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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu?-dh,inlaws and xmas-AGAIN!!

158 replies

Pinupgirl · 30/11/2013 09:44

I have posted previously about problems with inlaws-specifically mil. Background-we have spent every sunday for the last 20 years going to their house for dinner. They and dh would not take no for an answer.

We also spent 6 xmases with them after we had the dcs. 2 years ago I finally flipped and told dh I was sick and tired of it and that we would be spending xmas in our own home.

Now dh is adamant that he wants them to come here for xmas dinner. I really don't want them too as I feel I have spent lots of xmas with them,been far too accommodating frankly and don't want to spend xmas listening to his mum witter on while dh and his dad get pissed.

Dh is furious and making me feel like a horrible cowSad Am I bu?

OP posts:
ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 30/11/2013 09:48

You are not being unreasonable. In fact, every Sunday st their house?!? you're being a saint! When do you see your own parents?

WhoNickedMyName · 30/11/2013 09:51

Tell DH it's fine.

Ask him what he plans to cook.

Sit back with a glass of wine on the day and put your feet up. Do nothing else.

fryingpantoface · 30/11/2013 09:52

YANBU. I think i'd only agree if DH did all the work - The food, the planning, the entertaining so that you could get pissed. But realistically, even if he agreed to it, would he stick by doing that?

ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 30/11/2013 09:54

But even if he does everything, op would still have to spend xmas day with people she doesn't like. More time in fact as she couldn't hide in kitchen!

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot · 30/11/2013 09:56

Hes wants his parents around, he can do all the work then, and you can get to the booze before FIL does.

diddl · 30/11/2013 09:59

Of course YANBU.

Your husband sounds horrible.

Send him to mummy & daddy's for Christmas & then tell him to bloody well stay there!

MommyBird · 30/11/2013 10:00

i remember your posts! you are a saint and let no-one tell you otherwise. do you still go there every sunday?!

i'd put your foot down. what about your parents?

Primrose123 · 30/11/2013 10:07

No you are not being unreasonable.

We were in a similar situation with my PILS. We were nagged to go there every Saturday evening for a meal. Saturday evening was our only chance to go to the cinema or a meal or a walk on the beach or something spontaneous. I don't dislike my PIL but I don't enjoy their company if that makes sense. I didn't want to give up my only free evening to waste it with them. It also meant that we were limited as to what we could do on Saturdays because we couldn't be late getting to their house. We did suggest going on a weekday evening instead but they didn't want to do that.

After years of this (and none of us wanted to go) we finally managed to get out of it and don't go any more. I wouldn't mind going once a month, but if we go once they then think it's going to happen every week, and the pressure and guilt starts again.

Can you offer to have your PIL on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day? And tell your DH that he's in charge of all cooking, serving and entertaining!

LindyHemming · 30/11/2013 10:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Topseyt · 30/11/2013 10:19

I don't think I have read your other posts, but you are not being unreasonable at all to want to spend Christmas in your own home, with your own little family.

Is it possible to strike a compromise whereby you spend Christmas Day on your own, but go to visit them (or they visit you) for a day or so during the week between Christmas and New Year? Sorry if you have already explored that avenue - as I say, I am not familiar with the full background.

Inertia · 30/11/2013 10:31

YANBU.

Your DH is being really horrible about this.

GlaikitFizzog · 30/11/2013 10:35

Oh pinupgirl are you still having to fight this. :(

TheRealAmandaClarke · 30/11/2013 10:43

YANBU
But I don't know if you have any control over the situation.

Every Sunday??? Nightmare.
Good luck

winkywinkola · 30/11/2013 11:07

You've done so much already.

Why is your dh scared of his parents? Has he got any siblings?

Lambzig · 30/11/2013 11:12

Every Sunday. That is such a horrible burden, even if you were crazy about them.

Just think of what he would hate to do (and it may well be all the shopping, cooking and clearing) and make that your condition.

Do you think he has already invited them?

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes · 30/11/2013 11:32

i would hold out for boxing day if possible, thats what we do now. love xmas on our own.

WhereYouLeftIt · 30/11/2013 11:45

By all means they can come round for Xmas dinner. Your husband can cook it all. You and the DC can go elsewhere - maybe a nice hotel/restaurant and be served a lovely dinner you haven't cooked?

Original poster
Pinupgirl · 30/11/2013 11:50

Dh and dcs still go every sunday-I sometimes make other plans.My family is complicated as only recently made up with my mum after long period of no contact.Dh knows this so said she can come too knowing full well she wont come.He barely tolerates my family and at times has been downright rude to them. Inlaws went to bil last year and dh feels its our turn but I dont want to get sucked into this cycle.I did say I wanted xmas with just dh,me and dcs but dh countered with oh my parents will die soon so wont get many more xmas with them.How can I argue with that?

OP posts:
Original poster
Pinupgirl · 30/11/2013 11:53

Inlaws are 70 and 76 btw so elderly but not in their dotage. And relatively healthy.Dh has had 45 xmas with them compared to the 2 i have had in my own home.

OP posts:
mummymeister · 30/11/2013 11:53

pinupgirl he really said oh my parents will die soon!! Blimey he must be getting desperate to find a proper reason and decent argument if he results to this gutter reason. stop going over their every Sunday. it is ridiculous. arrange something else for next sunday with the kids and say to dh go if you want but we are doing XX. there must be a Christmas market on nearby that you just have to visit isn't there? don't get into this cycle of every other year. to be invited as a guest is a priviledge not a right.

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot · 30/11/2013 11:59

Put your foot down and say no, and if he bitches, he can go there and preferably not return until his found his balls to say no to mummy.

Original poster
Pinupgirl · 30/11/2013 12:04

His main argument is that he wants to spend xmas with his parents.He says this is what everyone does,inferring that I am bu to not agree. When I say I just want xmas for our wee family,he just replies well I dont.He had the week off work last week and took his parents for lunch.I was not invited.Our marriage is in the shitter.

OP posts:
LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot · 30/11/2013 12:06

Tbh, i'd send him there on his own, if he thinks what he says go.

WhoNickedMyName · 30/11/2013 12:12

There's nothing wrong with him wanting to spend Christmas with his parents.

As long as you get what you want some Christmases too, alternate years maybe.

But make it clear if he's hosting his parents that he is hosting, which includes buying gifts, cleaning and putting the decs up, food shopping, cooking, and clearing up afterwards.

Out of interest how old are your DC? Are they not fed up with the every Sunday thing? Don't they have to miss out on things to go to dinner every week?

brettgirl2 · 30/11/2013 12:13

I think yabu. I agree re the own house thing I won't take the dcs elsewhere unreasonable or not but refusing to have gps around I wouldn't do.

Can you think of a way it works better? I tend to cook at 5pm so we get a bit of family time first.

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