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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu?-dh,inlaws and xmas-AGAIN!!

158 replies

Pinupgirl · 30/11/2013 09:44

I have posted previously about problems with inlaws-specifically mil. Background-we have spent every sunday for the last 20 years going to their house for dinner. They and dh would not take no for an answer.

We also spent 6 xmases with them after we had the dcs. 2 years ago I finally flipped and told dh I was sick and tired of it and that we would be spending xmas in our own home.

Now dh is adamant that he wants them to come here for xmas dinner. I really don't want them too as I feel I have spent lots of xmas with them,been far too accommodating frankly and don't want to spend xmas listening to his mum witter on while dh and his dad get pissed.

Dh is furious and making me feel like a horrible cowSad Am I bu?

OP posts:
YouStayClassySanDiego · 30/11/2013 17:14

I know you say you can't face the thought of leaving and all of the stress that that entails but do you really want another 20 odd years of this treatment?

I think he'll grind you down to get his own way.

Perhaps begin to imagine a more peaceful life without him and his ilk dominating you?

Original poster
Pinupgirl · 30/11/2013 17:15

I know what I should be doing-its just finding the wherewithal to do it that I am lacking in.

AAhh this is about so much more than shitty,shitty xmasSad

OP posts:
Lavenderhoney · 30/11/2013 17:15

This every Sunday thing sounds like my pils. I don't buy into it at all, and luckily we now live thousands of miles away so dh neatly skips having to deal with it. He also trots out this " its family" and " they want to see the dc" no they don't. They eat then watch tv and talk endlessly about crap whilst the dc moan to go home. Dh is far too scared of his dm to move back there and go against her.

Its too late now after 20 years ( 20 YEARS!!) to wish you had stuck your foot down. If he wants to go, let him. Invite other people Sunday. Do activities. Don't let him make the dc go though " duty" my arse. So he knows its a pita but makes them do it anyway.

Christmas - well, have them but say you will be playing with the dc, going on a winter walk so its not all revolving round them- organise the whole day and evening round the dc. You can have first sitting with the dc, he can sit down after with them, and clear.

He can sit and drink- sounds hell actually. Or refuse to and what will he do? Ruin Christmas? Go to his? Invite them anyway and cut the sprouts in half?

I don't know how you do it tbh, every week this Sunday thing hanging over you. Let him go and sort out his transport.

Clargo55 · 30/11/2013 17:18

You have options. You deserve to be happy too. Would you like to learn to drive? Maybe that's something you could do on Sundays and would give you more freedom.
Ultimately, I think you should get rid of the stupid controlling ass, but that's easier said than done .

This is no way to live, your happiness should not come last.

Laradaclara · 30/11/2013 17:18

Yes to what yousay says.

The feeling of freedom is absolutely amazing and I'm still struck by how good it feels every day :)

You really do deserve that.

Original poster
Pinupgirl · 30/11/2013 17:21

We cant afford for me to learn to drive. I don't go every sunday now though-last sunday I went to an xmas market with friends. If dcs have something on like a party then I will say they are not going-this used to cause big rows as dh would try and find a way to still go. So he has compromised a tiny bit-I have to give him that at least.

OP posts:
MrsMangoBiscuit · 30/11/2013 17:22

Well I think you know that YANBU, and that your H is, so I won't keep stressing that. As for how to discuss this with him, I would suggest, as little as possible! He sounds like a manipulative arse, so the longer you talk about it, the more chance he has to talk you round.

You've stated your case, they are NOT coming. If he says "well I want to invite my parents" you say "well I DON'T want to invite your parents." If he plays the "not many christmases left" card again, you tell him that you have even fewer left with your children as children. Give him one line answers to everything and refuse to get drawn into lengthy discussions about any of it. If he has no respect for your concerns, or your wishes, then there's no point in discussing it further, they are NOT coming. If he's not prepared to compromise, and to be fair you've given two very agreeable options, then neither are you, and you won't be seeing them at all.

Original poster
Pinupgirl · 30/11/2013 17:25

Yes mrsmango-I think that is the way I will have to play it. I will offer the compromise one more time and if it is refused then I will point out that the only person stopping dh seeing his parents over the xmas period is dh!

I must try and control my temper though as he will use that against meSad

OP posts:
YouTheCat · 30/11/2013 17:28

Write it down.

Then all you have to say is 'that is as far as I am willing to compromise' and nothing else.

Original poster
Pinupgirl · 30/11/2013 17:31

I will use that line you so thank you. And thank you to every one for posting and not saying that I am a selfish cow for wanting xmas my way.

OP posts:
Laradaclara · 30/11/2013 17:31

Is there anyone in RL you could talk to? I tentatively started mentioning a few things to some old friends. To be honest I didn't see much if them any more but they were immediately supportive as they had spotted him for the arse he was years before. You might find people around you have been secretly thinking the same for years. It helped me get everything in perspective again so I could start to make a move.

The other things that were helpful were

  1. Seeing a solicitor. Many offer free half hour slots. The legal board on mumsnet was helpful too.
  2. Packing up paperwork - make copies of any of his financial stuff and look at collecting passports and other essentials in one place.
  3. Get together some finances if possible. Easier said than done if he controls the money but perhaps start by setting up a separate bank account in your name that he doesn't know about. I presume you do the shopping so perhaps you could get a little out on cash back every shop or think of other ways to get some emergency money into your name.
YouStayClassySanDiego · 30/11/2013 17:33

My God, you are not selfish and don't let that twat of a Husband convince you otherwise!

You deserve better than this, he's controlling and emotionally abusive.

Original poster
Pinupgirl · 30/11/2013 17:34

My bf hates him and my other friends dislike him I think-he has been very rude to them too. I have discussed some but not all of our problems with them-some of it is too private. They all thought I was mad for going to the inlaws though and were happy when I finally put my foot down.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pinupgirl · 30/11/2013 18:34

Well I am obviously being punished as he has not spoken 2 words to me since this morning.

OP posts:
Laradaclara · 30/11/2013 18:47

The more I hear about this man the worse he gets. Seriously, you are worth much more than this.

fryingpantoface · 30/11/2013 18:54

what Laradaclara

You deserve better. Let him sulk. Have Christmas the way you want

fryingpantoface · 30/11/2013 18:54

crap. I meant what Laradaclara said

expatinscotland · 30/11/2013 18:56

Then I'd book a restaurant for you and the kids. And leave his abusive arse with his fuckwit family.

juliandickgeorgeandann · 30/11/2013 19:02

Maybe the parents don't really want you and DH there every Sunday either they might have been wanting to tell you and DH so for years but didn't like to disappoint you Wink? Same with Christmas.

Original poster
Pinupgirl · 30/11/2013 19:09

HA ha-I wish Julian-if we don't go then we get mil on the phone crying about how she never gets to see her son or grandchildren-feel free to offer to babysit any time you like dear!Hmm

OP posts:
YouTheCat · 30/11/2013 19:13

So there's not even any baby sitting benefit to keeping things sweet?

Just say no to all of it. Don't engage and let them have their little hissy fits whilst you recline with wine and wii games.

auntpetunia · 30/11/2013 19:16

So now he's sulking!? He's been a controlling tit, YANBU in not wanting them at your house . He on the other hand has been extremely U regarding not standing up to mummy.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 30/11/2013 19:19

I would contact women's aid for advice.

Jux · 30/11/2013 19:20

Deep breathing. Breathe in through your nose to the count of 3, and out through your mouth to the count of 5. Do it at least 3 times. It has something to do with your autonomic system, and it calms you down sufficiently to get your brain working when you've got into blank-panic-fury mode.

Do it before you start the conversation, and do it whenever you feel things getting a bit out of hand during it.

Good luck.

Ohhelpohnoitsa · 30/11/2013 19:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.