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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

not to share substantial present with DH?

220 replies

mintspies · 11/12/2013 20:16

Ok, a bit of context. DH and I have finally after a number of years of struggling decided that we do not want to share a room with eachother, let alone a bed. It's been a long journey - and we both now realise after lots of unsatisfactory nights of waking eachother up (he pees three times a night, i snore etc etc) that we would rather have our intimate cuddles in a bed that one of us then leaves to sleep elsewhere. i know quite a few people think this is really weird, but it seems to work well for us.
The big issue that i am now posting about that has spurred this final decision (to realise we are never going to share a bed/ room) is that my mum has just offered to buy us a bed and is giving us (well, me) 1,500 pounds to buy a lovely bed, as she has just come into some money. I have been sleeping on a really awful mattress on the floor for years now and have lower back problems which are being made worse. As we have now made our final decision that we do not want to share a bed ever really, dh thinks that the money should be shared between two new beds (one for his room and one for mine), if we are not going to buy one that we are going to share.

Frankly, I am gutted not to buy the bed I want with the money my mum wants to give me.

Am i being unreasonable to say no, I dont want to share the money for the bed and buy two not very nice beds?

My mum has made it really clear that she is only giving me the money for one decent bed as she it is real thing for her that I havent ever sorted out a decent bed for me/ us.

Additionally, which i think is fuelling my chagrin, is that my dh has given up a well paying job to be a student for a few years, which I am happy to support and so i am the main earner, but i really do think - well, if you want a bed, get a part time job, which he could do, instead of making me make yet another sacrifice.

Am I being Unreasonable?

OP posts:
NoAddedSuga · 12/12/2013 11:02

My bed was £3000. The mattress alone was £1000 in the sale.

The £1500 will get two decent single beds if you dont go for top brands.

I would personally put some towards the money and get two double beds

EasterHoliday · 12/12/2013 11:08

What NoAddedSuga said. Dreams do very good deals in the sale and you can get it interest free for a year or so. Spend the £1.5k on a good double and buy another one on interest free credit which you both contribute to. The student can work in the holiday.

NoAddedSuga · 12/12/2013 11:14

Just asked dh about this.

He says, if your mother gives the money to you for your bed, then no the money is not for a bed for dh too unless the bed is shared.

If we were in your position, it wouldnt even occur to him to think he should get a bed too and split the money

PrimalLass · 12/12/2013 11:14

But the mother is NOT obliged to buy her son-in-law a bed just because she wants to buy one for her daughter.

But can you imagine if the thread was: my DH works and earns the money, I am a student. We have separate bedrooms and my MIL wants to spend £1500 on his bed and none on mine.

Or if the DH wanted to spend all that money on him and have the OP in an
uncomfy single bed. There are huge double standards on this thread.

Everyone would be saying that the MIL was a controlling nightmare and that the DH had to tell her NO.

DoesntLeftoverTurkeySoupDragOn · 12/12/2013 11:20

my mum has just offered to buy us a bed

The mother offered to buy a bed for both of them.

DoesntLeftoverTurkeySoupDragOn · 12/12/2013 11:22

TBH, I get the feeling that this marriage is over.
Sleeping separately? Fine - makes perfect sense for many reasons.
Treating one half of the partnership as unequal? Not fine.

icingmyback · 12/12/2013 11:27

agree with doesnt
i've been married for 5 years and i can't imagine not wanting my husband to have a really comfortable bed to sleep in. we often don't share (babies, pregnancy, illness) but we take it in turns to sleep on the good bed in our room and the spare bed. then again, our good bed cost about 700quid, so maybe it's easier to share if you don't have expensive taste.

VenusDeWillendorf · 12/12/2013 11:31

Your DH should get a job, and contribute financially, unless he's a sahp and doing all the childcare.

Basically, I see your marriage is in a perilous state.

You sound driven, exhausted and resentful, he sounds lazy and entitled, and without a goal.

You are earning the money, and he wants a share of a present from your mother too?
No.

I would buy a nice bed for myself and book a nice holiday for the kids too.
If he wants a nicer bed, he can earn some money to buy himself one, or ask his mum for a present.

Personally I think you both need to have counselling, together and alone, to figure out how to split.

VenusDeWillendorf · 12/12/2013 11:34

Primalass, there are inequalities, IF and only IF he's doing all the childcare and 'wifely' duties of 70% of the housework, as women tend to do in a relationship like this one.

If he's just a student, and not doing anything else, well then he's not pulling his weight, and deserves a kick up the arse, not a new bed to sleep in.

MammaTJ · 12/12/2013 11:39

I really can't beleive your attitude.

I am now a student, having given up my job to be one. My DP supports me 100%, thanks goodness, and as well as being the main wage earner, he is also in charge of the majority of the child care too.

I think he needs to leave you and your lovely new bed, and wish you every happiness together. I hope your DM, who is causing this disagreement to an extent will also keep you warm at night!

ThingsThatMakeYouGoHmmmmmmmmm · 12/12/2013 11:42

MN at its hilarious best. Grin . Hypocrisy, double standards and projection abound.

You fill your boots , OP.

Enjoy your new bed. Hmm

fuzzywuzzy · 12/12/2013 11:42

You know Venus there's been something about the OP's posts which are getting my back up on her behalf and you've hit the nail on the head.

The marriage does not sound like an equitable one, I could be wrong.

OP does your H do a share of the household stuff?
Do you have an otherwise happy relationship with eachother?
Do you see yourself with him ten/five years from now?
Why are you sleeping on the floor and not your H?

VenusDeWillendorf · 12/12/2013 11:47

MammaTJ, I presume you sleep in a single bed on your own, and ignore all your health issues too then? And your DH supports this decision?

Ephiny · 12/12/2013 11:54

You sound very resentful of him. I think this is about much more than the bed.

busygirl · 12/12/2013 12:03

URBU!!marriage is a partnership.I would not think of anything different then sharing 50:50.why does it matters how much he earns?I'm a SAHM,does that mean I don't have a right to anything as I don't bring any money in?if I was your DH I wouldn't be happy with anything other then a 50:50 split

SoonToBeSix · 12/12/2013 12:08

But you can buy a decent bed for £750 so yabu

squeakytoy · 12/12/2013 12:15

You are young and have only been married a few years... this isnt about a bed. This is a marriage that is doomed.

MammaTJ · 12/12/2013 12:34

DP has a worse back than me Venus but we have a fairly cheap but adequate king size bed. I think that if someone offered us £1500 for a bed, then we could probably furnish the whole bedroom for that.

I do sleep in a double bed elsewhere when at uni though. Does that count? Grin

JoinYourPlayfellows · 12/12/2013 12:47

"But can you imagine if the thread was: my DH works and earns the money, I am a student. We have separate bedrooms and my MIL wants to spend £1500 on his bed and none on mine. "

Yeah, I can imagine that thread and everyone would say his mother had a perfect right to buy him a bed if she wanted to and that their sleeping arrangements were nothing to do with her.

The OP has said she's happy to save up (with the money SHE is earning, while she is skint, he is a student, and is refusing to get even a part time job) for a better bed for her husband.

The only reason people think this is outrageous is because a WOMAN might have the better bed.

If it was a man having a double bed to himself while his wife was in a single with the baby, everyone would be saying that he needed a better night's sleep than her because he had a job.

MissBattleaxe · 12/12/2013 12:56

If it was a man having a double bed to himself while his wife was in a single with the baby, everyone would be saying that he needed a better night's sleep than her because he had a job.

No we wouldn't.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 12/12/2013 13:06

I've seen that exact response countless times on here.

Either way, it's moot.

Because different people think different things and demanding consistency from a constantly changing group of people is ridiculous.

And calling it hypocrisy when said group doesn't think what you expect it to is embarrassingly stupid.

Like you don't even know the difference between one person and many people.

ThingsThatMakeYouGoHmmmmmmmmm · 12/12/2013 13:10

Yawn

PrivateBenjamin · 12/12/2013 13:20

I agree with join

The OP has health issues that mean she needs a good bed. Her mum has offered to buy her one. If the OP's husband shared her bed then he would get the benefit of the gift, he doesn't so he can't.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 12/12/2013 13:28

If you had both been sleeping on crappy beds then I would have said YABU and get a bed each.

However, as you have been sleeping on a matress on the floor for years whilst your DH sleeps in a bed....well, for me that changes everything.

How come you are on the floor? I think you should take your mums money, buy a new bed for you and then if he kicks up a fuss he can have the mattress you have been sleeping on for years!

GampyWabbit · 12/12/2013 13:30

We had a super-king size bed with memory mattress from oak furnitureland - highly recommend looking there for a reasonably price bed. If you had a huge bed with memory mattress you wouldn't feel him getting up constantly!