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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

not to share substantial present with DH?

220 replies

mintspies · 11/12/2013 20:16

Ok, a bit of context. DH and I have finally after a number of years of struggling decided that we do not want to share a room with eachother, let alone a bed. It's been a long journey - and we both now realise after lots of unsatisfactory nights of waking eachother up (he pees three times a night, i snore etc etc) that we would rather have our intimate cuddles in a bed that one of us then leaves to sleep elsewhere. i know quite a few people think this is really weird, but it seems to work well for us.
The big issue that i am now posting about that has spurred this final decision (to realise we are never going to share a bed/ room) is that my mum has just offered to buy us a bed and is giving us (well, me) 1,500 pounds to buy a lovely bed, as she has just come into some money. I have been sleeping on a really awful mattress on the floor for years now and have lower back problems which are being made worse. As we have now made our final decision that we do not want to share a bed ever really, dh thinks that the money should be shared between two new beds (one for his room and one for mine), if we are not going to buy one that we are going to share.

Frankly, I am gutted not to buy the bed I want with the money my mum wants to give me.

Am i being unreasonable to say no, I dont want to share the money for the bed and buy two not very nice beds?

My mum has made it really clear that she is only giving me the money for one decent bed as she it is real thing for her that I havent ever sorted out a decent bed for me/ us.

Additionally, which i think is fuelling my chagrin, is that my dh has given up a well paying job to be a student for a few years, which I am happy to support and so i am the main earner, but i really do think - well, if you want a bed, get a part time job, which he could do, instead of making me make yet another sacrifice.

Am I being Unreasonable?

OP posts:
Tapiocapearl · 11/12/2013 20:52

I'd usually say split it but if you are having back problems, it would sway me hugely.

lymiemum · 11/12/2013 20:53

op was sleeping on the floor using the double matress of the marital bed that they brought together, was the base broken before or after the husband moved out to the single bed so they could both sleep better?
if the bed was ok, he moved into the single so they could sleep better, he gave up the better bed to help them both...

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 11/12/2013 20:53

Wow!

I understand you have issues between the two of you but there is no way i could luxuriate in a£1500 bed whilst my partner tossed and turned in a crappy single bed.

I'd split it without thought. You can get decent beds and mattress for £750.

JollySantersSelectionBox · 11/12/2013 20:56

But perhaps if you got the really nice mattress and bed you may nt snore anymore, and may not be as unsettled when DH gets up to pee?

You don't feel too much movement on a memory mattress.

But I agree keep some money back £250 or so and buy a Queen size bed for DH.

Bogeyface · 11/12/2013 21:00

If your mum gives you this money as a gift then it is up to you what you do with it. A gift with strings is not a gift at all.

I would share it. In fact it wouldnt have crossed my mind not to.

Your £1.5k sleigh bed with singing elfs (or whatever it was!) will never give you a good nights sleep when you know that the man you love is uncomfortable, resentful and unhappy in his crappy single bed next door. Seems that your mother has issues with your husband/marriage, is trying to be divisive and you are letting her.

£750 for a bed is a good amount of money. How much time do you spend awake in your bedroom anyway? If it was a sofa then you would have a point, but a bed? You go up, get in, sleep, get up, leave. Its just not worth causing resentment for something like this.

Bogeyface · 11/12/2013 21:02

Oh and make sure he sees the doctor. 3 times a night peeing is not normal for a healthy man in his 30's (or 50's for that matter) unless he is necking pints and pints every night, in which case that needs to be dealt with.

Alanna1 · 11/12/2013 21:03

Swop beds from time to time?

ocelot41 · 11/12/2013 21:03

Check out places online that do 'last season's mattresses'. They will be less than half price for pocket sprung etc - and frankly, who cares if a mattress cover is 'last season'. You put a sheet over it anyway! Then you should both be able to get something comfy to sleep on.

FortyDoorsToNowhere · 11/12/2013 21:04

dreams have a good sale on atm, you could get 2 doubles for that price.

Bogeyface · 11/12/2013 21:07

Swop beds from time to time?

Thats a really good idea! Swap beds for a week and then decide if you should spend the 1.5k on just your bed or a bed each.

FortyDoorsToNowhere · 11/12/2013 21:09

www.dreams.co.uk/beds/divan-beds/zen-energise-divan-set

add another £100 and this looks like a good decent bed for both of you

Original poster
mintspies · 11/12/2013 21:13

I know major luvvie moments on mumsnet never go down well but i am LOVING the responses people have taken the time to give me here - hugely helpful! including being called selfish and unreasonable. i think i am too! and that there are issues in the marriage. there are!!! and that my mum is being divisive. she is!!!!! and that im not fully on board with the studen thing. im not!!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
mintspies · 11/12/2013 21:15

omg fortydoors that is a lovely bargainous bed - suddenly i feel more like sharing...

OP posts:
foslady · 11/12/2013 21:23

www.amazon.co.uk/Sleigh-Solid-Mahogany-King-Size-Footboard/dp/B001AXMCDO/ref=pd_sim_sbs_kh_1, couple of hundred for a decent matress, and let him have the rest for his bed.......?

FortyDoorsToNowhere · 11/12/2013 21:26

happy to help.

Noctilucent · 11/12/2013 21:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BohemianGirl · 11/12/2013 21:29

A decent mattress is 800 quid. and another 6-8-- for a decent frame. And you'll need new linen, pillows, duvet. I did this in the summer. Thick end of 2K

See I'd take my mum with me and order a bed and let her pay for it. I wouldnt be touching the cash >taps nose

OutragedFromLeeds · 11/12/2013 21:30

Would he share if he came into some money? Is all money family money?

If yes, then you need to share.

If no, then you don't need to share, but you possibly need to have a closer look at why you don't share with each other.

LustyBusty · 11/12/2013 21:33

mintyy how about somewhere like dreams in the sale? Budget of, say, £2k for 2 beds and get extra £500 on their interest free credit? £5 pm over a year for both your comfort? Having said that, I know what you mean about perfect bed though, I went a bit mad on mine, but it's like reclining on very very firm clouds and it's my second favorite place in the world....!!

LittleprincessinGOLDrocks · 11/12/2013 21:35

Can I recommend this memory foam mattress for your bad back
Isleep mattress I have one, and it is so comfy.
As for the bed situation I would find a bed you love for less than the £1500 - save a couple of hundred and get your DH a bed for £200 / £300. Argos have a sale on bed frames, Doubles from £39.99 then a comfy mattress and he is sorted.

FlatAsSantasSacks · 11/12/2013 21:36

Shock at £750 for a new bed let alone £1500!

Sorry I think you're being unreasonable here. Like someone else posted if it was reversed it'd be mumsnet up in arms with cries of LTB.

Or you could go and get him a bed for £500 and tell him it was half?

SomewhereBeyondTheSea · 11/12/2013 21:38

It honestly sounds as though this is about more than just the bed-spending dilemma. OP - can you tell us a bit more about the timescale for his studies, your financial situation, your own work and earnings, and how you both divvy up responsibilities, eg. Housework?

SomewhereBeyondTheSea · 11/12/2013 21:40

PS. It really does make a difference whether your mum knows you sleep apart or not - does she?

FortyDoorsToNowhere · 11/12/2013 21:43

My bed cost £1800.

OP be warned, that new beds are not comfy regardless of the price. It takes time to get your perfect spot.

garlicbaubles · 11/12/2013 21:47

If I went to somebody's house to find the DW slept in a beautiful, comfy big bed while the DH had an old single, I would be very Hmm - especially about her!

No reason why you shouldn't split it 900/600 or something like that - or get two of those Zen beds, I felt comfy just looking at it!

I'm rather envious. But I am sleeping on Teddy Topper Heaven, so hey :)