Aibu?-dh,inlaws and xmas-AGAIN!!

[Pinupgirl]

I have posted previously about problems with inlaws-specifically mil. Background-we have spent every sunday for the last 20 years going to their house for dinner. They and dh would not take no for an answer.

We also spent 6 xmases with them after we had the dcs. 2 years ago I finally flipped and told dh I was sick and tired of it and that we would be spending xmas in our own home.

Now dh is adamant that he wants them to come here for xmas dinner. I really don't want them too as I feel I have spent lots of xmas with them,been far too accommodating frankly and don't want to spend xmas listening to his mum witter on while dh and his dad get pissed.

Dh is furious and making me feel like a horrible cow Am I bu?

Pinup,

Deal with Christmas first, and make plans about leaving or your marriage later, its too much to deal with now, in the run up to Christmas.

I agree with others to leave him to xmas with his parents. Non negotiable foot down. Christmas is a difficult time for so many of us.

Ohhel

I was talking to DH about this, I said I pray our DD's want to spend every xmas with us too and their families but we have to appreciate their DH will have families too, and they may have young DC and live miles away.

I just wouldn't be happy for them to be driving hundreds of miles or coming if they didn't want too. We would have to compromise, if they wanted another day we would say OK and not make them feel gulilty and have another special day with the family.

ohhelp-I understand what you are saying I really do but the thing is they have had 45 of years of xmas's with their dcs-my dh! I want xmas with just myself and my dcs and I hope that when they are adults I wont resort to emotional blackmail to get them to spend time with me!

Dh did'nt leave home until he was 34 ffs!!-and yes I should have heeded that!

Well I am obviously being punished as he has not spoken 2 words to me since this morning.

I bloody hate people who do this

Sounds like he's learned how to be a manipulative arse from his ridiculous family :(

I wouldn't have them near me at any time of year let alone Christmas.

Sorry probably not very helpful but just another YANBU and don't them wind you up.

Stick to your guns about Christmas.

Please learn to drive in the New Year, find the money somewhere. It will give you so much more freedom from this controlling nasty man and his horrible family.

Yes totally, you must make driving a top priority. You really must.

YANBU.

If you say "no" to these hideous Christmas plans you will being make a small step towards getting out of this slow suffocation of your spirit. It's really worth giving it a go.

The downside of your husband showing himself to be even more unpleasant shouldn't really be such a worry really because you already know he's simply dreadful.

I've seen a few of your threads and my heart goes out to you, it must feel like he's being such a tosser,I'm not very good at emotional stuff but just wanted to give you some practical info.

I'm guessing your a sahm or in a low paying job given that he controls the finances,I'm also guessing that a few times its been finances that have stopped you either leaving or asking him to.

You can use a csa calc online to work out how much maintenance he would have to pay you.

And tax credits would pay you £2720 per year for each child ( assuming if you do work its 16 hpw at nmw or less you also would get £545 per year family premium. If you work at those hours you would get working tax credits obviously child benefit if you don't work its IS/ESA or Jsa dependant on child's ages and free school meals.

Any maintenance is on top of benefits.

With decent legal advice you can make him leave the house. Legal aid will be an issue if you can't prove he's abusive (unfortunatly its very hard to prove anything other than physical violence) but these people can advise you on how to self rep www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/ but court fees remission are still available so on those figures you wouldn't have to pay much towards court fees (they do take CB and csa into account).

You don't have to make him leave if you don't want to you can leave if its unsafe/ damaging to stay and go to your LA for help with housing,you can claim tax credits as a lone parent even before one of you actually physically leaves the house as long as you have no financial links (other than maintenance) and you are no longer living together as a couple (living together but not as a couple is ok).

Its not fun but it is better than living like you do with a tosser.

He sounds immensely controlling.
I would either stick to my guns, or send him there for christmas so he can go have fun with his mummy & daddy and play at happy families!

Thanks for all the info-believe me even if I am don't seem to be acting on it at the moment it is all being stored for future reference. Actually mn has helped me so much already as I used to be really scared that because my name is not on mortgage/deeds that I wouldn't be entitled to anything-I now know this is bollocks!

I am sahm but do some very,very part time work which pays cash in hand-dh does not know about this.

If I thought dh would behave reasonably then yes I would like us to separate but I know he wouldn't. He would refuse to leave the home and I doubt he would agree to maintenance-he is very much of the mind set that his money is "his" as he works for it. He honestly cannot see that me staying at home with kids has enabled this.

Ah well maintenance isn't optional via the CSA they will slap a deductions on earnings order on him if need be!

Honestly tell him he is welcome to go to the in-laws but you and the dc are staying home.

So does he give you a sensible amount of money/do you have access to his account or joint account, or can you add financial abuse to controlling behaviour?

I understand your situation OP, but we all know that without finding your way out at some point they'll make decades of your life utterly miserable.

You'd lose the family home (but you could well get your fair share if you gritted your teeth through the long wrangling) but exchange decades of miserable life for being a bit rackety but overall far more happy.

jux=no he doesn't give me money. I have to ask for it which is very humiliating and I get given £10/20. I do now have access to his bank account but only after good advice on here. I will only use this if I need money for dcs-for example I was trying to scrape together the school dinner money.spare cash for small treats etc if the child benefit ran out before the end of the month.

I also ebay and car boot very often-I am a canny charity shopper and can spot a bargain a mile off. I will use this bit of cash for dcs xmas. Dh buys the "big" presents-this year its bikes-but I then buy the smaller things-lego,books,selection boxes etc.

I make a very small amount of my own money from some work I do and also from blogging but being totally fair to dh we are both piss poor when it comes to finances-I like nice clothes for myself and dcs and he likes to treat himself too.

We are both as bad as each other really when it comes to money.

I used to have to see PIL every weekend. I hated it. Saturday was spoilt by knowing we had to see them on the Sunday. There was no appreciation from them that we might want a weekend on our own. Eventually it stopped after we had started seeing them on a Saturday for a while.

I used to spend every Christmas at theirs, and stayed over some years. Thankfully that stopped once I had dc1. Eventually I persuaded DH to have a Christmas at home and we kind of alternate. This year I want to stay at home. He wants to go. I have compromised with going for a couple of hours in the afternoon.

Would you make him beg for a tenner if you ad a tenner going spare?

No sock-the dcs have activities at the weekend and I usually pay for one dc and he the other but quite often I have had to sub him. If I ask him for cash he will always ask what is is for too which is doubly

"I did that one time years ago when they paid a surprise visit when they knew we were planning on going out

I left them to it and went to finish getting ready-hair/make up etc. Mil stormed out of the house and promptly rang bil who then rang dh and was screaming down the phone about what a rude bitch I am!!"

And what's the real problem with this? I mean, I realise it's not pleasant for all this to go on around you, but how does it actually hurt you?

You know you are not being the bitch, rude, uncompromising etc. - you know it's all coming from them - so you don't need to take all their shit on board.

As an aside though, it does sound as if you have FAARR bigger problems in your life and marriage than just this. Have you tried asking him if he actually wants to stay married, because quite frankly, you don't think he does, he'd rather be a sooky mammy's boy for the rest of his life? (That is what he sounds like, honestly. That and an emotionally abusive, controlling shit).

You know YANBU. You know they are the unreasonable ones. But I don't know what you are going to do about it unless you decide that, actually, you ARE going to do what you want and you DON'T have to run around the feckless drunkards when they're at yours, if they come.

Make dinner a DIY! Do a buffet so they have to get their own! Let them fetch their own drinks etc. Use disposable plates/cutlery so there IS no washing up. Tell your H that this is what will happen should his parents insist on coming.

And if they do come, GO TO BED WHEN YOU WANT TO. You do NOT have to "entertain" them, they are faaaaamly. Anyway, they're not there to see you, are they, they're there to see your H. Let him do it.

My ex SOL (outlaw, not married) was quite happy to take to her bed if she didn't want to see my parents when they visited. She did it several times. My parents, however, did not turn up unexpectedly - they were invited - and my parents did not EXPECT to be invited either. Yes we thought she was rude, but so what? We didn't do anything about it, except my parents visited less!

I think you have probably been conditioned to be a people-pleaser - time to please yourself and your DC and no one else, I think.

"And what's the real problem with this? I mean, I realise it's not pleasant for all this to go on around you, but how does it actually hurt you?"
*Thumbwitch", one incident might not affect you, but twenty years of it can make anyone doubt themselves, lose trust in their own instincts and feelings, paralyse them.

I'm guessing thumbwitch is trying to point out that their tantrums are ultimately just tantrums and shouldn't be OPs problem exactly because of those reasons whereyouleftit gives.

After twenty years you can doubt yourself, lose trust in your instincts and feel paralysed. Although OP no doubt does feel all those things and feels hurt, it can be helpful for someone to point out that the horrid behaviour of some very abusive people really is their issue and problem. Trying to insulate yourself from taking on the emotions they want to you to have can help though I completely understand it is hard.

However, you shouldn't have to feel hurt at them because its not your fault they are acting in this way and you shouldn't need to care about the opinion of some truly horrible people.

That makes no sense but I need to go to bed...

You know,if they do end up coming over-you can still do exactly what you WANT to do....get the board games out/dancing dvd/stuff ur face with chocs-and all of it dressed in your pj's if you get any complaints then politely put them in their place by reminding them who's house they're in and what this day is really about. Let dh do the running around,honestly you can if you put your mind to it. Take back your power,be strong and assertive and tough....and enjoy your day

As everyone has said your issues are far more deeper than just Christmas day with his dp's. Are you married or living together? If married, dont worry too much about your name not being on the housedeeds & dont do anything to raise his suspicions either by asking to be included.

You need to slowly plan what you want to do and stock pile cash to enable you to do it.
www.martinlewismoneysavingexpert.com
www.womensaid.org.uk/
www.hmrc.gov.uk/calcs-tools/index.shtml

Have a look on these links and see what you are entitled to before doing anything. You need to build on your self confidence first as well. Finance wise, can you add kids essentials & christmas treats to the main shop to save you a bit of money? What kind of man refuses to pay for his own kids?

If things get really bad then you could change the locks to the house & let him stay elsewhere, he has had it toi good from you thats why hes taking you for granted. He needs to lose everything in order to appreciate & realise what he has got.

If things get really bad then you could change the locks to the house & let him stay elsewhere

I thought this was a big no,no - from other LTB threads.

Yes, pretty much what LaradaClara said (thank you :) )