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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu?-dh,inlaws and xmas-AGAIN!!

158 replies

Pinupgirl · 30/11/2013 09:44

I have posted previously about problems with inlaws-specifically mil. Background-we have spent every sunday for the last 20 years going to their house for dinner. They and dh would not take no for an answer.

We also spent 6 xmases with them after we had the dcs. 2 years ago I finally flipped and told dh I was sick and tired of it and that we would be spending xmas in our own home.

Now dh is adamant that he wants them to come here for xmas dinner. I really don't want them too as I feel I have spent lots of xmas with them,been far too accommodating frankly and don't want to spend xmas listening to his mum witter on while dh and his dad get pissed.

Dh is furious and making me feel like a horrible cowSad Am I bu?

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Original poster
Pinupgirl · 30/11/2013 16:42

Well that's another story expat.

Yes we did that last year visualise-we went one of the days between xmas and new year for dinner.

We also used to go there for new years day dinner every year-I know,I know!!-but again I put my foot down over that as we were having to stay over and I was very worried that dh would still be over the limit driving the next day so we don't go any more

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Laradaclara · 30/11/2013 16:43

My ex and his family used to expect me to help out whilst ex sat around drinking so I know how that feels! He would pretend to sympathise with my position when we were alone but never do anything about it. And sometimes, when he got a bit drunk, he would start to talk about how he enjoyed me having to be 'the little wife' and running around after him. Eventually I realised this was one of multiple issues to do with how he perceived I should be and what our marriage should be like. He didn't give a toss about what I thought but was actually doing his best to manipulate and control me so I'd comply. I can't help wonder what other things there might be in your relationship where you are not being treated as an equal partner.

YouTheCat · 30/11/2013 16:44

Seriously, if he is so set on it and being a twat, tell him ok but he can cook and you set your bum down on the settee and don't lift a finger all day. See how enthusiastic he is about that idea.

Original poster
Pinupgirl · 30/11/2013 16:44

The cooking is not the issue-dh actually is quite a decent cook. But I still wouldn't enjoy xmas as would not be able to relax,slob out in pj's,stuff my face with chocs etc. Would have to sit and make polite conversation with them while dh and fil work their way through the whiskey.

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angeltattoo · 30/11/2013 16:45

Basically you're saying you do all the work? All the planning, shopping, prep, cooking and clearing up I'm guessing?

While they all sit around.

We're doing Christmas this year. DH and I will do all of the above, together. Your H sounds like a spoilt, entitled arse. And it seems to be an inherited trait. Three words: 'no fucking way'.

YouTheCat · 30/11/2013 16:46

Then retreat to your room with a bottle of wine/chocolates and a book.

LongTailedTit · 30/11/2013 16:47

Is there any chance you could just go over to them for a couple of hours in the morning to see PILs and exchange presents, then get home in time to open your presents and have lunch at home? That way DH won't be drinking in the morning so can drive both ways, and PILs get crossed off the list. Otherwise, can they arrive at 5/6pm maybe? That way at least you get the bulk of the day without them.
If you say it's no PILs at all or a short visit is there any chance he'd agree?

It'd be great to avoid them altogether, but if that's not possible then make their visit to you/you to them as brief as possible!

CaptainSweatPants · 30/11/2013 16:47

I would not be able to relax,slob out in pj's,stuff my face with chocs etc

Just do that on boxing day instead

Xmas day is just one day!

At least they don't stay over like my inlaws do for a week [sobs]

Original poster
Pinupgirl · 30/11/2013 16:48

Dh does the xmas shopping. I will do all the cooking,will do all the cleaning.tidying up,finding places to store the kids new stuff etc. He will wash the dishes. That's it.

As I said above even if he did offer to cook it would still end up with me running around after them-I know them too well

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Original poster
Pinupgirl · 30/11/2013 16:50

youthecat-I did that one time years ago when they paid a surprise visit when they knew we were planning on going outHmm

I left them to it and went to finish getting ready-hair/make up etc. Mil stormed out of the house and promptly rang bil who then rang dh and was screaming down the phone about what a rude bitch I am!!Hmm

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Original poster
Pinupgirl · 30/11/2013 16:53

longtailed-that was the compromise I offered last year-they are welcome to come on xmas morning for a few hours or to come on boxing day. That is not good enough.

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YouTheCat · 30/11/2013 16:55

You have done the compromising and are getting nowhere so do what you want and let her scream.

Laradaclara · 30/11/2013 16:55

The problem is it isn't just one day. It's been years of them, and more importantly DH, being completely overbearing and insisting on having things there own way. I'm not surprised you've completely had enough. If they cut the Sundays down to something more manageable and flexible I'd be guessing you'd be a lot more comfortable with the idea of every other Christmas. As it is, I don't think you're at fault at all. And I don't see why you should have to hide upstairs in your own house.

Stick to your guns - no PIL. I'd say no PIL until DH can demonstrate he can look after them all properly without you having to do all the running around. But I still don't think he'll step up to the mark.

MommyBird · 30/11/2013 16:58

I'm sorry if i'm blunt...but after everything you have said..why on earth are you STILL with him?!

Original poster
Pinupgirl · 30/11/2013 16:59

I agree lara but sadly dh doesn't see it like that-he doesn't think that our going every sunday was an imposition on myself or the dcs because he was happy to go.

A lot of this is my own fault as I didn't want to cause any conflict-I should have stood up to them years ago.

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Madmammy83 · 30/11/2013 17:01

Sorry I'm after reading more of your replies pinupgirl and if this woman has previously called you a rude bitch to your own husband and he still wants them to come over then I'd be packing the kids up and going elsewhere on Christmas Day. No way should you have to put up with feeling like a stranger in your own house. Your husband sounds like a domineering prick who needs to simultaneously find his balls and cut the apron strings and stand up to his wife. Suggest again that you visit them on Christmas morning but after that it's back home and if he doesn't like that, let him stay and get pissed with his useless weird parents and you go home and relax with the kids.

Original poster
Pinupgirl · 30/11/2013 17:01

That is a very good question mommy and quite honestly its because I am too much of a shitty coward to leave. He controls the finances and its his house-in his name. I know because we are married that legally I have rights but I just cant face going down that road at the moment.

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Laradaclara · 30/11/2013 17:01

They all sound hideous. I suppose you were the one made to feel you had to apologise when MIL should have been grovelling after that kind of performance.

You really aren't being unreasonable. Expect them to get worse if you try to assert yourself but for your sake and your children you have to stick up for yourself. You don't want your daughters thinking this is how women are treated and you certainly don't want your sons copying their father.

Madmammy83 · 30/11/2013 17:01

*FOR his wife :/

Original poster
Pinupgirl · 30/11/2013 17:03

mad-I have told dh for years that he needs to grow a pair and I thought we had finally made some break through last year when he agreed that we didn't have to go every sunday or for xmas but clearly not.

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Original poster
Pinupgirl · 30/11/2013 17:05

lara-it was all just brushed under the carpet when that happened. I did tell dh that she owed me an apology,as did his brother but there is no way he would back me up with that. Tbh it was a very,very hard time for us as it was the year we lost our firstborn and we were both on the verge of a breakdown.

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MommyBird · 30/11/2013 17:08

Theres alot of people on here who have been through what you have (im sure they'll offer you alot of advice regarding your finances)

This isnt just about Christmas dinner, its about him being disrespectful, rude and putting his parents above you. MIL called you a bitch and he didn't even defend you!?

They all sound vile. You are a saint!

Original poster
Pinupgirl · 30/11/2013 17:10

Well tbf it was actually bil who called me a bitch!-although he was egged on by mil. I mean honestly,who phones their adult son to involve him in crap like that?

But the main problem is of course dh-he honestly cannot understand why I am so resentful of them and him!

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Laradaclara · 30/11/2013 17:11

Somehow not a surprise to hear he controls the finances. You do know its likely that he is contributing heavily to those feelings that it's too hard to leave and it's somehow your fault? It isn't your fault in the slightest, it just would have come to a head sooner is all.
It is frightening to leave and men like that can make it all seem much much harder. I'm a professional woman with several degrees to my name in a good job and no one would ever have thought I could have ended up in that sort of marriage but I still felt I somehow wouldn't manage if I left him. That's what you end up feeling in this sort of situation. I had all sorts of fears that turned out to be completely unfounded and felt so much better almost immediately.

You are right, the law would protect you. Maybe you need to think about your options.

Laradaclara · 30/11/2013 17:14

So sorry to hear about your loss x

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