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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu?-dh,inlaws and xmas-AGAIN!!

158 replies

Pinupgirl · 30/11/2013 09:44

I have posted previously about problems with inlaws-specifically mil. Background-we have spent every sunday for the last 20 years going to their house for dinner. They and dh would not take no for an answer.

We also spent 6 xmases with them after we had the dcs. 2 years ago I finally flipped and told dh I was sick and tired of it and that we would be spending xmas in our own home.

Now dh is adamant that he wants them to come here for xmas dinner. I really don't want them too as I feel I have spent lots of xmas with them,been far too accommodating frankly and don't want to spend xmas listening to his mum witter on while dh and his dad get pissed.

Dh is furious and making me feel like a horrible cowSad Am I bu?

OP posts:
Original poster
Pinupgirl · 30/11/2013 15:09

My dcs moaned a bit about not going last year as it was what they were used to-they had never had an xmas in their own home! But once they realised it meant getting to stay and play with all their toys,play board games as a family etc-they loved it.

At inlaws they are expected to sit and watch tv all day while the adults get pissedHmm We also always had to stay over night at the inlaws too as I don't drive and dh refuses to go without a drink. and a taxi would be about £25!

Dh is treated like a king too and waited on hand and foot while I am expected to much in and help out-it boils my piss. I just want a nice,relaxed xmas with my dh and my dcs-am I really being horrible and selfish to want this?

OP posts:
YouStayClassySanDiego · 30/11/2013 15:10

You're not being horrible and selfish.

Your H is.

enriquetheringbearinglizard · 30/11/2013 15:20

I haven't seen your other thread(s) pinupgirl but I'd say that you've broken the cycle now, so it's time to stick to your guns.
Obviously I'm missing out on the past issues, but if it were me I'd be saying that they're invited on Boxing Day but Christmas Day is now 'non-negotiable' You either dig your heels in and deal with the fall out now, or you get sucked back in again Sad

Incidentally we know someone who was persuaded to move her DH's elderly mother in and she lived for more than 20 years with them. Just saying like.

I hate the whole cycle of us to you and you to us. We used to have to do it and now we don't it's bliss.

Original poster
Pinupgirl · 30/11/2013 15:21

But I feel horrible-dh made me feel like shit this morning for saying no as he can always keep his cool in arguments whereas I tend to fly off the handle. I got annoyed because to everything I said/suggested,all he countered with was-"well I want to invite my parents".

I pointed out that I can count on 2 hands the amount of times he has spent time with or accommodated my family over the very nearly 20 years but he just denies that this is trueHmm

OP posts:
TheRealAmandaClarke · 30/11/2013 15:25

Your dh and his DP's are being controlling. Now you have mustered the strength to challenge their regime, they will increase the pressure.
Stick to your guns. You are absolutely in the right. Christmas at their place sounds like a fucking bore. The alcoholic's paradise.
YANBU

YouStayClassySanDiego · 30/11/2013 15:25

So everything you say he just over rides with 'well I want to invite my parents' and considers the matter closed?

He isn't concerned about what you or the dc's want as long as he and his parents are happy.

Stick to want you want and don't back down.

heidihole · 30/11/2013 15:29

YANBU. You're either a saint or an idiot I can't decide which but either way you need to draw a line in the sand.

And obviously if they did come then DH would be playing host and cooking.

YouTheCat · 30/11/2013 15:30

Tell him to go to them, on his own and bloody well stay there.

You've done your time of excruciating visits. It's your turn to have Christmas the way you want and relax in your own home.

diddl · 30/11/2013 15:57

Of course he can invite his parents.

And so what will you do if that happens?

WhereYouLeftIt · 30/11/2013 16:04

I would so tell him to fuck off. And stay there. Christmas is indeed the least of your problems.

OP, how old are the DCs?

Original poster
Pinupgirl · 30/11/2013 16:10

Believe me we have had many arguments over this over the years!! He has put them and his darling brother's needs above mine many,many times.

If I told him to go spend xmas with his parents and leave me and the dcs to enjoy ours then it would make me out to be a horrible bitch and he would act all hurt and put uponHmm

My dcs are 10,6 and 3.

OP posts:
YouTheCat · 30/11/2013 16:13

He can act as hurt as he wants but if he is expecting you to be put out yet again for his family he can bugger off.

When I was 10 the last thing I would have wanted would have been to be forced to go and be bored at an elderly relatives' all Christmas Day.

You have been willing to compromise but he isn't so I think you should do what suits you and the kids best.

WhereYouLeftIt · 30/11/2013 16:14

" it would make me out to be a horrible bitch and he would act all hurt and put upon"
He can act hurt as much as he likes, it doesn't change the facts. He's being an arse. As for the 'horrible bitch', you must know you are not?

Pinupgirl, you have described your marriage as being in the shitter. Concentrating on what this dies to Christmas is a distraction. What do you want from your marriage and how are you going to get it? Is it salvagable?

WhereYouLeftIt · 30/11/2013 16:14

dies = does Blush

MarjorieChardem · 30/11/2013 16:18

So? Let him act hurt. Just completely ignore him. Act totally normally and he will end up looking ridiculous.

YASNBU, you just have to stay firm and not give in to manipulation. He sounds completely selfish. Let him run back to mummy and daddy and you and your kids can have a lovely Xmas at home, and you can have a nice glass of wine! Wink

WhereYouLeftIt · 30/11/2013 16:18

YouTheCat, I'd have been around 10 when my sister and I persuaded our mum to put her foot down and insist on Christmas at home. No family problems, just my grandmother was the most awful cook and it was very boring to us.

Pinupgirl, the children enjoyed their Christmas at home last year, have they asked about what's happening this year? I would have thought your eldest might have something to say about it all.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 30/11/2013 16:22

Well maybe it is reasonable to have them to you every other Christmas?
But not to have to send your DCs there every weekend.

But is it so bad if dh acts hurt and put upon? I mean, it's you or him isn't it?

Original poster
Pinupgirl · 30/11/2013 16:26

Yes I think my eldest will want to stay home as he will have a new bike and will want to go out on itGrin

The little ones are harder as they can be bribed-inlaws always give them lots of crap/sweets etc although of course we will have a lot of that stuff what with it being xmas!

I know that when they went to bil last year they didn't leave until midnight and fil was drunk-I suspect mil was too. I just don't want an xmas day of my running myself ragged and them merrily getting pissed!!-I will get no time to relax and enjoy my day with the dcs.

Last year we spent the evening playing Just dance and it was great-no way would the inlaws join in with anything like that!! Plus the fact that we actually don't have room-the 5 of us barely fit around our table so if they come then the kids will have to eat dinner off their laps which will piss me off more!!!

OP posts:
Laradaclara · 30/11/2013 16:33

You aren't being a horrible bitch in the slightest. He simply doesn't care about what you want or feel so I fear you owe him nothing on this issue. Really, he is the one who needs to change his attitude and fast. But I do suspect he won't and you'll have to work out what you'll do as a result.

If you end up splitting as a result of his attitude to your feelings and needs then he can spend every other weekend at his DPs and every other Christmas there. Personally, I think you'd be a lot better off.

YouTheCat · 30/11/2013 16:34

Then it is a 'no' - there isn't room.

Your dh is a knobend for expecting you to run around after and cook for his family all day while he, and they, get pissed.

Why should he get to sit on his arse all day?

VisualiseAHorse · 30/11/2013 16:36

So, you'll be expected to have dinner on the Sunday before, then the Wednesday (Xmas) and then the next Sunday as well?

Bonkers.

Why not make the Sunday in between Xmas and New Years Christmas at their house? You won't have to cook for them, the kids will get another lot of presents. Works for everyone?

expatinscotland · 30/11/2013 16:37

I would have never married a nobber like this in the first place. Tell him they are not coming and he is free to go to theirs.

Original poster
Pinupgirl · 30/11/2013 16:39

I tried to point out this morning when we were arguing over it that we didn't have room-he just said that bil fitted them in last year so its our turn to do it.

I also pointed out that its not fair to expect me to host,cook dinner,run around after them etc while they all enjoy a lovely xmas-his reply? I will wash the dishesHmm yep dh because that is the only time all year that you ever wash the fucking dishes and I am expected to be grateful!!

Honestly I am not the daftie that I am sounding on this thread!-I know deep down that I am not being selfish but dh is very clever at twisting things so I feel bad.

OP posts:
Madmammy83 · 30/11/2013 16:40

Why do you all have to go every Sunday? I'd lose the head if I was married to your husband, I'd send him off for dinner on his own, that's pigging ridiculous. If he wants them to come for Christmas then let him cook for them. Or have you people you could invite too so you'd actually be able to enjoy yourself? What will his Mum be doing when he & his Dad get pissed? God love you...

YouTheCat · 30/11/2013 16:41

Tell him he can cook.

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