to the doctor and getting sleeping pills.

Eventually, we forked out for a really good bedframe and mattress; it was well over £1000. So for the last few years DH has slept in an expensive king-size bed, while I've slept in a crappy single in the spare room.

I've been Shock at the number of people who think that any couple with a disparity in beds have a doomed marriage. The simple fact is, I have no sleep problems, and sleep fine in the crappy single, and DH needs every comfort going in his quest for a decent night's sleep.

For me, the most important point is the OPs lower back problems. If she has health problems which could be alleviated by a really good bed, that's the clincher.