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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

not to share substantial present with DH?

220 replies

mintspies · 11/12/2013 20:16

Ok, a bit of context. DH and I have finally after a number of years of struggling decided that we do not want to share a room with eachother, let alone a bed. It's been a long journey - and we both now realise after lots of unsatisfactory nights of waking eachother up (he pees three times a night, i snore etc etc) that we would rather have our intimate cuddles in a bed that one of us then leaves to sleep elsewhere. i know quite a few people think this is really weird, but it seems to work well for us.
The big issue that i am now posting about that has spurred this final decision (to realise we are never going to share a bed/ room) is that my mum has just offered to buy us a bed and is giving us (well, me) 1,500 pounds to buy a lovely bed, as she has just come into some money. I have been sleeping on a really awful mattress on the floor for years now and have lower back problems which are being made worse. As we have now made our final decision that we do not want to share a bed ever really, dh thinks that the money should be shared between two new beds (one for his room and one for mine), if we are not going to buy one that we are going to share.

Frankly, I am gutted not to buy the bed I want with the money my mum wants to give me.

Am i being unreasonable to say no, I dont want to share the money for the bed and buy two not very nice beds?

My mum has made it really clear that she is only giving me the money for one decent bed as she it is real thing for her that I havent ever sorted out a decent bed for me/ us.

Additionally, which i think is fuelling my chagrin, is that my dh has given up a well paying job to be a student for a few years, which I am happy to support and so i am the main earner, but i really do think - well, if you want a bed, get a part time job, which he could do, instead of making me make yet another sacrifice.

Am I being Unreasonable?

OP posts:
Original poster
mintspies · 11/12/2013 20:36

hi lymie mum, we've slept in seaprate beds/ rooms for years - marital bed was a second hand ikea bed that collapsed and said mattress is all that remains!

OP posts:
ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 11/12/2013 20:36

I say don't share because he is being a spoilt prat.

Heathcliff27 · 11/12/2013 20:37

Could you not keep £1000 for you and give him £500 and make up the shortfall for your sleigh bed yourself?

Locketjuice · 11/12/2013 20:38

Yabu, you are in a relationship with a man who like you has a shit mattress and bed 750 can buy you both a nice bed, I think you are being selfish

gamerchick · 11/12/2013 20:40

There's no way I would just buy myself a bed and leave my husband out and we have separate bedrooms.

I would want us both to be comfortable.. but then I adore my husband and he wouldn't be happy me sleeping on a mattress on the floor while he had a bed.

Fill your boots. Or get him a new single which isn't expensive and get yourself your fancy bed in the sales.

Original poster
mintspies · 11/12/2013 20:40

of course bluestocking, nail on the head.
lymie mum, i forgot to also say, we made the final decision today becuase we had thought that with the money my mum was giving us we would look for the perfect bed which we could both sleep in comfortably, ie zip up single mattress each etc, so we decided we werent going to have a shared marital bed and thus the ensuing converstaion.

OP posts:
misskatamari · 11/12/2013 20:41

I think it's unreasonable for you to spend a grand and a half on an amazing bed for yourself and leave DH with a crappy single. Surely you can get two decent beds with the money. Even if you get quite cheap beds and then just lovely mattresses as they are the important bit anyway.

Original poster
mintspies · 11/12/2013 20:41

heathcliff that does sound sensible....

OP posts:
mrsminiverscharlady · 11/12/2013 20:43

YABVU. I would be massively upset if I was your dh and I'd see it as an indication of major problems in our relationship. You're basically saying that your comfort is more important than his. Why can't you save up the extra to get the bed he wants and the bed you want?

roses2 · 11/12/2013 20:43

I think YABU. Lots of couples have separate rooms, nothing wrong with that. You can buy two lovely beds with great mattresses with the money if you shop around. Even your mahogany sleigh bed with memory foam mattress.

Original poster
mintspies · 11/12/2013 20:43

a little voice inside me knows i am being selfish but really just want to take this present from my mum and enjoy it!
marriage though, as i understand is about sharing nodding gravely to self

OP posts:
lymiemum · 11/12/2013 20:43

we made the final decision today becuase we had thought that with the money my mum was giving us we would look for the perfect bed
so your mum was giving you this for a bed she thought you would both be using?

Heathcliff27 · 11/12/2013 20:43

I would love a bed to myself whistfully dreaming

PosyNarker · 11/12/2013 20:44

This has to be about more than the bed, otherwise YABU and rather selfish wanting your 'pocket sprung sleigh bed' while he's on a 'crappy single'.

Do you really support him being a student? I mean really support, not just say you do? Because if you want to retire to 5 star luxury while he sleeps cramped up on a crappy bed like a student because he can't afford to contribute towards beds, it doesn't sound like you're fully supportive.

I agree with others that if you were a man posting about making his poor DW sleep on a single in the spare room, there would be a chorus of LTB.

If on the other hand it's about more than the bed...sort that first, then buy a bed or beds.

purrtrillpadpadpad · 11/12/2013 20:45

Get your mum to buy you the bed. Take it off the table, it's not up for discussion. Your mum is not happy with giving you such a large sum, perhaps she is concerned about giving you a cheque to that value, or a BACS payment, maybe she thinks it will land in some stranger's bank account, oh no dear, much safer for you to tell her what bed and mattress you need and where you have seen it at the right price. And you have tried to talk to her about it, but she's being quite firm. Sorry DH.

Note where I said need, not want. You need a decent bed. A sleigh bed qualifies as a decent bed that you need. It's not up for discussion. Repeat.

ViviDeHohohoVoir · 11/12/2013 20:45

No one says it has to be split equally.

Get yourself a lovely comfy bed and use the rest of the money (£200?) to get him a new one too.

He need be none the wiser.

I also think this is more about your relationship and the fact that you feel like you're making all the compromises.

BackforGood · 11/12/2013 20:45

I too think YABVU and selfish.
You can get 2 perfectly decent beds for £750 each!
Can you imagine the outcry if someone had posted that the dh had been given £1500 to buy a new bed for them both (which I presume the Mother is assuming) and spent it all on him and left them to sleep on an old, crappy 'spare' bed. Shock

AppleAndBlackberry · 11/12/2013 20:45

If the larger one is going to be yours and occasionally shared why don't you get a really nice sleigh bed for £1250 and a quality single mattress for him for £250? Or top up the fund yourselves?

Yawnychops · 11/12/2013 20:45

YABVU. How sad that the comfort of your DH is of so little importance to you. £1500 is a huge amount of money. You could get two really fantastic beds for that amount, especially in the January sales.

EirikurNoromaour · 11/12/2013 20:45

Hmm yeah I think it would be a bit out of order to buy yourself a spanking new £1500 bed and leave DH in a crappy single. You could spare £200 to buy him a new double bed surely? Or does this separate room thing really mean separate lives?

BackforGood · 11/12/2013 20:46

Oh - the PT job is a separate issue altogether, which kind of depends on a lot of other things, from hours spent on coursework, to family budget.

Yamyoid · 11/12/2013 20:46

You're being selfish and unreasonable and mean.

GTbaby · 11/12/2013 20:47

I think buy DH a very good mattress for current bed. Keep rest for your bed.
Go in January sale. Get sales rep to reduce cost of mattress as you are buying an expensive bed.
They will take money off tag price to make the big sale!

Even if its £100 they will take off something, you just have to ask.
Dh asked being cheeky and got £300 off and so I went with my parents and managed £200 off.

coppertop · 11/12/2013 20:48

If you have back problems, why has your dh been happy to take the single bed and leave you to sleep on a mattress on the floor?

Bluestocking · 11/12/2013 20:50

Oh dear. This is bad. Your mum is going to be seriously pissed off if you spend any of your bed money on your DH. So what she's doing by offering an excessively large amount of money for you to buy the bed of your dreams, while your DH slums it on a single in the spare room, is setting up a situation which is guaranteed to cause conflict.
I agree with Posy Narker that you and your DH need to sort out whether you are really happy with his decision to give up his well-paid job to be a student again "for a few years" or not. Because your tone makes me think you aren't totally thrilled by this turn of events.

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