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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

not to share substantial present with DH?

220 replies

mintspies · 11/12/2013 20:16

Ok, a bit of context. DH and I have finally after a number of years of struggling decided that we do not want to share a room with eachother, let alone a bed. It's been a long journey - and we both now realise after lots of unsatisfactory nights of waking eachother up (he pees three times a night, i snore etc etc) that we would rather have our intimate cuddles in a bed that one of us then leaves to sleep elsewhere. i know quite a few people think this is really weird, but it seems to work well for us.
The big issue that i am now posting about that has spurred this final decision (to realise we are never going to share a bed/ room) is that my mum has just offered to buy us a bed and is giving us (well, me) 1,500 pounds to buy a lovely bed, as she has just come into some money. I have been sleeping on a really awful mattress on the floor for years now and have lower back problems which are being made worse. As we have now made our final decision that we do not want to share a bed ever really, dh thinks that the money should be shared between two new beds (one for his room and one for mine), if we are not going to buy one that we are going to share.

Frankly, I am gutted not to buy the bed I want with the money my mum wants to give me.

Am i being unreasonable to say no, I dont want to share the money for the bed and buy two not very nice beds?

My mum has made it really clear that she is only giving me the money for one decent bed as she it is real thing for her that I havent ever sorted out a decent bed for me/ us.

Additionally, which i think is fuelling my chagrin, is that my dh has given up a well paying job to be a student for a few years, which I am happy to support and so i am the main earner, but i really do think - well, if you want a bed, get a part time job, which he could do, instead of making me make yet another sacrifice.

Am I being Unreasonable?

OP posts:
LauraTrashley · 11/12/2013 21:48

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

JuneauWhoIAm · 11/12/2013 21:50

I just read this OP out to my DH.
He wants to know are you both in ill health or very overweight.

Halfrek · 11/12/2013 21:52

I have a wonderful bed that is huge and really comfy, memory foam mattress, really thick.

Cost £200 because I got it second hand, worth looking into?

Original poster
mintspies · 11/12/2013 21:56

Somewhere beyond the sea.... it is tough sometimes regarding divvying up responsibilities and it sometimes / often feels like i am giving more than I can. BUT. I get alot of positives out of the marriage and i am happy, in general. He is following his lifes dream and I am supporting and I do believe in him, but we are struggling financially and have really taken a hit, while Im working a lot at a demanding job.

my mum knows we sleep apart and was always clear that it was a gift for 'me'.

if this all makes sense, and thank you for listening!

OP posts:
Original poster
mintspies · 11/12/2013 21:58

juneau, we are both in good health and not overwieght (ummmm ... why?)

OP posts:
AuntieMaggie · 11/12/2013 21:59

OPs DH was happy for her to sleep on the floor while he had a bed so personally I don't see why she should worry about him needing a new bed...

volestair · 11/12/2013 22:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

volestair · 11/12/2013 22:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

youretoastmildred · 11/12/2013 22:05

When your mum offered the gift, did she know you had decided to sleep separately?

she might be either:
1 - recognising ishoos in our marriage and trying to throw money at the problem for you both to ease the path to you being happy together
2 - recognising that you are having a hard time and throwing money at that problem

it kind of matters which

SECONDLY

What do you mean by this?

"instead of making me make yet another sacrifice."

You resent him. I want to know why and what all these sacrifices are.

THIRDLY

if you have only just made the decision to sleep separately you might be very on the edge due to lack of sleep. You might feel you deserve a mahogany pockety whatnot after years of shredded nerves and broken sleep. but after a week of getting your z's, you might feel more loving and generous. Sleep deprivation, especially accumulatively, is a BASTARD. but if you have been trying to sleep with someone you can't sleep with (because one does) then you probably don't need the magic sleigh, you just need a nice simple clean new firm bed without some git in it.

HAVING SAID ALL THAT

just keep the fecking bed if you want to, but you know if you do, you are basically saying you are splitting soon and you are keeping the bed

cricketballs · 11/12/2013 22:07

whenever there are posts about a DH/DP getting a present of cash etc and they don't share it/put it in the family pot there MN is full of "not fair", "he's being selfish" etc - then there's this post and the majority are saying that the DH is in the wrong....its times like this when I don't get MN; double standards Hmm

lymiemum · 11/12/2013 22:08

auntiemaggie
I've asked Op of the matress was a proper bed when they were sharing and broke after he already moved out of it or if it was a choice of mattress on the floor or bed and he took the bed...but other than saying they have slept appart for years she didn't answer.

Inertia · 11/12/2013 22:08

Whatever you do you are stuck - if you don't spilt the money your husband will see his arse, and if you share the money your mum will get upset at you. You can't win.

One way round it could be for your mum to buy your bed if it can be arranged that she'll buy the type you need, and for you to never even get the money - you just get the gift. You can then use household money to buy your husband a new bed, even if it's a simple one from IKEA.

garlicbaubles · 11/12/2013 22:11

Volestair - second-hand beds are great value, if you're lucky enough to find a good one. The reason they're bargains is because of people like you.

MerylStrop · 11/12/2013 22:17

The only way that you can get what you want is if your mum buys the bed herself for you.

If she gives you the money "for a bed" then I think it would be mean not to share the money and get you both something decent.

FetchezLaVache · 11/12/2013 22:17

Just because he's never said that he's uncomfortable in his crappy old single bed before now doesn't mean that he hasn't been. It could just mean that as you're supporting him financially while he's studying, he hasn't liked to ask for a new bed. But now he knows there is money in the Bed Budget, I don't think he's unreasonable to want somewhere better to sleep.

JollySantersSelectionBox · 11/12/2013 22:38

It would be a different thread if you'd posted that your DH had been given £1500 to buy a new bed for himself, and was insisting on keeping you in a single bed though op. Student or not you are in a married partnership.

But surely if there is nothing wrong with the mattress you sleep on now he can have that and a cheap divan for it to sit on in the spare room?

fluffypillow · 11/12/2013 22:53

You sound really mean Sad If I were in your position, I would share the money, no doubt about that.

How could you sleep in a posh new bed, knowing your DH was in a crap one. You can get a couple of really decent beds for that sort of money(I think ours was about £200).

You need to get a grip and stop being so greedy.

SomewhereBeyondTheSea · 11/12/2013 22:54

So he is following his life's dream - and what about your life dream?
This isn't about the bed. It's about your lives. Perhaps you feel that supporting him while he pursues his dreams is putting a strain on you that he isn't recognising? Perhaps you need to talk to him about work and incomes and earning and dreams and fulfilment and what is the right balance for both of you to feel contented.
Regardless of the bed situation.

Thanks for replying to me btw Smile

DeWe · 11/12/2013 23:13

I think if you'd been given £300 or thereabouts it would be reasonable not to share. Then you'd end up with 2 still not brilliant beds. The obvious solution to that would be you get a £300 bed and save up for him to have £300 bed.

But £1500!!! There's 5 of us (4 beds) in this family and we haven't spent that much on all of us, despite getting a couple of good makes high beds for the dc. Even if we throw the cot and futon we haven't spent that much.
You could easily split that much and both have really nice beds.
If I spent that much on a bed I'd expect it to make itself and wash its own sheets. Wink

daisychain01 · 11/12/2013 23:14

Mintspies, I dont think you are mean/selfish, the fact you are talking about it on this post means you are trying to work out the best option.

If you dont mind me saying, I think your DM is a teensie-weensie BU for putting a condition on the money, as its giving you a dilemma.

Could you go to a bedshop and see what you can get for the money. You will need to have a lie down on the bed to see how comfy it is.

jammiedonut · 12/12/2013 00:12

Yabu, I can't help but flip this around and imagine if your dh was the wife posting. The response would be so different!

thepig · 12/12/2013 00:30

Mints...

Someone asked about your partner's health and weight because he pees three times a night.

If he's anywhere near your age like I am that's not normal. I would never have to get up once, let alone three times. Could be a symptom of prostate probs

WhatAPallava · 12/12/2013 00:36

You are BOTH on crappy mattresses on floors.
You on a double and him on a single.

I think it would be very mean to spend all of it on one bed.....1500 could easily buy 2 very nice beds.

Have you looked on sites like bedstore.co.uk?
Always got good deals

LapsedPacifist · 12/12/2013 00:46

Speaking as half of a fat, leaky, sweaty, middle-aged couple, who slept for years and years on rubbish beds and suffered ill-health as a result Hmm .....

Please PLEASE split the money and get 2 really lovely new beds for both of you for £750 each. It will completely transform your sleeping habits and your lives.

I honestly can't imagine what sort of princess NEEDS a £1,500 mattress in real life , unless you have some very specific serious health-related orthapediac issues.

TwelveLeggedWalk · 12/12/2013 01:03

Right. If your mum knows you sleep apart and is getting YOU a present then spend the lion's share of the money on a decent king.

You may well find that with a larger, more comfy bed and some decent pillows, you both sleep better together anyway. REcommend the V-shaped ones for snoring and the GPs for thrice nightly peeing

Personally, I'd say don't get a sleigh bed unless you live in a mansion, the previous owners of our house had one and it turned it into a cave, they're so dark.

Quite loving these and think they're good value, and you get JL customer service which is IMMENSE for beds (no dumping mattresses in your front garden...) nice grey one

Then I'd get something like this clever one for the spare room/your DH, which also gives you a decent double spare for visitors without having it out all the time.

Then you've still got £750 to buy a decent mattress even less in the sales probably